The Brown Noser

Students Disappointed by Leisurely Pace of Naked Donut Run

According to sources, students were "let down" by the "languid" stride of this semester's Naked Donut Run. "I was quite dismayed," said Gregory Sumple '11. "I wanted to witness running. Heck, a jog or even a brisk walk would have sufficed. This wasn't even close though.

Dark Knight Fan Dresses Like Joker for Hanukkah

While most of us have our noses to the grindstone during reading period, Matt Levy '10 will be asking, "Why so serious?" Levy is already planning to show up to his family's Hanukkah celebration dressed as Heath Ledger's Joker from summer blockbuster 'The Dark Knight.

Student Repeatedly Encouraged to Chug

In a resounding decision Friday night, friends of Eric Swain '11 repeatedly and unanimously expressed support of Swain's intention to 'chug.chug.Chug. Chug! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!' the remainder of his 12 fluid ounce can of Natural Light. The method of consumption was first advocated by Swain's roommate Tim Branch '11 as a quick solution for his sobriety.

Student Hires Ocean's Eleven to Open Mailbox

After three long months without reading his mail, Marshall Cohn '10 finally felt it was time to take the job seriously, with some fashion and wit on the side. "It was far too complex to open on my own," said Cohn. "I tried a variety of demolition experts, safe-crackers, and con artists but eventually I realized only the greatest thieves in the world, ones who had proven their ability by robbing the world's biggest casinos, would be able to get me my mail.

View more Campus Life

POINT: The Chauvinistic Undertones of Earnest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises Are Representative of the 20th Century Male's Ulterior Resentment of Emer

The Chauvinistic Undertones of Earnest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises Are Representative of the 20th Century Male's Ulterior Resentment of Emergent Feminine Sexuality The 20th century was a momentous one for women in America. Women finally achieved the right to vote, the right to fair wages, and most importantly, the right to personal pleasure.

View more Opinion

Grandma Finally Told to "Shut Her Damn Racist Mouth"

What began as a normal Thanksgiving dinner for the Swanson family ended in shouts of explosive anger, as Grandma Swanson was repeatedly ordered to cease her usually ignored racist antics. "It got ugly," commented Papa Swanson. Fifteen-year-old Jimmy Swanson concurred with his father's statement.

View more Off Campus

Search The Brown Noser

Sexy Telescope to be Renamed "Hubble Hubble"

In light of imminent budget cuts and the retirement of the space shuttle in 2010, yesterday NASA launched a public relations mission to change the face of America's ailing space agency. NASA Chief Administrator Mike Griffin, sporting a new pocket protector, announced the new "Space is Sensual" Campaign at Kennedy Space Center in the redesigned Cape Canavirile.

Scientists Discover Inverse Relationship Between Coolness of Segway and Number of Wheels

After months of arduous research and meticulous testing, scientists have discovered that there is an inverse relationship between the number of wheels on a given Segway and the perceived coolness of the user. After totaling the costs of prototype design and construction, and the employment of test subjects and judges, the experiment totaled nearly 5.

View more Science & Technology