The Brown Noser

Local Business Going To Start Pathetic Little Instagram Account | Mar 06 2020

Sources reported Sunday that local business Zephyr Pastries is planning to start a pathetic little Instagram account. “We’ve been trying to expand our business,” explained founder and manager Grant Andante, fiddling with the Instagram app on his phone.

Keep Calm And Avoid Homework, Cousin's T-shirt Commands | Mar 06 2020

Thousands of trembling citizens began fiercely meditating while shredding algebra worksheets and copies of Lord of the Flies this past Tuesday after a command to “Keep Calm and Avoid Homework” was issued by local cousin Nicky Campbell’s neon orange graphic tee.

Dad Blowing Dust Off Record Like He Indiana Jones | Mar 06 2020

Area dad Mark Babson is reportedly taking painstaking care to blow every speck off dust of his 1977 vinyl of Steely Dan’s Aja as if he were Indiana Jones, the intrepid archaeologist of classic 80s movie trilogy. “Man, it’s been forever since I played this,” said Babson as he pulled the album out of its yellowed, paper dust jacket.

Facebook “People You May Know” List Just People You Avoid | Mar 06 2020

Recent investigations have indicated that Facebook’s “People You May Know” list consists entirely of people you avoid. “I do know them,” senior Madeleine Lu said of those on the list Facebook had generated for her. “But I generally try to avoid them.

Aunt's Dog Not One Of The Cute Ones | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that local Aunt Ada Dickens has gotten a dog, but it’s not one of the cute ones. “When I heard Auntie Ada got a new dog, I was pretty excited,” explained nephew Pete Monroe, expressing frustration that his Aunt had for some reason opted for a dinky breed with beady eyes, gangly legs, and a baseball-sized head.

Childhood Bed Annexed By Decorative Pillows | Mar 06 2020

According to eyewitnesses, sophomore Ernest Monray’s childhood bed has been completely annexed by decorative pillows. “I got home to discover that my old bed was completely overrun with these ornamental throw pillows,” Monray explained, grappling with the disturbing reality that his longtime bed had been conquered by an army of silk-brocaded cushions.

Area Man Claims Jewish Heritage To Orthodox Solicitors In Hopes Of Getting Cool Reed | Mar 06 2020

While walking down Thayer Street on Tuesday, area man Bill O’Malley responded affirmatively to the question of whether he was Jewish in an effort to get an Orthodox solicitor’s cool reed. “Usually I ignore people coming up to me on Thayer Street, but man, that reed looked cool,” O’Malley said, recalling the awesome bundle of date palm leaves he was offered.

Area Man Digging Around In Napkin Dispenser Like Old Prospector | Mar 06 2020

Plunging his fingertips into a napkin dispenser, area man Howard Hoffman was reportedly behaving as though he was an old prospector digging for gold, rather than a man trying to clean up some spilled soup. “He looked kind of desperate, and also a little angry,” said nearby diner Sasha Speck.

Area Man Just Gonna Clean Up Spill With Sock | Mar 06 2020

Glancing around in search of a napkin, area man Dave Whitman reportedly decided he’s just gonna clean up a recent spill with his sock. “I mean, I can’t just leave this Sprite puddle sitting on the coffee table like an animal,” Whitman said, removing his left sock to sop up the liquid before it could start dripping onto the rug.

Everything Area Woman’s Ex Ever Did Conveniently Reframed As Red Flag In Hindsight | Mar 06 2020

Reflecting on her recent breakup, area woman Kelly Shields was pleased to find that she was able to reframe everything her ex-boyfriend ever did into a glaring red flag in hindsight. “Remember how Josh would never pet strangers’ dogs?” Shields vented to a friend, suddenly and conveniently realizing that everything her former boyfriend ever did should have been interpreted as a signal to break up.

Burger King Pretending Impossible Whopper The Only Burger They Sell Without Beef In It | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that fast food chain Burger King is pretending their new plant-based Impossible Whopper is the only burger they sell without beef in it. “Here at Burger King, we’re proud to offer a meatless alternative to our traditional burgers,” said spokesperson Richard Gilhooly, completely ignoring the fact that the other Whoppers on Burger King’s menu contain no traces of real meat.

Heartless Elementary School Teacher Adds Rule After “Have Fun” | Mar 06 2020

Heartless first-grade teacher Helen Green recently added a class rule after “have fun,” sources report. “Rule number one, of course, is ‘have fun,’” Ms. Green declared, mere moments from despoiling the goodwill she had just created among her students by despotically etching the oppressive order onto the chalkboard for all to see.

Toddler Mostly Parka At This Point | Mar 06 2020

According to sources at India Point Park this morning, local toddler Rueben Sogin was basically all parka. “He’s so bundled up, I can barely tell there’s a toddler inside all that parka!” said onlooker Meg Bartles, observing as the toddler waddled around a playground in his down-filled puffer, which essentially rendered him more coat than child. “He must be warm though!” At press time, after taking a bath, the toddler was mostly towel.

Historical Society Quietly Hoping For New War To Reenact | Mar 06 2020

The Providence Historical Society is reportedly hoping for another war so they can dress up and reenact it. “We don’t want anything too big,” said the society’s President Mary Helma, checking the morning news for any disputes brewing around the globe.

KIND Bar Condemned To Depths Of Backpack For All Eternity | Mar 06 2020

It became clear Tuesday that a KIND bar has been condemned to the depths of area man Jerrod Williston’s backpack for all eternity. “A week ago I took it with me as a snack but forgot about it, and at this point I think it’s staying down there forever,” Williston said, noting that the fruit and nut bar has receded into the deepest recesses of his Jansport.

Last Text From Dad Just Picture Of New Stamps | Mar 06 2020

This past Monday, Ainsley Anderson ’21 opened her phone to find that the last text her father had sent her was just a picture of his new stamps. “It was just a blurry photo of a reel of stamps,” Anderson said. “I think there were birds on them? It was hard to tell." Anderson’s father reportedly captioned the photo with “American Kestrel, 79 cents!!!” and a description of how he couldn’t wait to mail one to Anderson’s aunt Suzette because she "would really get a kick out of it.” “I just don’t understand,” Anderson said.

Man At Petting Zoo Worried Goat Only Likes Him For His Pellets | Mar 06 2020

Feeling used as the alfalfa in his cupped hand was furiously devoured, petting zoo attendee Zach Mitchell became worried that Oreo, a pygmy goat, only liked him for his pellets. “I just can’t shake this feeling that Oreo doesn’t like me for me, you know?” lamented Mitchell as Oreo began nibbling on the t-shirt of another man in the wood-chipped pen.

Pediatrician Gives Parents Harrowing Prognosis In Looney Tunes Necktie | Mar 06 2020

According to witnesses at the Rhode Island Hospital’s pediatric wing, Dr. Gary Dougherty recently delivered a sobering prognosis while wearing a bright yellow Looney Tunes necktie. “I’m so incredibly sorry; I know that this is tough,” Dougherty said solemnly, steadily delivering the achingly terrible news as he tugged a bit on his necktie featuring Tweety Bird in a Santa hat.

Report: Jennifer Would | Mar 06 2020

Roommates of Jennifer Tilley ‘22 yesterday confirmed that Jennifer absolutely would. “After a thorough analysis of the data collected on Jennifer, not only can we confirm that Jennifer would, but our models show that that is such a Jennifer move,” reported Lacy Hargrove ‘22 on the research paper she co-authored entitled “Jennifer: Did You Hear About What She Did To Brandon?” “We know it may sound extreme, but we believe a scoffed declaration of ‘classic Jennifer’ would not be unjustified.” At press time, the research team is inquiring further into Jennifer in an effort to prove that she is literally the worst.

Saxophone Boy Just Honking His Big Ol’ Horn | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that Saxophone Boy is just honking his big ol’ horn. “Toot toot,” went the Saxophone Boy, absolutely wailing on his jumbo piece of brass. “Skooby dooby doop doo whoop whoop bop.” “Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap,” continued the Saxophone Boy, really laying wind into his big honking tube.

Shitty Folk Musician Not Sad | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that shitty folk musician Bret Greenspan is not sad. His inexplicable happiness became apparent at an open mic night on Thursday, when audience members noted that not even the slightest trace of pain or longing was visible on his face.

Report: Parade Horse Wearing Scrumptious Little Hat | Mar 06 2020

Today in the parade, a horse had on just the most scrumptious hat you could ever imagine. “Look at that horse! He’s got a little hat on his head! Look at him go!” stated an enthralled onlooker as the majestic horse stunted his little baby hat. “It’s got feathers and sequins and everything!” Sources report that the horse was also wearing itty bitty horse shoes that made a dainty little clippity-clop.

Off Campus (Mar 06 2020 issue)