Friday, September 20, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Dorothy Jiang


Dorothy's articles

Report: Erik With A K Obviously Sexy | Apr 19 2019

In a report issued last Tuesday, researchers proved that Eriks with a K are obviously sexy. “It’s an ironclad rule,” reported lead researcher Clare Wen. “The K makes him sexy. Erics with a C are okay, I mean we have nothing against them, but when it’s Erik with a K, that’s something else. All evidence demonstrates that Erik with a K is a total hunk.” At press time, researchers had begun to analyze studies that showed Geoff with a G was smart as hell.

I Can't Help Being A Horse Girl Because My Mom Is A Horse | Mar 08 2019

I know horse girls are the worst, but I can’t help being one. They all have their lightly curled sandy brown hair, shoulder pads, and riding boots, but they’re just pretending. I am genetically half horse. It’s true, my mom is a horse and that is the reason I am a horse girl.

Main Green Getting Squishy Again | Mar 08 2019

On his way to class on Tuesday morning, sophomore Frank Rudolf reported that the main green was getting squishy again. “I guess I’ll cut across it since I’m running pretty late,” Rudolf said, walking carefully on the damp grass. “Uh oh, now there’s a bit of mud on my shoe. I guess it’s just that time of year, huh?” At press time, Rudolf was headed toward the sidewalk.

Brown Student In RISD Course Really Getting Off On Being Super Fucking Bad At This | Dec 07 2018

Sources report that Brown student Donna Jameson, who is currently working on her final piece for the RISD course she is enrolled in, is really getting off on being bad at it. “It’s nice to be good at the things I do at the school I actually got into,” Jameson said after a brutal crit in which her work was completely torn apart by people who are actually qualified to attend one of the best art schools in the country, “But it’s honestly so refreshing to know I don’t deserve to be somewhere, but then still get to be there.” Though Jameson has been encouraged many times to stick to taking classes at the school she actually got into, she has been adamant about staying in the RISD course.

Student Can't Decide If She Wants To Grow Up To Be John Krasinski Or Janet Yellen | Oct 26 2018

Mulling over her career options in a meeting with a CareerLAB counselor, student Sam Chen just can’t decide if she wants to grow up to be John Krasinski or Janet Yellen. “I know what kind of career options are available to me with a Brown degree: I could be a John or a Janet,” Chen explained.

Student Seamlessly Transitions From Wine On The Seine To PBR In Caswell Basement | Sep 14 2018

Upon returning to campus from a romantic, culturally stimulating semester in Paris, senior Heather Chu experienced an entirely seamless transition from sipping wine on the Seine to shot-gunning PBR in Caswell basement. “I had an amazing time abroad, but honestly, I can’t believe how right it feels jamming my keys into the side of this shitty can,” stated Chu, peeling her feet off the beer-stained linoleum.

Report: Retyping Heading Found To Be Most Effective Cure For Writer’s Block | Dec 01 2017

According to local student Brandon Yoon, the most effective cure for writer’s block is just retyping the heading over and over and over again. “My name, the class, the date, the assignment…I cranked it all out right after I created a new file, but sometimes it helps get the juices flowing to just sit down, hold the backspace button, and type it all again,” said Yoon, toiling over a nearly-blank Google document that he pulled up several hours ago.

Friend Asks “Is He Into Me?” About Guy Making Eye Contact While Kissing Different Girl | Nov 03 2017

Sources report that student Carrie Mason was squinting across the club before asking her friend "is he into me?” about a guy making eye contact with her while kissing a different girl. “He was holding this really intense, prolonged eye contact,” Mason said, “Which makes me think he was into me.

White Man In East Asian Studies Seminar Does Not Even Hesitate A Little Before Inserting His Take On Chinese Culture | Nov 03 2017

After Professor Xiu Hong finished posing a discussion question to her East Asian studies seminar, white man James Bernard, without even the slightest, littlest, tiniest bit of hesitation, proceeded to insert his own take on Chinese culture among classmates who were mainly of Asian descent.

Climate Scientists Actually Haven’t Considered Sponges To Combat Rising Sea Levels | Nov 03 2017

According to the nation’s leading climate scientists, before a suggestion was found today in the depths of a Facebook comment debate on climate change, they actually had not yet considered using sponges to combat the earth’s rising sea levels. “Sponges absorb water and the problem is water so why don’t we use them?" asked area woman Micaela Sunton, echoing the sentiments of people everywhere, "I don’t know how scientists haven’t even considered this.