The Brown Noser

Opinion (Mar 15 2024 issue)

Blast! My Phaser’s Jammed! The Zandorfs Have Us Surrounded. Here, Take My Last 10 Galacti-Coins, And Tell My Space-Wife I Love Her, Now Go! by Captain Jeck | Mar 15 2024

Zaggs! We’re toast. 250 Zandorfs and only two of us. How many phaser pods do you have left? Mine’s jammed. This may just be the end for me, Bleezo. Damn it, I’m Captain Jeck! I can squeeze out of just about anything, but not this. We had fun, though, didn’t we? Remember that time we swindled those Gerzads out of all their Photon Cubes? What a riot.

POINT: The Technological Revolution And Its Consequences Have Been Disastrous For Humanity / COUNTERPOINT: This Snapchat Filter Has A Little Shrek That Humps Your Friend’s Face | Mar 15 2024

POINT: The Technological Revolution And Its Consequences Have Been Disastrous For Humanity by Luddite The Technological Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race. They have greatly increased the life-expectancy of those of us who live in “advanced technology” countries, but they have destabilized society, made life unfulfilling, subjected human beings to indignities, led to widespread psychological suffering, and inflicted severe damage on the natural world.

Sweet Children! Can I Offer You Some Delectable Marzipan From My Personal Stash? It Will Dance Over Your Tongue As Jolly As A Pixie Upon The Knoll! by Gimble, The Marzipan King | Mar 15 2024

Hark! Children! Do you know what time it is? Well of course, it’s time to take some marzipan from me, Gimble, Marzipan King! As your benevolent ruler and patriarch, it is my duty to make sure my little babies get their sweet treats in their tummies, and boy do I have sweet treats a-plenty.

This Was Your Dream, Dad, Not Mine by Son Playing “Guess Who Had This Dream” With Dad | Mar 15 2024

This was your dream, Dad, not mine, remember? Ha! That means I won the game! I correctly matched four of these dreams, but you only got three. I guess my old man has to do a better job at remembering his own dreams. The four dreams I got right were the one where I was sitting in our bathroom, and then your teeth started falling out, and then the one you had about making friends with a fox, and then my stress dream about my telescopes test, and then one where you flew to London to have your wedding.

AI May Take My Job, But It Will Never Take My Virginity by Computer Science Concentrator | Mar 15 2024

I have dedicated my time, energy, happiness, health, and life to learn computer science for the promise of lucrative employment. And AI just took it away with zero shame. So no way in hell will I let it take my virginity too. There is little I am certain of in this life, the vile nature of AI that shattered my existence made me well aware of that.

Some Of You Bitches Wear That Brown Merch ‘Til It’s Swamp Green by William Roberts | Mar 15 2024

I hate to say it, but some of y’all wear that Brown merch until it’s colored like a wet and dismal swamp. I really can’t remember the last time I saw some of y’all not decked out in Brown sweatpants so heavily worn that they’re markedly green.

The Basketball Going Into The Hoop And Passing Through The Net Is A Metaphor For Conception And Birth by LeBron James | Mar 15 2024

In my 21-year career at the top of the NBA, I can say that I’ve done it all. 40,000 points, four championships, and a story that people will be telling for years to come. But before my career comes to an end, before I hang up the shoes and bid farewell to the hardwood, I’d like to impart a little wisdom on you all: The basketball going through the hoop and passing through the net is a metaphor for conception and birth.

What Do Tapioca Moms, Gerber Babies, and SeaWorld Employees All Have In Common? They’re Voting Blocs To Watch In 2024. Let’s Check The Map. by Politico Online | Mar 15 2024

What Do Tapioca Moms, Gerber Babies, and SeaWorld Employees All Have In Common? They’re Voting Blocs To Watch In 2024. Let’s Check The Map. In the Midwest, we expect to see Tapioca Moms shaping the way important Rust Belt swing states like Ohio, Michigan, and Wisconsin look for Biden.