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Saturday, May 25, 2013
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The Brown Noser

America’s Last 12 Years Revealed To Be Massive, Collective Stress Dream

The nation awoke last Thursday to realize that the calendar years 2000-2012 had all been some sort of communal, anxiety-induced fantasy. From the Supreme Court’s landmark Bush v. Gore decision to the humanitarian crisis in Syria, every moment of the hellish decade melted away into the dream-ether as Americans the country over woke up to sounding alarm clocks and shook off the horrible nightmare.

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What If 999 People Register for Intermediate Swedish Before I Do?

Guys, I’m really worried. There’s this Swedish class I want to take in the fall, but there are only 999 spots. What if there’s no more room by the time I register? I’m a rising junior, but there are still 999 seniors who could possibly take this class.

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Student Eating Money Sandwich Can't Understand Why You're Worried about Graduating

Pamela Armstrong ’12, sitting in her throne made of gold coins and eating her money sandwich, cannot understand in the slightest why you are concerned about being thrown into the cold, unforgiving, gold-plated arms of real life. “Seriously, don’t be so dramatic about life after college,” she said, lighting a cigar made entirely of dollar bills.

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Handicapped Supervillain Can Lift Up This City Bus By Himself, Goddammit

Handicapped Supervillain Can Lift Up This City Bus By Himself, Goddammit

Chaos struck Providence yesterday as longtime public menace Jaws of Death rampaged through downtown, striking fear into the hearts of citizens. This was Jaws’s first attack on the city since an accident last month left him paralyzed from the waist down, but the courageous super-villain insisted that he receive no special treatment.

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Bob Marley Brand Iced Coffee Probably Unsanctioned by Bob Marley

The face of heroic reggae martyr Bob Marley has recently popped up on the labels of a new brand of Jamaican-themed iced coffee bearing the singer’s name.

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Campus Dance Cancelled Due to Lack of Hustle

The Brown University 2012 Campus Dance will be cancelled due to lack of hustle, according to a press release by the University’s administration last Friday.

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Obama Takes On Second Presidency to Make Ends Meet

WASHINGTON—Struggling to jumpstart an economy mired in recession, President Obama promised Tuesday to assume a second presidency until America can get back on its feet.

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