The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Sep 06 2013 issue)

Fledgling A Capella Scene Develops on Campus | Sep 06 2013

Calling it “an exciting little scene,” students confirmed that a capella singing groups are beginning to pop up on campus. Though it remains small, many students speculated that a capella groups could become a permanent fixture on campus one day.

Brilliant Young Innovator Releases Wild Tiger Into Crowd During Ted Talk | Sep 06 2013

Sources at the International TED Conference today confirmed that brilliant innovator Brian Walker delivered a dazzling and insightful presentation on the future of human technological progress while releasing a wild tiger into the seated audience before him.

Acting Professor Gives Knockout Performance Pretending Students Have Talent to Make It | Sep 06 2013

Professor of Theater Arts Charles Henderson delivered another incredible performance yesterday, pretending the students in his class have enough talent to make it as actors, sources report. Henderson, known primarily for his role as the supportive and hopeful acting teacher in the TAPS department, stood up in front of his 18 students at the end of yesterday’s class period and stated that he believed each and every one of them had the potential to successfully act at a professional level.

Bergeron's Resignation Speech Enters Fourth Week | Sep 06 2013

Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron yesterday continued to announce that she was resigning to assume the presidency of Connecticut College, entering the fourth week of a speech that is certainly in her top 10, in terms of length. “I am reminded of a quote by a great philosopher,” said Bergeron.

Al Stewart's “Year of the Cat” Has Been Going Unnoticed at #8 on Billboard Hot 100 Since 1977 by Noah Prestwich | Sep 06 2013

A recent review of Billboard Hot 100 lists from the last 50 years revealed that Al Stewart’s jazz-pop piano ballad, “Year of the Cat,” has somehow gone unnoticed at No. 8 on the list since its release in 1977. Stewart, whose idiosyncratic songwriting is perhaps most characterized by his obsession with historical subject matter, first achieved success with “Year of the Cat” in 1977 when the single reached No.

Freshman Not Sure How Long He Can Keep Pretending to be Holocaust Survivor | Sep 06 2013

Ryan Crowell ‘17 was gripped with panic yesterday, as he realized he could only maintain his fictional past as a Holocaust survivor for so long. “We were going in a circle, listing fun facts about ourselves,” explained Crowell. "The guy on my right said he grew up in Senegal. Shouldn’t have tried to top him. Stupid, stupid!" At press time, Crowell was Googling “Holocaust details” and writing his birthday on his forearm with black pen.

Poll Finds Most Students Would Only Eat Piles of Chicken If That Were Option | Sep 06 2013

A campus-wide poll conducted by Brown Dining Services this week found that nearly 90 percent of students would eat solely piles of chicken if that were an option available to them. The poll comes after a wave of complaints from students frustrated with the dining options available.

Thayer Street Sidewalks Clogged With Obnoxious High School Kids Fucking Each Other | Sep 06 2013

Once again, returning students have found Thayer Street filled with incredibly irritating high school kids giggling because they drank alcohol and just straight up fucking each other right there, where other people need to walk. “These kids think they’re really hot shit, with their older siblings’ IDs and their parents’ cars and their graphic, public fuckfests,” said Ella Hobson ‘14.

Boyfriend Asks Girlfriend How Many Kids She Wants to Have in Same Tone He Asks Where She Wants to Eat | Sep 06 2013

While walking down Brook Street on Wednesday, local boyfriend Andrew Prater reportedly asked his girlfriend, Wendy Skaggs, how many children she wanted to have in the same tone he usually uses to ask her if she feels like getting sandwiches for dinner.

Chris Brown Emerges from Eight-Year Coma, Hopes Body Double Has Been Holding Down the Fort | Sep 06 2013

R&B superstar Chris Brown yesterday awoke from his eight-year coma, reporting that he was eager to see what his body double had made of a promising musical career. “I can only imagine how my reputation as the troubadour of my generation has grown since [body double] Rod [Mungus] took over,” said Brown, finally recovered from a tragic zip-lining accident that left him temporarily paralyzed and mute.

Mean Senators Put Harry Reid at #3 on “Hottest Girls in the Senate” List | Sep 06 2013

Senate proceedings were briefly interrupted this Wednesday, when several mean-spirited senators put Sen. Harry Reid at number three on their “Hottest Girls in the Senate” list. “Really funny, guys,” Reid remarked as he attempted to remove the list, which had been taped to the door of the Senate where everyone in the whole Senate could see it.