The Brown Noser

“Well, Well, Well, You’ve Fallen Right Into My Little Trap,” Mutters Dean Zia From Bushes Of Whiskey Republic

Dean of the College Rashid Zia was spotted crouching in the bushes outside Whiskey Republic, muttering “Well, well, well, you’ve fallen right into my little trap” to a group of Brown students violating the University’s COVID regulations. “I’ve been waiting to pounce all night long,” murmured Dean Zia under his breath, lowering his binoculars and preparing to approach the students with formal warnings.

Allotted Timeline For Completing University's COVID Word Search Grows Frighteningly Short

With only a month and a half remaining in the Fall 2020 semester, the allotted timeline for completing Brown’s COVID word search has grown frighteningly short. “It’s almost impossible to balance this with my classes,” said senior Kevin Young, circling the word ‘bear’ in colored pencil.

Swearer Center Emphasizes Importance Of Volunteering For Local Militia

Stressing a critical need for students to give back more to the Rhode Island community in these trying times, the Swearer Center for Public Service emphasized the importance of volunteering for local militia organizations. “With everything going on, there’s no better time for students to devote time to community service — particularly military service,” said Interim Swearer Center Director Betsy Shimberg, adding that many local militia forces will even provide students with the arms and munitions they need to serve.

Blinding Rays Of Light Emanate From Joe Biden's Mortal Frame As He Wages Final Battle For Soul Of Nation

While preparing to strike the final blow in the battle for the soul of the nation, Joe Biden’s mortal frame has reportedly begun emanating blinding rays of light in every direction. “The nation’s soul is on the ballot,” the Democratic presidential candidate bellowed as pure energy and strong gusts of wind encircled his entire body, lifting him into the air.

View more Campus Life

I Just Bought A New Pair Of Headphones, So I Hope You Can All Hjkkkkhhmnrrrrrrwjkzmeeeeeeek by Your Professor

Hi everyone, I hope you’re well. This Zoom thing is still pretty crazy to me — oh, Samantha’s here, welcome Samantha — but I know last time we had a little problem with audio feedback. This weekend, though, I went out and bought a new pair of headphones, so I hope you can all hjkkkkhhmnrrrrrrwjkzmeeeeeeek.

POINT: This Is Earth’s Hottest Year On Record. / COUNTERPOINT: This Is Trish’s Hottest Year On Record!

Point: This is Earth’s Hottest Year on Record, by The National Climate Data Center 2020 is shaping up to be the Earth’s hottest year on record. The reason is simple, clear, and undeniable: this disaster is caused by man-made climate change.

View more Opinion

Conversation 6-Feet Apart Slowly Circling Closer Like Binary Star System

Beginning a socially distant conversation from six feet apart, two friends reportedly began circling closer together like a binary star system. “Jen! It’s been so long, you look great,” said Patrick Haley as he and his friend Jen began orbiting counterclockwise around a common center of mass like an awe-inspiring astronomical phenomenon.

Nation's Roommates Want To Know If They Can Take Just One Quick Hit Of That

In a statement released to the public Friday morning, it was announced that the nation’s roommates would like to know if they can take just one quick hit of that. “It’s totally cool if we can’t, but we sure would like to,” the nation’s roommates made clear in the statement, echoing the sentiments of many statements they’ve released in the past to request just a little teeny, tiny, very fast hit of that.

It Unclear Whether Student Band Good Or They Just Your Friends

Senior Leo Curran reported on Thursday that it remains unclear whether the student band “Fragile Rat” is good or if they’re just his friends. “I love the band, but I’m not sure exactly why,” said Curran, reflecting on his enthusiasm for Fragile Rat, every member of which is a friend of his.

Area Man Eating Soup Like He Going In For Little Kiss

According to his dining partner Jack Michaels, area man Thomas Maxwell was eating his soup like he was going in for a little kiss. “The way he was eating that soup looked like he was going to give it a tiny smooch,” said Michaels, describing how Maxwell puckered his lips in a kissy face and leaned in slightly before taking the smallest slurp of lobster bisque.

Area Mom Running With All Of Venmo’s GIF Suggestions

According to her children, area mother Maria Drummond is running with every one of Venmo’s GIF suggestions. “Every time she requests my share of the cellphone bill, she picks one of the GIFs Venmo suggests of a cellphone doing a little dance or something,” said Drummond’s daughter, adding that her mother will often include a GIF that isn’t remotely related to the purpose of the payment.

View more Off Campus

Search The Brown Noser

Lab Rat Does It For The Love Of The Maze

Feeling content with his lot at the East Side Clinical Laboratory in Lincoln, RI, a naturally curious lab rat reported that he just does it for the love of the maze. “You know some of my rodent buddies in this lab get real PO’d when we’re fed drugs that make us all loopy-like, or our reward is a raisin instead of a piece of cheese,” squeaked the lab rat with carefree air.

View more Science & Technology