The Brown Noser

Cast Of Student Play Generously Treats Audience To Post-Show Talkback

Assembling a line of folding chairs in the center of Leeds Theater last Sunday, the cast of Sock & Buskin’s recent play “My Country, My Time” was generous enough to treat its audience to a post-show talkback. “We really lucked out!” commented Charisse Bedford ’21 as the 4-person cast fielded questions from their rapt, lavishly-spoiled audience, shedding light on the one-act play that commented on a gamut of heavy topics from climate anxiety to the American dream.

BDH Begs Brown Community To Stop Sending So Much Fan Mail

Citing a continuous and overwhelming deluge of positive feedback in both their physical and online inboxes, the Brown Daily Herald has pleaded for the Brown community to stop sending so much fan mail. “We adore and appreciate our fans so much,” said Editor-in-Chief Brango Hughley ’20 at a packed press conference held in Salomon auditorium Tuesday evening.

"Don’t Worry, It’s The Brown Noser," Student Handing Out Newspaper Clarifies To Frightened Passerby

Sources report that a student handing out newspapers clarifiedm “Don’t worry, it’s the Brown Noser,” to a frightened passerby. “I could see the fear in that guy’s eyes,” explained Noser Staff Writer Sarah Hart, recalling the momentary panic she caused by offering him a copy of the new Noser issue.

Editors' Note: Bringing The Noser Into The Future

You might notice that the Noser in your hands looks a bit different. You better notice. We worked hard on that. It’s sleeker, it’s sexier, it’s beefier, and most importantly, it embodies the spirit of the new decade. That’s right. We’re bringing The Noser into the twentieth century.

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I Cannot Support Bernie Sanders Because He Was Mean To Me In My Dream Last Night

Like many Americans, this year’s election is especially important to me — will we be able to pull together a winning Democratic coalition, or will we suffer another four years of Trump? There are certainly some strong candidates in the Democratic primary so far, but there’s one person we simply can’t afford to hand the nomination.

Selling My Soul To A Dark Mage In Exchange For Complete Mind-Control Over Timothée Chalamet Is The Best Thing I Ever Did For My Career by Greta Gerwig

Let me make one thing clear: a director is nothing without an amazing team of actors. From Lady Bird to Little Women, I’ve been blessed to work with some of the top names in the industry: Saoirse Ronan, Lucas Hedges, and even Oscar-winner Laura Dern.

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Local Business Going To Start Pathetic Little Instagram Account

Sources reported Sunday that local business Zephyr Pastries is planning to start a pathetic little Instagram account. “We’ve been trying to expand our business,” explained founder and manager Grant Andante, fiddling with the Instagram app on his phone.

Keep Calm And Avoid Homework, Cousin's T-shirt Commands

Thousands of trembling citizens began fiercely meditating while shredding algebra worksheets and copies of Lord of the Flies this past Tuesday after a command to “Keep Calm and Avoid Homework” was issued by local cousin Nicky Campbell’s neon orange graphic tee.

Dad Blowing Dust Off Record Like He Indiana Jones

Area dad Mark Babson is reportedly taking painstaking care to blow every speck off dust of his 1977 vinyl of Steely Dan’s Aja as if he were Indiana Jones, the intrepid archaeologist of classic 80s movie trilogy. “Man, it’s been forever since I played this,” said Babson as he pulled the album out of its yellowed, paper dust jacket.

Facebook “People You May Know” List Just People You Avoid

Recent investigations have indicated that Facebook’s “People You May Know” list consists entirely of people you avoid. “I do know them,” senior Madeleine Lu said of those on the list Facebook had generated for her. “But I generally try to avoid them.

Aunt's Dog Not One Of The Cute Ones

Sources report that local Aunt Ada Dickens has gotten a dog, but it’s not one of the cute ones. “When I heard Auntie Ada got a new dog, I was pretty excited,” explained nephew Pete Monroe, expressing frustration that his Aunt had for some reason opted for a dinky breed with beady eyes, gangly legs, and a baseball-sized head.

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Science Reports Correlation Between Amount Of Tiny Desk Videos Watched And How Much You Fuck Like A Champ

A new report published by science has found that there is a strong correlation between the amount of NPR Tiny Desk Concert videos one has watched and how much that person fucks like a champ. The report finds that this correlation can be found among a variety of different but connected metrics.

New iPhone Ad Just Spits In Your Face And Reads “You’re Gonna Want It Anyway”

A television advertisement that Apple released for its brand new iPhone 12 reportedly spits in your face and reads, “You’re Gonna Want It Anyway.” “We just thought, why the hell not?” said Apple’s marketing director Cecilia Anthony. “I mean, people are gonna buy our phones no matter what.

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