To most, Sebastian Doyle '14 is just an average freshman, with an average work ethic, an average number of alleged friends and a slightly above-average number of subscriptions to magazines dealing with high-caliber weaponry.
The recent murder of Charles Webelo has sent the local community into a state of eco-outrage. Barry Partridge, confirmed perpetrator of the crime, was apprehended by authorities last Thursday afternoon at his home on Gano Street.
This past Saturday night, the Department of Public Safety busted an underground dog-fighting ring being run in the bowels of Keeney Quadrangle. Police say that they were alerted to the illegal activities several weeks ago when blue dogprints began to appear all around the Brown campus.
Taking its cue from the formulaic garbage that talentless dopes will one day produce within its walls, the Jane and John Whogivesashit Center for the Uncreative Arts is slated to look just like any other building.
As a member of this university, and as an esteemed faculty
member no less, it is my foremost responsibility to shape up and stop sleeping
through my 9 a.m. classes.
Every morning when I wake up to the sweet sounds of public radio on my vintage alarm clock, the first thing I do is reach for my some water so that Mother Nature is coursing through my veins even before I leave my bed.
As a press release from now-closed Meeting Street pizzeria-seafood-chicken eatery Via Via IV announced last week, "See? We TOLD you guys we weren't the mafia!"
"Well, you can tell by the way he uses his walk he is fuming mad," explained Johnny Rockets manager Ian Morenco (Argentina). He then rushed back to the grill to salvage an overcooked Smokehouse Single, adding, "No time to talk."
What began last December as a humble idea in the minds of a few Rutgers University freshmen has blossomed into a millions-strong nationwide phenomenon.
The University's popular Program in Liberal Medical Education, which admits students into an all-inclusive undergraduate and medical school track, unwittingly accepted 48 prematurely born infants instead of the usual academic hopefuls.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
