Pamela Armstrong ’12, sitting in her throne made of gold coins and eating her money sandwich, cannot understand in the slightest why you are concerned about being thrown into the cold, unforgiving, gold-plated arms of real life.
“Seriously, don’t be so dramatic about life after college,” she said, lighting a cigar made entirely of dollar bills.
On Tuesday afternoon, all of Dave Wilson ’15’s family members were engulfed in flames that eventually leveled their house and wiped out years of cherished memories. But several hours later, in a miraculous turn of events, Wilson found a new companion in the otherworldly return of his dog, Rex.
Looking back on what should have been the best four years of his life, Leo Wiley ‘12 realized yesterday that he wasted all his time at college sitting around in a sperm whale’s cavernous stomach.
In a moment of clarity that came too late to be of use, Wiley became aware that he did not attend a single party while he was at Brown, ask a girl to a dance or even take a class.
Less than a month until her departure from the University, President Simmons sent an email Friday at 2:38 a.m. to all students and faculty requesting their invaluable perspectives on what they were up to.
“Dear Members of the Brown Community,” Simmons began, “As we embark together on a new phase in our lives, I hope that you will take advantage of an opportunity to come over to University Hall and watch an episode of “Community” or “House” or whatever if you’re still up.”
The Brown University letterhead was pasted in at an angle halfway through the email.
According to reports from multiple acquaintances, your roommate Craig and the only woman you will ever truly care about are totally going to town on each other.
“Check out Craig and Veronica!” exclaimed your friend Roger as he elbowed you and pointed to your chance at a happy life slipping away.