The Brown Noser

Local Safewalker Not Just in It for the Glory

To most, Sebastian Doyle '14 is just an average freshman, with an average work ethic, an average number of alleged friends and a slightly above-average number of subscriptions to magazines dealing with high-caliber weaponry.

Students Outraged Over Murderer's Use of Non-Biodegradable Bags to Store Victims' Limbs

The recent murder of Charles Webelo has sent the local community into a state of eco-outrage. Barry Partridge, confirmed perpetrator of the crime, was apprehended by authorities last Thursday afternoon at his home on Gano Street.

Blue Dogprint Vandalism Apparently Clues

This past Saturday night, the Department of Public Safety busted an underground dog-fighting ring being run in the bowels of Keeney Quadrangle. Police say that they were alerted to the illegal activities several weeks ago when blue dogprints began to appear all around the Brown campus.

Proposed Design for Center for the Uncreative Arts Incorporates Bricks, Stairs

Taking its cue from the formulaic garbage that talentless dopes will one day produce within its walls, the Jane and John Whogivesashit Center for the Uncreative Arts is slated to look just like any other building.

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This is the Last Time I Miss a 9 a.m.

As a member of this university, and as an esteemed faculty member no less, it is my foremost responsibility to shape up and stop sleeping through my 9 a.m. classes.

I Love Drinking Water Out of Jam Jars

Every morning when I wake up to the sweet sounds of public radio on my vintage alarm clock, the first thing I do is reach for my some water so that Mother Nature is coursing through my veins even before I leave my bed.

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Via Via to Providence: Wrong, We Were the Detective!

As a press release from now-closed Meeting Street pizzeria-seafood-chicken eatery Via Via IV announced last week, "See? We TOLD you guys we weren't the mafia!"

If Johnny Rocket's Waiter Hears Stayin' Alive One More Time He's Gonna Smack a Bitch

"Well, you can tell by the way he uses his walk he is fuming mad," explained Johnny Rockets manager Ian Morenco (Argentina). He then rushed back to the grill to salvage an overcooked Smokehouse Single, adding, "No time to talk."

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New Social Utility 'Life' Revolutionizes Communication

What began last December as a humble idea in the minds of a few Rutgers University freshmen has blossomed into a millions-strong nationwide phenomenon.

48 Weird Looking Babies Admitted to Brown in PLME/Premie Mix-up

The University's popular Program in Liberal Medical Education, which admits students into an all-inclusive undergraduate and medical school track, unwittingly accepted 48 prematurely born infants instead of the usual academic hopefuls.

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