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The Brown Noser

Yankee Stadium Introduces Sad New Breakup Jumbotron

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

In an effort to appeal to broader audiences, Yankee Stadium introduced a sad new breakup jumbotron during Friday’s game against the Boston Red Sox. Similar in nature to the popular “kiss cam,” the stadium’s new breakup camera pans over sad-looking couples, giving them the opportunity to cut ties with each other in front of thousands of baseball fans.

“All of our focus had been centered around showing sweet, happy couples at baseball games, when in reality there are a lot of sad people out there looking to end their relationships,” explained Jeremy Platt, director of entertainment. “If I can help one sad pair of people break up at a Yankee’s game, I’ve done my job. Plus, we’re having a pretty rough season so at this point we were sort of like ‘why not.’”

“Our relationship was in a rough patch, and when I saw our two sad faces on the enormous screen over Yankee Stadium I knew it was time to end things with Craig,” explained Emily Marks. “When everyone started chanting ‘Break Up! Break Up!’ that’s when I told him I couldn’t do it any more.”

Other attendees are more skeptical of the new feature. “For a second I thought we were on the kiss cam and I got excited,” explained Yankees fan Clara Thompson. “I went in to kiss him and all of a sudden he handed me the key to my apartment. I thought we were going to get engaged soon but I guess not.”

At press time, the camera was reportedly seen panning away from Alex Rodriguez hitting a homerun to focus on a crying couple throwing their wedding rings in the garbage.

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