The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Oct 30 2020 issue)

“Well, Well, Well, You’ve Fallen Right Into My Little Trap,” Mutters Dean Zia From Bushes Of Whiskey Republic | Oct 30 2020

Dean of the College Rashid Zia was spotted crouching in the bushes outside Whiskey Republic, muttering “Well, well, well, you’ve fallen right into my little trap” to a group of Brown students violating the University’s COVID regulations. “I’ve been waiting to pounce all night long,” murmured Dean Zia under his breath, lowering his binoculars and preparing to approach the students with formal warnings.

Allotted Timeline For Completing University's COVID Word Search Grows Frighteningly Short | Oct 30 2020

With only a month and a half remaining in the Fall 2020 semester, the allotted timeline for completing Brown’s COVID word search has grown frighteningly short. “It’s almost impossible to balance this with my classes,” said senior Kevin Young, circling the word ‘bear’ in colored pencil.

Swearer Center Emphasizes Importance Of Volunteering For Local Militia | Oct 30 2020

Stressing a critical need for students to give back more to the Rhode Island community in these trying times, the Swearer Center for Public Service emphasized the importance of volunteering for local militia organizations. “With everything going on, there’s no better time for students to devote time to community service — particularly military service,” said Interim Swearer Center Director Betsy Shimberg, adding that many local militia forces will even provide students with the arms and munitions they need to serve.

Blinding Rays Of Light Emanate From Joe Biden's Mortal Frame As He Wages Final Battle For Soul Of Nation | Oct 30 2020

While preparing to strike the final blow in the battle for the soul of the nation, Joe Biden’s mortal frame has reportedly begun emanating blinding rays of light in every direction. “The nation’s soul is on the ballot,” the Democratic presidential candidate bellowed as pure energy and strong gusts of wind encircled his entire body, lifting him into the air.

Report: We’ll See | Oct 30 2020

According to a report released by experts around the country on Tuesday, we’ll see. “It’s really unclear what’s gonna happen at this point, guess we’ll see,” the report explained, noting that things could get better soon, but they also could get a lot worse, so, we’ll see.

University Reveals New "34 Strikes And You're Out" Policy For Varsity Lax Team | Oct 30 2020

In a groundbreaking display of authority in light of a recent uptick in COVID cases on campus, the University has instituted a new “34 Strikes And You’re Out” policy for the varsity lacrosse team. “I understand the desire to gather in large groups and return to normalcy,” wrote Brown President Christina Paxson in a sternly worded email to members of the lax team.

Email From The College Playing Fun Little Game Of Two Truths And A Lie | Oct 30 2020

Students across campus are scratching their heads after a recent email from the University doubled as a cute little game of two truths and a lie. The email, titled “Reopening Plans For Spring 2021 Semester,” notified students that it would present its announcements in the form of the classic party game.

Friend’s BPR Article Opened, Closed | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that junior Amanda Brently opened her friend’s Brown Political Review article on Chinese trade with the European Union and promptly closed it again. “When I read the title, I was immediately impressed by the implied grasp Mark had on the subject,” said Brently of her friend’s piece, which she hadn’t even bothered to skim.

CIA Agent Demoted From Fieldwork To Teaching IR At Brown | Oct 30 2020

Sources reported Thursday that CIA agent Thomas Krinze was demoted from fieldwork to teaching International Relations at the Watson Institute. “I feel like such a fuckup,” Krinze lamented, flipping through his Agency-issued preparatory materials on lecturing on world affairs as an intelligence plant.

COVID Temperature Check Just Mom Feeling Forehead With Back of Hand | Oct 30 2020

In an update to the University’s testing procedures, the COVID temperature check will pivot to a system based on a mom feeling every patient’s forehead with the back of her hand. “To improve our fever screening, we decided to replace our thermometers with a mom who presses the back of her hand to your forehead for a couple seconds,” said head doctor Misha Bigsworth, describing how the mom would first feel each student’s forehead to see if it’s warm and then check their cheeks for color.

Brown Declares Pandemic Defeated After Putting Out 100 Plastic Chairs | Oct 30 2020

After placing about 100 plastic chairs around campus outdoor spaces in preparation for the influx of students this semester, the University’s COVID-19 task force has declared an end to the pandemic. “We solved it!” began an email from Vice President Eric Estes with the subject line “All Gone!” “Who knew that all we had to do to protect students from the virus was put out some chairs? That way people will sit outside, where the virus isn’t!” Sources close to Estes and President Christina Paxson report that they are expecting some sort of prize for their discovery of outside chairs, hopefully a Nobel, but a Medal of Freedom would be cool too.

Report: Fuck, Everyone Writing Pretty Long Posts On Canvas Discussion Board | Oct 30 2020

Logging onto the Canvas page for her American Studies class, junior Tess Navarro reported that, fuck, everyone is writing pretty long posts on the discussion board. “Shit, people are writing like 700 words here,” Navarro remarked in dismay, scrolling through a sequence of substantial, multi-paragraph responses to the week’s readings.

Symptom Tracker Updated To Include "Generally Unhealthy But Probably Not COVID" Option | Oct 30 2020

The University reported that they would be updating their daily COVID symptom tracker to include a “generally unhealthy but probably not COVID” option. “After three months of the system, one thing became clear: our students are almost always slightly sick,” explained Health Services director Vannessa Brito.

First-Year Pissed He Can't Have All That Sex Now, Damn | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that first-year Josh Badabuppi is pissed that, damn, he will no longer be able to have all that sex he was surely going to have in college because of the pandemic. “Yeah, damn, it really sucks doesn’t it?” lamented Badabuppi, truly distressed by the thought of what he assumes are many missed opportunities, sexually.

Ratty Alternative Meal Just Beginner’s Guide To Foraging Wild Mushrooms | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that the alternative meal option at the Ratty is just a beginner’s guide to foraging wild mushrooms. “I guess I’m supposed to gather my own mushrooms for lunch,” said junior Adam Kensington, who ordered an alternative meal expecting the usual simple starch and boiled chicken.

Those Boys Somehow Still Playing Pool In Faunce Basement | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that, somehow, those boys are still playing pool in the basement of Faunce. “I knew they never really stopped playing pool when the University was functioning as usual,” said junior Martha Rosenberg, who was surprised to encounter the boys when she noticed a door to Faunce was ajar and went inside.

Bagel Gourmet Order Just Brown Bag Filled With Napkins | Oct 30 2020

Bagel Gourmet customer Emma Jacob’s recent order was just a brown bag filled with napkins, sources report. “I ordered a plain bagel with cream cheese,” said Jacobs, napkins spilling out the top of the bag that was supposed to contain her order.

Brown Dems Spending Final Days Before Election Knocking Doors In Key Battleground Dorms | Oct 30 2020

In their final push to get out the vote, the Brown Democrats have spent their last few days before the 2020 election knocking doors in key battleground dorms. “With so little time left before the most important election of our lives, we’re trying to devote our attention where it’s needed most,” said Brown Dems President Dana Li Ten while working to win over swing voters on the Main Green.

President Paxson Outraged To Learn Of Lacrosse Team Throwing Parties She Wasn’t Invited To | Oct 30 2020

Brown University President Christina Paxson was outraged in recent weeks to learn that the lacrosse team has been throwing parties she wasn’t invited to. “This behavior is reckless and irresponsible,” said President Paxson in a campus-wide email.

Main Green Spikeball Boys Officially Reenter Winter Cryogenic Stasis Tubes | Oct 30 2020

After determining that the autumn weather is now cold enough to damage her perfect specimens, Brown Physiology Professor Dr. Josephine Clements has decided it’s time to send the boys who play Spikeball on the Main Green back to their winter cryogenic stasis tubes.

Off-Campus House Abides By Strict Novelty Cup Only Rule | Oct 30 2020

According to the tenants at 63 John Street, their off-campus residence abides by a strict Novelty Cup Only rule. “We like to keep things fun around here,” reported roommate Bree Dobbins ’21, opening a cupboard to reveal multiple shelves of kitschy drinking vessels.

Student In Discussion Section Redirecting Conversation Topic Like They Staging Coup | Oct 30 2020

In a recent Creative Nonfiction discussion section, Sophomore Lindsay Loughlin redirected the conversation topic like she was staging a coup. “On an unrelated note,” Loughlin triumphantly declared, firing the first shot to topple the class’s power structure.

Student With Zero Obligations Confidently Blocks Off Two Random Hours In When2meet | Oct 30 2020

Confidently avoiding a random block of time as she filled out a when2meet for a club meeting, sophomore Jenna Mills was sure to alter her availability even though she has zero obligations. “I can’t have everyone knowing I don’t do anything with my time,” Mills explained, self-consciously checking everyone else’s availability to make sure she didn’t look completely lame.

Zoom Breakout Room Just Fifteen Minute Discussion About Where Everybody Calling From | Oct 30 2020

Students in The Politics of European Democracies reported that their Zoom breakout room was just a fifteen-minute discussion about where everybody was calling from. “We were supposed to have an in-depth discussion about the week’s readings,“ said student Devin Plunk, who spent most of the time in the breakout room on mute.

Off-Campus Juniors Announce Plans To Add A Lamp Here Or There, Maybe A Plant | Oct 30 2020

Earlier this semester, Brown’s off-campus junior class announced their plans to add a lamp here or there, and maybe a plant. “We know things look a little barren right now,” conceded the University’s juniors, gesturing in the direction of the plantless and lampless areas of their off-campus home.

Brown Limits Group Halloween Costumes To Five Or Fewer People | Oct 30 2020

In an email sent to the Brown community Friday morning, Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy Russell Carey announced a new COVID-19 safety rule limiting group Halloween costumes to five or fewer people. “To prevent COVID-19 outbreaks stemming from Halloween parties this year, all group costumes can have no more than five members,” Carey wrote, noting that no exceptions can be made for larger group costumes that have been in the works for a long time.

Nose Swab Sweet Sweet Massage For Tender Tender Nostrils | Oct 30 2020

Student Megan Bakersfield reported that the nose swabs at the OMAC testing facility were a sweet sweet massage for her tender tender nostrils. “The way the nose swab gently caresses the inside of my aching nasal passage releases so, so much tension,” said Bakersfield, digging in there with the swab given to her by a nurse.

Bored COVID Tester Memorizes Fifty Years’ Worth Of Women’s Track And Field Records | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that bored Brown University COVID tester Josh Toulmin has memorized fifty years’ worth of women’s track and field records posted at the OMAC gymnasium. “There’s a lot of down time between each testee,” said Toulmin, staring at the all-too familiar wall of track and field records.

Overeager Safewalker Escorts Student From Room To Shower | Oct 30 2020

Eagerly devoting himself to his job, Safewalker Andrew Hardtke bravely offered to walk a student from their dorm’s doorway to the shower down the hall. “While students may not be walking to late-night parties anymore, I’m taking my job as a Safewalker more seriously than ever this semester," said Hardtke, adjusting his reflective vest under the dorm’s fluorescent lights.

Paxson Gently Reminds Dean Zia His Batman Mask Not Protecting Anyone From COVID | Oct 30 2020

Frowning and shaking her head with concern as she passed by Dean Rashid Zia, President Christina Paxson gently reminded the Dean of the College that his Batman mask wasn’t protecting anyone from COVID. “Now, Rashid, we talked about this,” Paxson whispered, pulling Zia aside to delicately chide him for his mistake.

Brown Announces Stage Two Of Phase One Of Something Else They Won’t Enforce | Oct 30 2020

In an email to Brown’s student body yesterday, President Christina Paxson announced that Brown’s campus was entering stage two of phase one of something else that wouldn’t be enforced. “I am pleased to announce that we have managed to bypass the first stage of the opening phase and are entering into a new one,” Paxson wrote about a plan that doesn’t mean anything since the University won’t actually make anyone follow these guidelines anyway.

Lacrosse Team Declares Beginning Of 14-Day “Loud Period” | Oct 30 2020

Following the conclusion of the quiet period last month, the varsity lacrosse team has announced the beginning of a 14-day “loud period,” according to a team statement. “Lacrosse players won’t be permitted to go a single day without shotgunning a brewsky while in Phase 1,” explained team captain Daniel Leges in an email.

Dining Services Severely Overestimating How Much 18-22 Year Olds Enjoy Eggs | Oct 30 2020

According to sources across campus, Brown Dining Services is severely overestimating how much adults in the 18-22 age bracket enjoy eating eggs. “They way overshot it on this one,” said sophomore Jim Marino, clearing out the dozens of hardboiled eggs that have piled up in his fridge over the past few months thanks to prepackaged Ratty meals.

PW Officially Cancels Annual “Licking In The Upspace” Event | Oct 30 2020

In an all-lowercase listserv email, Brown student theater group Production Workshop has officially cancelled their annual “Licking in the Upspace” event due to the ongoing pandemic. “We are incredibly disappointed that we cannot invite the student body into the Upspace this Fall to engage with a sense of place," wrote PW communications director Michaela Price ‘21.

Confused Joe Biden Starting To Wonder If He Really Is Radical Socialist | Oct 30 2020

Watching yet another clip of President Trump vehemently accusing him of being an agent of the far left, a confused Joe Biden was starting to wonder if he really is a radical socialist. “I’ve always considered myself more on the centrist side of the party,” said Biden, shaking his head as he tried to make sense of the Trump campaign’s apparent conviction that he is a bastion of leftist agendas.

Trump Proposes Replacing Corrupt Voting-By-Mail With Secure Voting-By-Facebook-Ad | Oct 30 2020

In a recent statement from the White House, President Trump proposed that all mail-in ballots be replaced with a more secure ballot embedded in a Facebook ad. “Voter fraud is a serious problem, and mail-in ballots only make it worse,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, emphasizing that thousands of mail ballots — if not hundreds of thousands — are completely fake.

Don Jr. And Eric Quietly Putting Mailbox Flags Down All Around Suburban Neighborhood In Last-Ditch Attempt To Suppress Mail Vote | Oct 30 2020

In a last-ditch attempt to suppress the mail vote and help their father win reelection, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have reportedly spent days quietly putting mailbox flags down around several Philadelphia suburbs. “Get that one! Go! Go! Go!” Don Jr.

Study Shows Voter Turnout Would Be Near Universal If "I Voted" Stickers Were Sparkly | Oct 30 2020

According to a groundbreaking new study of the U.S. voting age population, voter turnout would be nearly universal in every election if “I Voted” stickers were sparkly. “Our results indicate conclusively that the path to increasing voter turnout lies in improving the quality of the stickers provided to voters,” said lead researcher Harlan Bucknell-Dupree.

Florida's Leaders Scrambling To Figure Out How To Fuck Up Election This Time | Oct 30 2020

With just days left until the 2020 election, Florida’s leaders are reportedly scrambling to figure out how they’ll fuck up the election this time. “Fuck, what are we gonna do?!” said Florida Election Commissioner Glen Bulbis, anxiously clutching his head in his hands while struggling to keep from hyperventilating.

Mike Pence's Programmers Rushing To Add Presidential Oath To List Of Things He Can Say | Oct 30 2020

With uncertainty surrounding President Trump’s health in the wake of his coronavirus infection, Vice President Mike Pence’s programmers are reportedly rushing to add the Presidential Oath to the list of things that the Vice President can say. “We need to clear more hard drive space to make room for the oath of office!” the Vice President’s head programmer shouted to her team, frantically rerunning her code to debug Pence’s inability to repeat the oath when prompted.

Dr. Fauci Repeatedly Warning Of Hard Winter Ahead Like Weathered Leader Of Starving Pilgrim Town | Oct 30 2020

Speaking in an interview concerning the coronavirus pandemic in the upcoming winter season, Dr. Anthony Fauci repeatedly warned of the months ahead like the weathered leader of a starving pilgrim town. “Things are going to take a downward turn as soon as the air starts getting chillier,” Fauci said, as if he were about to break the news to his struggling 17th-century settlement that their supply of cured meats would barely last through January.

Trump Administration Selflessly Doing Its Part To Work Toward Herd Immunity | Oct 30 2020

With several of its members selflessly getting infected with COVID-19, the Trump administration has been hard at work helping to push the country toward herd immunity, according to a White House press release. “With every passing day, we in the White House are bringing America another step closer to the herd immunity we so badly need — one staffer at a time,” the statement read, commending West Wing staff and presidential advisors for taking on the thankless task of having coronavirus.

Developing Drinking Habit Ideal Response To COVID-19, CDC Announces | Oct 30 2020

During a White House press conference last Tuesday, CDC Director Robert Redfield stated that developing a drinking habit is the ideal response to COVID-19. “When evaluating responses to this pandemic, we’ve found that the most effective response is forming a chemical dependency on alcohol,” Redfield said in a nationally televised briefing.