The Brown Noser

Student Challenges José to Card Flip-Off, Ratty Line Reaches Pawtucket

A lunchtime catastrophe not seen since the infamous 'Eggplant Breakfast Scare of 2004' occurred last Tuesday when George Crinopoli '11, without the slightest provocation, challenged well-known Sharpe Refectory employee José to a card flip-off. According to University folklore, a card flip-off had not previously occurred since the riots of 1853, when Thaddeus Arthur 1856 engaged in combat with John Hay archivist Josiah "Mutton Chops" Cleveland.

Freecreditreport.com Band to Explore New Direction

Dogged by accusations of superficial songwriting and heckled by fans for their incredibly short sets, the Freecreditreport.com Band issued a press release Tuesday announcing their intentions to "adopt a new artistic compass and find our way to a new type of success.

Short-Lived Inside Joke Finds Use as Facebook Album Title

After careful deliberation and a great deal of distress, Jenny Houston '11 opted not to name her newly uploaded Facebook photo album "Summer at home," and instead broke ground by naming it "If I was a bear I'd be a koala." "I just thought the title that actually described the album was so blasé," Houston said.

"WaterFire" "Enthralls" "Audience"

Last Saturday night, an appalling number of Brown University students flocked downtown to gape at some ordinary bonfires sitting on an ordinary river when they could have been partying it up in New Pembroke #4, Room 419, like any cool person would have. The New Pembroke party was not just your regular excuse to drink, dance, and vomit, but rather a celebration of this reporter's birthday.

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Ask Jamie

Jamie - I just finished laying out my plan for health reform at a joint session of Congress. Now, I'm writing directly to you because what happens next is critical- and I need your help. Change this big will not happen because I ask for it. It can only come when the nation demands it.

It's Pronounced Douchéest

By now everyone has surely heard of the terrible error in August's issue of GQ. The magazine listed our very own Brown University as the douchiest college in America. I take offense to that. It's pronounced douchéest. GQ's use of the base term "douche" is inexcusable; whether the error was inadvertent or malevolent, the fact remains: a national magazine has libeled generations of proud Brown douchés.

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Bull in China Shop Becomes Elephant in Room

Staff and customers of Wickenden Kilnworks attempted to politely ignore a rampaging bull as it tore through the store and destroyed hundreds of valuable antiques earlier this week. The 1700-pound bovine entered the shop shortly after noon and said he only wanted to "look around.

Freshman in Search of Party Walks to Canada

On the evening of October 9th, Rob Fischer '13 was "just looking for a party, man." Yet Fischer's plans got set aside when he found himself being held in a Canadian prison. Brown Noser operatives were able to interview Fischer under the ruse of a maximum security conjugal visit, where Fischer claimed that his ill-fated journey began at approximately 8:43 p.

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Hand Sanitizer Machines Begin to Panic About Swine Flu

The campus-wide panic has begun. Students with a slight cough stay in their rooms all day and refuse to leave. Guys at frat parties ask a girl if she's feeling congested before hooking up with her. Students who never leave their rooms continue to play video games and eat Cheetos, unconcerned.

Unstoppable Force Just Misses Immovable Object, Crestfallen Physicist Reports

Scientists everywhere held their breath giddily, gasped, and defeatedly slouched in their ergonomic swivel chairs last Friday, as an Unstoppable Force narrowly whisked past an Immovable Object somewhere near Oklahoma City. Like Haley's Comet or a Pixar movie, the much anticipated encounter of Force and Object was projected to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

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