The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Oct 23 2009 issue)

Brown Club-Making Club Off to a Great Start | Oct 23 2009

In a sure sign of the good fortune that awaits it, the Brown Club-Making Club completed one of its major goals this past week-to form the Brown Club-Making Club. At the club's first meeting/press conference, club President and founder Jeff Peterson '10 was demure about his own role.

Bike Lock Stolen; Shitty Bike Left Unharmed | Oct 23 2009

Last Tuesday morning at approximately 1:30 p.m., Jeremy Holdem '12 reported a disturbing incident to the Brown University Emergency Hotline: his bike lock had been stolen, and with it, his soul. "Of all the things they could have taken - my collection of vintage troll dolls, my kidneys, my bike - they stole my bike lock? Those heartless bastards.

Brown Recluse Hides in Closet, Bites Strangers | Oct 23 2009

Frustrated by years of unpopularity, Peter Zinger '12 finally reached his breaking point last Friday evening. Five students fell victim to a series of fatal bites, and Zinger is currently being held in custody by officials at the Urban Environmental Lab.

BSR's Listener Dies | Oct 23 2009

After serving five years as Brown Students Radio's most enthusiastic, loyal, and only fan, Patrick Nilan, a 31-year-old software engineer from Denver, Colorado, and sole listener of BSR, died on Thursday. "Today is a sad day for everyone," wrote BSR director Frank Henderson '10 in an email to the Noser.

Freshman Shocked That No One At Brown Impressed That He Attends Brown | Oct 23 2009

Jamie Graham '13 has consistently tried to impress others by mentioning that he goes to a prestigious New England college. But Graham received a nasty shock when he arrived on college only to find that not a single student was impressed that he went to Brown.

Freshman Tells Room Precisely How Drunk She Is: "Sooooooooooo" | Oct 23 2009

Unprompted by her peers or any other observable stimuli within her immediate vicinity, Ariana Jennings '13 announced last Saturday that she had imbibed copious amounts of alcohol. "OMG you guys," Jennings said loudly to no one in particular. "I am, like, sooooooooooo drunk right now.

Game of "Never Have I Ever" Reveals Student Has "Done A Lot of Kinky Shit" | Oct 23 2009

Residents of West Andrews learned a little too much about their dorm mate last weekend when the classic freshman icebreaker of drunken Never Have I Ever laid bare the dark and twisted sexual history of Alec Shore '13. Said one participant, who asked that his name be withheld, "You always expect a few weird things to come out in Never Have I Ever: maybe the jock has kissed a dude, the shy girl has done anal, stuff like that.

Large Thumbed Friend Texts: Are You Gout? Wanna Comb Over? | Oct 23 2009

Confusion gripped Jolene Bryce '12 this Saturday night when she received a text message from Philip Tezzo '12 reading: "Are you gout? Wanna comb over?" "I was a little insulted at first. I know my hair is thin. He doesn't have to be cruel," said Bryce.

Lock of Ruth Simmons' Hair Auctioned for 500 Flex Points, Pony | Oct 23 2009

A lock of Brown University President Ruth Simmons' hair was auctioned off yesterday for no less than 500 flex points and one pony. The auction was held to raise awareness "about how awesome Ruth is," said wide-eyed Jimmy Gavin '11, who sponsored the event.

Orientation Friend Downgraded From "Hey" to Reluctant Head Nod | Oct 23 2009

In a stunning move, an acquaintance of Kevin Garson '13 from orientation, Dina Russo '13, has ceased verbal contact with him. "I saw her on the line at the V-Dub and she nodded at me like I was nothing," Garson claimed in a tell-all interview last Thursday.

Record Enrollment in HIST1210P: "A Study in Missionary Positions" | Oct 23 2009

The Brown University Registrar was overwhelmed with requests for a class taught in the history department, but much of the students' enthusiasm was misguided. "When I saw there was a course was being offered about sex positions, I was so excited that I accidentally un-popped my collar as my arms shot into the air with joy," said Chad Brinkley '11 of Sigma Chi.

Religious Studies Professor Speaks in Parables, Dies for Sins | Oct 23 2009

Students in visiting Professor Emmanuel Christos' RELS0110:"Introduction to Christianity" have had significant trouble comprehending the professor's veiled lectures. It seems that the confusion has stemmed from Professor Christos' predilection for speaking in parables said to be "harder to piece together than a goddamn jigsaw puzzle.

Sophomore Guy Groping You on Dance Floor Would Probably Find Your Opinions on Faulkner Interesting | Oct 23 2009

Initial reports inidicate that Mark Langley '12, the source of the sweaty, seemingly disembodied hand grabbing your posterior, would be captivated by your opinions about the Southern Gothic and Modernist giant William Faulkner. Witnesses at Delta Tau have verified that Langley, who recently submitted a paper entitled "Faulkner's Women and the Struggle for Individuality" to his Comparative Literature class, danced with an astounding fourteen freshmen girls, all of whom spent less than two minutes in Langley's clutches before shuffling away without making eye contact.

Student Challenges José to Card Flip-Off, Ratty Line Reaches Pawtucket | Oct 23 2009

A lunchtime catastrophe not seen since the infamous 'Eggplant Breakfast Scare of 2004' occurred last Tuesday when George Crinopoli '11, without the slightest provocation, challenged well-known Sharpe Refectory employee José to a card flip-off. According to University folklore, a card flip-off had not previously occurred since the riots of 1853, when Thaddeus Arthur 1856 engaged in combat with John Hay archivist Josiah "Mutton Chops" Cleveland.

Student Determined to Become Cautionary Tale | Oct 23 2009

In an effort to distinguish himself within the horde of freshmen, Nick Lear '13 has decided that simple academic or athletic success is too trivial for him. Instead, Lear aims to achieve his place in Brown University lore by becoming a cautionary tale for years of future students.

Student Runs Out of Meal Credits, Forced to Scavenge Carrion | Oct 23 2009

Things started to go downhill for Zack Baird '12 when he was turned away at the V-Dub. "The cute girl swiping the cards was totally eyefucking me, and then all of a sudden there was a beep and she was like 'I'm sorry, you're out of meal credits.' I tried flex points.

Cake Just an Excuse to Eat Frosting | Oct 23 2009

According to eye-witness reports, Sean Thomas '12 used a spoon to scrape the chocolate frosting off his Vernon-Woolley birthday cake last Friday. Thomas then ravaged the confection of all of its succulent, moist coating without touching a single bite of the spongy cake.

Student Attracts Followers With Mid-Sex Updates | Oct 23 2009

Jessica Bontette '12 has gained a cult following on the social networking site Twitter due to her regular updates during and regarding intercourse. Under the username xo2hot2handlexo, Bontette reveals an inside look into her copulatory adventures and rates the men who partake in relations with her on a 1-10 scale.

Everybody Knows Freshman With Thick Moustache | Oct 23 2009

It's often hard to get noticed as a freshman. You've just left high school, a relatively small and tight-knit community, and moved onto college, where you sometimes feel like just one of many similar fish in a gigantic ocean. However, Mark Robbins '13 never feels this way, because unlike most fish, he sports a voluminous and coarse moustache on his filtrum.

Really Good Listener Actually Just Really Boring | Oct 23 2009

It was early October when Emily Thompson '12 first started to have doubts about the nature of her good friend Alan Marin's finest virtue. Thompson met Marin '12, an economics concentrator, during their freshman year in Keeney. The two were unacquainted until one night when Thompson, having just broken up with her high school boyfriend, stumbled upon Marin in the laundry room.