The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Apr 22 2022 issue)

University To Address Student Mental Health Concerns With Spring Weekend Spin Art Frisbees | Apr 22 2022

Demonstrating their unwavering commitment to community health and wellness, Brown’s administration recently announced their plans to address students’ mental health concerns with a spin art frisbee booth at Spring Weekend. “I’ve read extensively about the mental health crisis on college campuses, and hosting a spin art frisbee booth is by far the most effective intervention,” said Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, ignoring missed calls from overworked CAPS therapists so that he could pour acrylic paint into little squeezy bottles.

Providence Man Excited For Peaceful Day Of Barreling Down Thayer Street In Batmobile | Apr 22 2022

After a long, stressful week of work, Providence man Nathan Rossi is excited for a peaceful day spent loudly barreling down Thayer Street in a Batmobile. “Sometimes it’s easy to forget about yourself, and it’s important to take the time to just relax,” said Rossi as he revved up the deafening engine of his personal Batmobile.

Guy Who Identifies With Larry David Annoying But Not At All Funny | Apr 22 2022

Acquaintances of area man Derek Fluberg, who strongly identifies with Larry David, report that he is annoying but not at all funny. “Watching Curb Your Enthusiasm was such a relatable experience for me,” said Fluberg during a recent conversation, suggesting his similarity to the protagonist of the HBO comedy series despite the fact that his behaviors rarely make anyone laugh.

"We Are Open To Everyone," Says Club With Five-Stage Multifaceted Interview And Selection Process | Apr 22 2022

An on-campus student organization with a five-stage multifaceted interview and selection process proudly announced that they are "open to everyone!” “We would love to have you and hope you will consider joining us,” declared the group’s president Jeremiah Whitlock, handing over five essay prompts and a request for letters of recommendation.

BDH Opinion Page Giving Student A Lot To Not Think About | Apr 22 2022

Reports from Brenda Ditty ’24 indicate that all the articles on The Brown Daily Herald’s Opinions page have really given her tons to not think about. “Wow, I never really thought about how Providence should put more crosswalks near public swimming pools! And I never will again!” said Ditty, perusing her peers’ thoughtful takes on everything from the importance of implementing more designated yodeling spaces on campus to impassioned pleas for everyone to boycott the internet.

Brown Outing Club Trip Just Looking Out WindowBrown Outing Club Trip Just Looking Out Window | Apr 22 2022

In their weekly “This Week Outside” email, the Brown Outing Club announced that one of their upcoming trips will just be looking out a window. “Everyone should plan to meet up in Smitty-B 204,” stated BOC co-president Joe Burgan ’22 as he buckled his backpack’s chest strap in preparation for his walk to class.

Dog On Main Green Happy To Help Owner Get Laid | Apr 22 2022

Sources on the Main Green report that a cute little Boston terrier named Stanley is happy to help his owner get laid. “It’s a nice arrangement – Noah takes me for a walk, and I help him get some ass,” barked Stanley the dog, tail wagging and eyes wide as he watched a frisbee soar across the green.

Girl Getting Goat Cheese And Fig Spread At Blue Room As Though She Caligula | Apr 22 2022

Ordering a luxurious meal of only the finest of epicurean delights, Leslie Gardener ‘24 is getting a Blue Room sandwich with goat cheese and fig spread as though she were the hedonistic Roman emperor Caligula. “I’ll get a ciabatta roll with goat cheese, fig spread, prosciutto, and olive oil,” commanded the sophomore and depraved libertine as though she were the debauched emperor of Rome at a lurid orgy of the senses, decadently ringing a little bell to command a lowly peon to bring imported meats and cheeses to her drunken bacchanal.

Girl Renders Entire Selfhood On Dorm Room Wall Via One Million Little Paper Things | Apr 22 2022

With every inch of her wall covered in ticket stubs, postcards, polaroids, little drawings, and small movie posters, freshman Sofia Greene has rendered her entire selfhood on her dorm room wall via one million little paper things. “I love to have my room really feel like me,” said Greene in front of the wall that completely sums up who she is as a person and comprises a complex grid of saved thank you notes, theater programs, poems, magazine clippings, concert tour posters, and stickers.

Glorious Footnote Takes Up Most Of The Page | Apr 22 2022

Sources report that one magnificent footnote takes up most of the textbook page. “I was reading through this 50-page chapter we’d been assigned, and I was definitely on the verge of dropping the class,” recounted student Lucas Lambert. “My whole perspective changed once I saw that mercifully tiny font.” “The footnote just went on and on, like an unstoppable river that I thankfully did not have to traverse,” Lambert reported.

Guy In Nonfiction Workshop's Mom Definitely Doesn't Want You To Know That | Apr 22 2022

After workshopping his creative nonfiction essay in class, it became clear that sophomore Gus Hardis’s mom definitely doesn’t want you to know that. “Gus really went in on his childhood, and he wrote about a bunch of intense things that his mom definitely doesn’t want us all to know,” Hardis’ classmate Eileen Cooper said, leaving comments on Hardis’s most recent piece.

Incoming Freshman Boys Fighting Over Who Going To Be The One That Takes Drone Videos | Apr 22 2022

Sources in the class of 2026 report that a large group of incoming freshmen is fighting over which one is going to be the boy who takes drone videos. “There can only be one!” bellowed prospective MCM concentrator Brian Goldman, as he began an elaborate ritual designed to designate one boy from the incoming class to be the one who flies a drone around the school and gets aerial shots of campus for Brown’s Instagram.

Man Deriving Sadistic Pleasure From Holding Door For Person 50 Feet Away | Apr 22 2022

Area student Gunther Twong ’25 was reportedly deriving sadistic pleasure as he held a door open for a woman who was 50 feet away. “Yes, come to me. That’s right, do your dainty little run-walk thingy. Struggle, you oaf. Shuffle my way. Ah, yes! Shuffle!” said Twong, experiencing a rush of euphoria at the thought of inviting someone to awkwardly wobble for ten painfully long seconds.

Phone Call With Dad Just Seven Day Forecast | Apr 22 2022

Sources close to the matter have confirmed that sophomore Jaskarn Persaud’s phone call with his dad was just a rundown of the weather over the next week. “He just kept telling me which days were going to be beautiful and which days I should wear a hat,” said Persaud, scouring a closet for snowshoes his father insisted he pack.

Professor Asks For Ethnic Student’s Take “As Someone From That Part Of The World” | Apr 22 2022

Sources report that Professor Eller Van Heinz asked for ethnic student Zahra Bakhtiyar’s take “as someone from that part of the world.” “He asked if my family was from Azerbaijan,” Zahra said, recounting how her professor assumed that her heritage made her an expert on the region.

Professor Just Gonna Wait A Few More Minutes For People To Trickle In | Apr 22 2022

As the clock struck 1:00 PM, religious studies professor Evelyn Trandle announced that she was just gonna wait a few more minutes for people to trickle in. “Looks like we’re missing a couple people, so let’s just give them a few minutes,” Trandle told the nine students who had shown up to the seminar, glancing at her watch and shuffling the papers in front of her.

Professor's Name Drop Not That Impressive | Apr 22 2022

Comparative literature Professor Laurence Walsh’s students are reportedly underwhelmed by his regular name-drops. “I’ve been teaching here for the past three decades, and I know what you’re thinking. Yes, Isabella Von Thurber was one of my students,” Professor Walsh proudly told his lecture class as they stared at him blankly.

Prospective Student Really Overselling Interest In Rock Tree | Apr 22 2022

Savoring every second with the most inconspicuous sculpture on the Main Green, prospective student Darren Whitely can’t help but share his immense interest in the Rock Tree with the rest of his tour group. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Whitely, who has seen plenty of rocks, trees, and rocks near trees before laying eyes on the public art piece.

Ratty Drink Machine Out Of Absolutely Everything Except Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero | Apr 22 2022

According to dining hall sources, the Ratty drink machine is out of absolutely everything except Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero. “I went over to the drink machine to get a Sprite only to find that it was completely out of Sprite, and the only thing they had was Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero,” said sophomore Bradley Burton, pressing frantically on the grayed out icons of every notable soda brand.

Report: Huh, Professor Using Firefox | Apr 22 2022

As Professor Bradley Jacobson showed a video from his computer to his microeconomics course, sources in the class reported that oh, Professor Jacobson uses Firefox. “Huh, okay,” said Cole Whitman ‘24, clocking his professor’s choice of browser.

Roommates Devise Simple Chore Wheel Where One Person Just Fucking Does Everything | Apr 22 2022

Hanging up a circle on their fridge with only one name on it, roommates Rebecca Crane ’22, Nora Lukas ’22, and Marnie Braverman ’22.5 have devised a simple chore wheel where Marnie just fucking does everything. “It’s a really amazing system we’ve devised,” said Braverman, elbow-deep in dishwater as her two roommates hung out in the other room.

Sailing Team Really Taking Credit For What Boats | Apr 22 2022

According to campus sources, Brown’s student body is quickly coming to the realization that the Brown Sailing Team is pretty much just taking credit for what the boats do. “I mean, now that I think about it, it’s not the people who are doing all the floating and stuff,” stated Wilma Beebles ‘24 while watching the sailing team getting ready for a race against other boats.

Senior Can’t Wait To Move Somewhere Completely Different Like Boston | Apr 22 2022

As graduation quickly approaches, senior Francesca Loeb is excited to live in a completely different city from Providence, somewhere like Boston. “I’ve lived in Providence for the past four years, and I’m really itching to move somewhere entirely new,” commented Loeb, looking for apartments in a New England city near the water.

SPIN Now Offering People Who Carry You Around | Apr 22 2022

According to sources inside the rental scooter and bicycle company, SPIN has recently released a new method of rentable transportation: a person who picks you up and carries you around. “At first, I didn’t understand what the guy in an orange shirt was doing sitting on the curb,” stated Jorge Garcia ‘22.

Student Excited To Launch Start-Up That Will Be Endlessly Ridiculed By His Peers | Apr 22 2022

Psyching himself up to press “post” on his soon-to-be-updated LinkedIn page, entrepreneurial sophomore Charlie Walsh is excited to announce the launch of “CoinScape,” a start-up that will be endlessly ridiculed by his peers. “I’m so proud to launch CoinScape, a totally student-run company aimed at getting young people involved with cryptocurrency,” wrote Walsh in a post that spread around his peers like wildfire, with everyone absolutely ravenous to make fun of it.

Student Realizing Grad TA Just Older, Sadder Student | Apr 22 2022

After an especially slow section, Comparative Literature student Maria Clinch 23’ realized that her grad TA is just an older, sadder student. “It hit me when I saw my TA get out of her 1999 Toyota Camry. I was like, wow, that’s a 27-year-old who’s still in school, the same school I’m going to.

Student With Summer Internship At Top Consulting Firm Beyond Thrilled For Friend Hired At Local Ice Cream Shop | Apr 22 2022

Amber Williams ’24, a student who recently landed a summer internship at a top consulting firm, announced that she is beyond thrilled for her friend who was hired at a local ice cream shop. “Working at Scoops Creamery will look great on a resume,” exclaimed Williams to her friend as she simultaneously updated her LinkedIn profile with her new consulting gig.

Students Flock To Main Green For Nice Weather, To Maybe See Someone Fall Off Aerial Arts Trapeze | Apr 22 2022

As the weather warmed considerably these past two weeks, students flocked to the Main Green to enjoy the balmy day and maybe see someone fall off the Aerial Arts trapeze. “It’d be a shame to waste this beautiful day,” said junior Iris Bahr.

Students On Main Green Enjoying Chill Afternoon Tossing Around Frisbee, Performing Semi-Nude Pole Dancing Routine | Apr 22 2022

Enjoying a super chill afternoon on the Main Green, a group of students tossed around a frisbee for a little bit before stripping down to their underwear and performing an intense pole dance routine for all of Brown’s campus to see. “Nothing beats a laid-back afternoon on the Main Green,” said sophomore Dylan Rodrigo, hoisting himself onto a metal pole and deftly twirling around it in nothing but boxer briefs and body glitter.

Entire Student Body Too Excited To Sleep Because Of Upcoming CareerLAB Virtual Resume Workshop | Apr 22 2022

Unable to shake their giddy smiles as they toss and turn awake in bed, the entire student body of Brown University is too excited to sleep because of an upcoming CareerLAB virtual resume workshop. “I know I should really get some shuteye, but I can’t stop thinking about how I get to attend an awesome Zoom seminar next week,” said sophomore Brenden Wurthers, who, like every other undergrad at Brown, has been up every night for over a week in sheer excitement at the prospect of getting resume tips from the CareerLAB.