The Brown Noser

Arts & Culture (Apr 14 2023 issue)

Report: Aunt Makes Jewelry Now | Apr 14 2023

After calling her sister, your mom has informed you that Aunt Rose makes jewelry now. “Some of her pieces are really…unique,” stated your mom after Aunt Rose described the beaded labia pendants she was working on. “It’s a lot of copper wire, amethyst, and rope.

Shitty Love Affair Not Even That Torrid | Apr 14 2023

Sources report that shitty love affair is not even that torrid. “They just seem really happy, like they’re always cuddling and holding hands and stuff, but they barely have to deal with warring families or even marital infidelity,” said Meredith Morris, an acquaintance of the happy couple, who was disappointed in their smooth relationship.

“Cocaine Bear” Delivers Sobering Lesson to Bears on the Dangers of Doing Cocaine | Apr 14 2023

Recent blockbuster film “Cocaine Bear” has been a real wake up call to bears around the country. “As a mother, it was really troubling,” said local bear Florence Jenkins. “I mean, a bear, doing cocaine? I had never even considered it. We thought that was human stuff.

Broken Record Doesn’t Love All The Unflattering Comparisons, Actually | Apr 14 2023

Local record Abbey Road by The Beatles, was reportedly quoted earlier today as saying that it was “actually pretty offended” at repeated comparisons to your mother, father, and middle school English teacher. “It’s cool, it’s whatever," said Road after listening to you complaining to your roommate about your mom nagging you to call your aunt.

Femme Fatale Wields Teeniest Tiniest Gun | Apr 14 2023

After an alluring night of illegal inheritance fraud and passionate eye-contact, Randol McShilling reports that the evening took an unexpected turn as femme fatale Ruby Stryker reached into her garter and pulled out the teeniest tiniest gun strapped to her thigh.

Film Sadder in French | Apr 14 2023

According to recent reports, bro comedy film “Two Guys and Boobs” is sadder in French. “They just don’t make breast jokes like this anymore,” said local bro Noel James, chuckling and grabbing his pseudo-boobs as he watched the English version of the “Two Guys and Boobs.” “It does not get better than tits––I mean this!” Upon watching the same film in French, James had a much different reaction to the movie that gives more screen time to boobs than any female character.