Saturday, September 22, 2018
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Dorothy Jiang

Writer

Dorothy's articles

Student Seamlessly Transitions From Wine On The Seine To PBR In Caswell Basement | Sep 14 2018

Upon returning to campus from a romantic, culturally stimulating semester in Paris, senior Heather Chu experienced an entirely seamless transition from sipping wine on the Seine to shot-gunning PBR in Caswell basement. “I had an amazing time abroad, but honestly, I can’t believe how right it feels jamming my keys into the side of this shitty can,” stated Chu, peeling her feet off the beer-stained linoleum.

Report: Retyping Heading Found To Be Most Effective Cure For Writer’s Block | Dec 01 2017

According to local student Brandon Yoon, the most effective cure for writer’s block is just retyping the heading over and over and over again. “My name, the class, the date, the assignment…I cranked it all out right after I created a new file, but sometimes it helps get the juices flowing to just sit down, hold the backspace button, and type it all again,” said Yoon, toiling over a nearly-blank Google document that he pulled up several hours ago.

Friend Asks “Is He Into Me?” About Guy Making Eye Contact While Kissing Different Girl | Nov 03 2017

Sources report that student Carrie Mason was squinting across the club before asking her friend "is he into me?” about a guy making eye contact with her while kissing a different girl. “He was holding this really intense, prolonged eye contact,” Mason said, “Which makes me think he was into me.

White Man In East Asian Studies Seminar Does Not Even Hesitate A Little Before Inserting His Take On Chinese Culture | Nov 03 2017

After Professor Xiu Hong finished posing a discussion question to her East Asian studies seminar, white man James Bernard, without even the slightest, littlest, tiniest bit of hesitation, proceeded to insert his own take on Chinese culture among classmates who were mainly of Asian descent.

Climate Scientists Actually Haven’t Considered Sponges To Combat Rising Sea Levels | Nov 03 2017

According to the nation’s leading climate scientists, before a suggestion was found today in the depths of a Facebook comment debate on climate change, they actually had not yet considered using sponges to combat the earth’s rising sea levels. “Sponges absorb water and the problem is water so why don’t we use them?" asked area woman Micaela Sunton, echoing the sentiments of people everywhere, "I don’t know how scientists haven’t even considered this.