The nation awoke last Thursday to realize that the calendar years 2000-2012 had all been some sort of communal, anxiety-induced fantasy. From the Supreme Court’s landmark Bush v. Gore decision to the humanitarian crisis in Syria, every moment of the hellish decade melted away into the dream-ether as Americans the country over woke up to sounding alarm clocks and shook off the horrible nightmare.
Guys, I’m really worried. There’s this Swedish class I want to take in the fall, but there are only 999 spots. What if there’s no more room by the time I register?
I’m a rising junior, but there are still 999 seniors who could possibly take this class.
Pamela Armstrong ’12, sitting in her throne made of gold coins and eating her money sandwich, cannot understand in the slightest why you are concerned about being thrown into the cold, unforgiving, gold-plated arms of real life.
“Seriously, don’t be so dramatic about life after college,” she said, lighting a cigar made entirely of dollar bills.
Chaos struck Providence yesterday as longtime public menace Jaws of Death rampaged through downtown, striking fear into the hearts of citizens. This was Jaws’s first attack on the city since an accident last month left him paralyzed from the waist down, but the courageous super-villain insisted that he receive no special treatment.
Although Alan Jenkins ’13 is convinced that he is different from all of his friends because he is a test tube baby, his mother was determined yesterday to let him know that his fragile, 25 mL glass body has nothing to do with it.
“Alan is no different from his friends because my husband and I did not conceive him in a traditional manner,” stated Phoebe Jenkins, “or because we bought him from a chemist.