Following inquiries into to the cause of her resignation, President Simmons announced, between toots on an old wooden air-whistle, that she is stepping down to pursue her lifelong aspiration of operating her “very own passenger, freight or choo-choo train.”
Serving quality Mexican food and excessive amounts of cream cheese to Brown’s student population, the Bagel Gourmet franchise has always remained a marketable one.
The curmudgeonly behavior of local alcoholic Ray Johnston indicates that he probably woke up on the wrong side of the street, or with a bottle up his ass, or simply saddened by the terrible turn that his life has taken as a result of his addiction.
Providence residents, passing by a visibly unhappy Johnston on Waterman Street this morning, agreed upon the humor inherent in the idea that the longtime vagrant’s bad mood had resulted from falling asleep on a side of the road that was somehow inferior to the other side.
Explaining that American public school students probably didn’t hear them the first time, United States Secretary of Education Arne Duncan on Tuesday called on educators to repeat last year’s curriculum in a slow, loud and clear voice.
“Teachers, you all just need to pause for a second, take a deep breath and then say the same things you just said about math and literature and stuff, but louder,” said Duncan.
An unprecedented tragedy has befallen the people of Lincoln. Police are in the process of unearthing corpses from the cemetery beside the Lincoln Presbyterian Church in what appears to be the largest serial killing in history.
Forensic investigators say the killer – gaining notoriety as the ‘Lincoln Butcher’ – places his victims in artfully carved and lavishly padded crates and inters them in a grid-like pattern behind the church.
Tragedy struck the Romney campaign Thursday evening, when it was discovered that at some point during a bus trip from Pennsylvania to Ohio, Mitt Romney had fallen over and shattered into a collection of small fragments. Mr. Romney, usually only used for large-scale events, was in sleep mode, preparing for a rally the next morning.
These are frightening times for the American people. The Middle East is in turmoil. Editorial columnists hold entire restaurants at gunpoint over arcane fiscal concerns. Traditional tools of monetary policy are utterly failing to — excuse me, if everyone could please stop screaming and cowering under tables for just a minute, I’m talking here.