Dean of the College Rashid Zia was spotted crouching in the bushes outside Whiskey Republic, muttering “Well, well, well, you’ve fallen right into my little trap” to a group of Brown students violating the University’s COVID regulations.
“I’ve been waiting to pounce all night long,” murmured Dean Zia under his breath, lowering his binoculars and preparing to approach the students with formal warnings.
Beginning a socially distant conversation from six feet apart, two friends reportedly began circling closer together like a binary star system.
“Jen! It’s been so long, you look great,” said Patrick Haley as he and his friend Jen began orbiting counterclockwise around a common center of mass like an awe-inspiring astronomical phenomenon.
In a statement released to the public Friday morning, it was announced that the nation’s roommates would like to know if they can take just one quick hit of that.
“It’s totally cool if we can’t, but we sure would like to,” the nation’s roommates made clear in the statement, echoing the sentiments of many statements they’ve released in the past to request just a little teeny, tiny, very fast hit of that.
Senior Leo Curran reported on Thursday that it remains unclear whether the student band “Fragile Rat” is good or if they’re just his friends.
“I love the band, but I’m not sure exactly why,” said Curran, reflecting on his enthusiasm for Fragile Rat, every member of which is a friend of his.
According to his dining partner Jack Michaels, area man Thomas Maxwell was eating his soup like he was going in for a little kiss. “The way he was eating that soup looked like he was going to give it a tiny smooch,” said Michaels, describing how Maxwell puckered his lips in a kissy face and leaned in slightly before taking the smallest slurp of lobster bisque.
According to her children, area mother Maria Drummond is running with every one of Venmo’s GIF suggestions. “Every time she requests my share of the cellphone bill, she picks one of the GIFs Venmo suggests of a cellphone doing a little dance or something,” said Drummond’s daughter, adding that her mother will often include a GIF that isn’t remotely related to the purpose of the payment.
Hi everyone, I hope you’re well. This Zoom thing is still pretty crazy to me — oh, Samantha’s here, welcome Samantha — but I know last time we had a little problem with audio feedback. This weekend, though, I went out and bought a new pair of headphones, so I hope you can all hjkkkkhhmnrrrrrrwjkzmeeeeeeek.
Point: This is Earth’s Hottest Year on Record, by The National Climate Data Center
2020 is shaping up to be the Earth’s hottest year on record.
The reason is simple, clear, and undeniable: this disaster is caused by man-made climate change.