Following inquiries into to the cause of her resignation, President Simmons announced, between toots on an old wooden air-whistle, that she is stepping down to pursue her lifelong aspiration of operating her “very own passenger, freight or choo-choo train.”
These are frightening times for the American people. The Middle East is in turmoil. Editorial columnists hold entire restaurants at gunpoint over arcane fiscal concerns. Traditional tools of monetary policy are utterly failing to — excuse me, if everyone could please stop screaming and cowering under tables for just a minute, I’m talking here.
Halloween is traditionally a time for masquerading and hiding one’s true identity behind a costume. Sigma Chi threw all such deception out the window when it announced that its annual Halloween party would be called “Wizards and Sluts.”
A recent study led by Providence resident Jan Fosterman has revealed that infants cannot breathe under water. “While in the womb, unborn babies are submerged in viscous, amniotic fluid and are able to grow and prosper,” said Fosterman.