Feeling an eerie sense of 1997 déjà vu, singer-songwriter Elton John has decided to start re-rehearsing his hit threnody “Candle In The Wind” after seeing how Queen Elizabeth II has looked lately.
“Yowch. Better get practicing, Elton,” reported John to himself after catching a glimpse of the 96-year-old monarch’s general state and appearance.
According to a recent report from a small town police station, hot shot detective Sly Jackson may be unorthodox but DAMMIT he gets results.
“I hate to break it to you, Chief, but he’s our only shot to crack this thing wide open!” said detective Tom Miller as Jackson stood in the corner of the office holding case files up to his ear like a seashell and listening for clues.
According to farmhand Hoover Montgomery, there’s always something goofy happening at the barnyard.
“There’s usually an oink or a cluck coming from somewhere,” commented Montgomery, filling up the trough with water and picking hay out of his overalls.
Area man Roger Greene, just trying to find his way in this world with the help of his four zany siblings and their dog Rocko, has been hearing upbeat bass riffs just about every time he wants to cut away to a new life scene. “I don’t know, ever since my parents left me and my siblings for the circus, everything has felt…just weird,” said Greene, clearly attempting to cleverly sneak some exposition into his dialogue.
Before receiving his meal from Providence’s Dienda Bistro, area man Obi Achebe was reportedly holding his fork and knife like he was about to eat a juicy cartoon steak.
“He was holding his fork and knife completely upright on the table for like 12 minutes,” reported fellow patron Ana Carmichael, grossed out by Achebe’s excessive salivating and lip licking.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
