The Brown Noser

Halloween Frat Party to be Themed "Wizards and Sluts" | Nov 04 2011

Halloween is traditionally a time for masquerading and hiding one’s true identity behind a costume. Sigma Chi threw all such deception out the window when it announced that its annual Halloween party would be called “Wizards and Sluts.”

Simmons Leaves To Follow Dream of Becoming Train Conductor | Nov 04 2011

Following inquiries into to the cause of her resignation, President Simmons announced, between toots on an old wooden air-whistle, that she is stepping down to pursue her lifelong aspiration of operating her “very own passenger, freight or choo-choo train.”

Clarke Miekeljohn '14 Not a Miekeljohn | Nov 04 2011

Clarke Miekeljohn ’14 held a press conference in Solomon 001 this morning to settle things once and for all: he is not a Miekeljohn. The sophomore fielded questions from students and faculty in an effort to clear up the misunderstanding. “My last name is a reflection of my Swiss heritage,” Miekeljohn said.

Asshole In Class Thinks He's So Smart Just Because He's Your Professor | Nov 04 2011

That one asshole in your Introduction to Environmental Science class who keeps asking obnoxious questions, talking over everyone else in the class and finishing the tests an hour before everyone else thinks he’s so fucking smart just because he’s your professor.

Freshman Girl, Boyfriend from Home Stare at Same Moon While Receiving Outdoor Oral Sex 1000 Miles Apart | Nov 04 2011

One thousand miles separate Deidre Rothschild ’15 from her boyfriend John Lu, who attends Northwestern University, but on Friday the two united spiritually through both the moon and the oral stimulation of their genitals that they received simultaneously under the night sky.

Explanation Redeems Failed Witticism | Nov 04 2011

David Cuddy ’15 narrowly avoided complete social catastrophe yesterday evening when his explanation of an ill-received pun redeemed him in the eyes of his peers. According to Cuddy’s friend, then enemy, then friend again Walter Lang, the incident began at roughly 6 p.m.

White Guy Sounded Like Black Guy for a Second There | Nov 04 2011

According to witness reports, white guy Michael Cardiff ’12 sounded like a black guy for a second there.

Freshman Decides It's Too Late to Ask Girlfriend's Name Again | Nov 04 2011

Following weeks of deliberation, Kevin Rodgers ’15 has come to the conclusion that it would probably be a bad idea to ask his girlfriend of three weeks what her name was again. He did, however, express optimism that if he happened to hear it one more time, it would definitely stick.

Female's Hours of Perfecting Makeup Pay Off When Male Doesn't Notice | Nov 04 2011

It was reported last week that college females spend, on average, a ton of time perfecting their makeup before socializing. Their alleged focuses include reducing skin marks with cream stuff, emphasizing lips with a lip pencil and changing eye-shape with a different pencil — details that really pay off when men don’t notice.

Residential Counselor Forces Unit to Reapply Hair Left in Shower | Nov 04 2011

Residential Counselor Carrie Carson ’13 was furious last weekend when she once again found accumulated clumps of knotted hair on the floor in the hall shower. Carson said that, in order to teach her freshmen a lesson, she has required that each wet ball of hair be reattached to a part of a student that could have shed it.

Typo on Fake ID Enables Freshman to Order Off Children's Menus | Nov 04 2011

Chad Ciarello ‘15 has reacquainted himself with the tasty world of buttered noodles and mini hamburgers since mistakenly ordering a fake driver’s license that lists his age as eleven instead of twenty-one. “For a month I thought I had blown $150 on maybe the worst fake ever,” he recounted as he finished a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without crusts.

Well-Muscled, Uninvited Man at Party Explains His Tattoos | Nov 04 2011

Area resident Joe Markson ’10 displayed his tattoos for all to see at an off-campus get-together last Friday. Running a single finger down and across what he calls his “ink” and striking a pose against the wall that one partygoer would later describe as “aggressively casual,” Markson proceeded to explain to anyone who would listen the circumstances and story behind each image.

UCS to Sponsor Popularity Contest | Nov 04 2011

Undergraduate Council of Students President Mark Naughton ’12 announced that UCS will sponsor a popularity contest this fall open to all undergraduates. “We spend so much time trying to be popular,” wrote Naughton in an email to the student body.

Toledo Blasts Off, Returns to Home Planet | Nov 04 2011

Less than a year after first appearing on Thayer Street with little to no explanation about its mysterious arrival, Toledo and its rarely-heralded pizza cones returned yesterday to the stark, parched hellscape from which they came.

Obama Approval Rating Plummets to 97 Percent on Campus | Nov 04 2011

A recent poll by The Brown Noser has found that as few as 97 percent of Brown students continue to approve of the job done by President Barack Obama, who has become increasingly isolated on campus and around the country. This poll represents a precipitous drop from the popularity he enjoyed in 2009, when his approval rating stood at 103 percent.

Pair of Breasts Discovered with Brain, Heart Attached to Them | Nov 04 2011

Biology concentrator Ross Mackey ‘11.5 claims to have made a substantial scientific discovery.

Students Making Out at Sigma Can't Believe How Much They Have in Common | Nov 04 2011

Those who stayed late at the Sigma Chi party Friday night watched with vague interest as Annie Lipstein ’14 and Doug Roberts ’14 went from celebrating their victory at the pong table to making out furiously in plain sight. “Well, we’re in the same econ section, but we totally didn’t realize how much we had in—” Lipstein started.

LGBTQ to Add Some More Letters | Nov 04 2011

Citing a fear of excluding certain students, Brown LGBTQ President Gary Harmen ’12 announced that the organization will be adding some more letters to its name. “We were thinking a ‘P,’ maybe some ‘R’s,” Harmen speculated at Friday’s queer community meeting.

Student Has Last Laugh When He Finds Buried Treasure In His Nose | Nov 04 2011

Last Wednesday, Jim Thuckman’s ’12 suitemates watched with amazement when he ran shouting out of his single with a perfectly formed golden nugget balanced on his forefinger. “It was exactly like the California Gold Rush, except I was in Providence in 2011 and I found the gold in my nose and not buried in the ground.

Ginger Snaps | Nov 04 2011

After repeated verbal poking and prodding over the course of his 19 years, Richard Bronfman ’14, a red-headed sophomore, finally lost control. “It was insanity,” said Kyle Kendrick ’14, Bronfman’s roommate. “All I said was, ‘Hey carrot doofus, does the carpet match your ugly fucking red hair? Also, your parents are poor.’ And he just lost it.” “Profanity left and right,” Kendrick continued.

Typo Causes Frat to be Mauled By Army of Bears in Tragic Five Hundred Beer Delivery Mix-Up | Nov 04 2011

Fifteen were killed, and seventeen are now without arms and feet after a typo caused twenty trucks filled with bears to be delivered to Sigma Chi this Friday in what authorities are calling a tragic five hundred beer delivery mix-up. “I emailed Mike to order five hundred beers for this kick-ass party we were gonna have this weekend,” said James Winthrop ’12.

Student with Guitar for Mouth Called Back for Every A Cappella Group | Nov 04 2011

James Berther ’15 made Brown musical history last month when he was called back for every single a cappella group on campus. While he does have an impressive vocal range and undeniable charisma, most seem to think his success was due to the fact that he has a guitar for a mouth.

Sigma Partiers Take Shots in Honor of Girl Who Died Earlier at Party From Drinking | Nov 04 2011

Ten shots of Bacardi were distributed Wednesday to each of over ninety intoxicated minors at the most recent “Sigma Brothers and Sluts-Who-Don’t-Have-Class-Tomorrow” tri-weekly fraternity party to commemorate the life of a freshman who had passed away earlier at the party by taking ten shots of Bacardi.

Student Already Complaining about Spring Weekend Lineup | Nov 04 2011

Several students on Brown’s campus have reported that among the throngs of classmates discussing homework, lovers’ trysts and general shenanigans, one student has already begun to make his opinion of this school year’s Spring Weekend lineup clear.

Student Who Practices Safe Sex Out of Practice | Nov 04 2011

An ardent and vocal practitioner of safe sex has had no practice in either safe sex or unsafe sex in almost 17 months. Sydney Martin ’12 instructs his friends to avoid sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies by always using contraception, or by simply bungling every opportunity for sexual encounter they get, like he does.

Campus Life (Nov 04 2011 issue)