The Brown Noser

Student Eating Money Sandwich Can't Understand Why You're Worried about Graduating | May 09 2012

Pamela Armstrong ’12, sitting in her throne made of gold coins and eating her money sandwich, cannot understand in the slightest why you are concerned about being thrown into the cold, unforgiving, gold-plated arms of real life. “Seriously, don’t be so dramatic about life after college,” she said, lighting a cigar made entirely of dollar bills.

Student Loses Family in Fire, Gains Cool New Ghost Dog | May 09 2012

On Tuesday afternoon, all of Dave Wilson ’15’s family members were engulfed in flames that eventually leveled their house and wiped out years of cherished memories. But several hours later, in a miraculous turn of events, Wilson found a new companion in the otherworldly return of his dog, Rex.

Reflecting on Four Years at College, Senior Realizes He Spent All His Time Trapped in a Whale’s Belly | May 09 2012

Looking back on what should have been the best four years of his life, Leo Wiley ‘12 realized yesterday that he wasted all his time at college sitting around in a sperm whale’s cavernous stomach. In a moment of clarity that came too late to be of use, Wiley became aware that he did not attend a single party while he was at Brown, ask a girl to a dance or even take a class.

Simmons Sends Campus-Wide Booty-Email in Final Year Scramble | May 09 2012

Less than a month until her departure from the University, President Simmons sent an email Friday at 2:38 a.m. to all students and faculty requesting their invaluable perspectives on what they were up to. “Dear Members of the Brown Community,” Simmons began, “As we embark together on a new phase in our lives, I hope that you will take advantage of an opportunity to come over to University Hall and watch an episode of “Community” or “House” or whatever if you’re still up.” The Brown University letterhead was pasted in at an angle halfway through the email.

Your One Shot at Love, Happiness Currently Sticking Her Tongue Inside Your Best Friend Craig | May 09 2012

According to reports from multiple acquaintances, your roommate Craig and the only woman you will ever truly care about are totally going to town on each other. “Check out Craig and Veronica!” exclaimed your friend Roger as he elbowed you and pointed to your chance at a happy life slipping away.

Mathematician Discovers Ovals Actually Just Shitty Circles | May 09 2012

On Monday, University mathematician Dwight Clappard announced his discovery that ovals can simply be defined as shitty circles. This announcement sent shock waves through the mathematical community and put Clappard, who was previously best known for his spot-on impression of Euclid, into the spotlight.

Two Random Middle Schoolers Making Out in Back Row of Lecture | May 09 2012

Reports from the back row of a List Art Center lecture indicate that two middle school-aged kids whom nobody remembers ever seeing before are making out there. Early reports that the middle schoolers were the professor’s children were dismissed when the two started kissing.

Student Apparently Taking Notes on Paper Actually Writing Letter to Friend | May 09 2012

Allison Birch ’13 fooled her professor and classmates in her BIOL0200 lecture yesterday: although she appeared to be studiously writing down Professor Ken Miller’s main points in her notebook, she was actually drafting a personal letter to a friend.

Stranger Rhythmically Smooth-Talks Way into Brown Administration | May 09 2012

Students and faculty alike were surprised by the sudden appointment of a mysterious out-of-towner to the position of Dean of the College. The new dean, known only as “Sam,” was apparently selected due to his charisma, style and an outstanding unplanned interview where he rhythmically spoke to a crowd of several dozen on the Main Green about various unaddressed problems within the current Brown administration.

Student Just Wants Internship Where He Can Work with His Hands, Stack Fish All Day | May 09 2012

In the midst of applying for several summer internships, Alex Rubin ’14 couldn’t help but find himself disillusioned with the internship opportunities he was found. “They all seemed so cold and disconnected from real life,” said Rubin. “I suddenly realized I was craving an internship where I could work with my hands.” He added, “You know, stack fish all day.” According to Rubin, an internship consisting of making coffee for office workers and answering phones would fail to contribute to his growth as a human being.

Man With Book of Insults Stymied By Man With Corresponding Book of Comebacks | May 09 2012

Alan Beahm, who owns a copy of Dell Publishing’s “The Giant Book Of Insults”, saw his uncontested dominance at insults falter on Wednesday afternoon when he encountered George Caulder, a man who carries a copy of Dell’s “The Giant Book Of Comebacks” at all times.

Increased Crime on Campus Adds to Brown’s Street Cred | May 09 2012

With a marked increase in crime rates on campus over the past academic year, Brown University found its street cred back on the rise. “We made a conscious effort to change our priorities,” said President Ruth Simmons. “In this never-ending search for smarts, we neglected our street smarts.” Brown has a long history of misdemeanors, dating all the way back to the University’s namesake, Nicholas “Twenty-to-Life” Brown, Jr.

Fire Safety Officer To Give Brown Candle Club One More Chance | May 09 2012

After several days of talks with University administration and staff, Brown Fire Safety Officer Sheryl Walsh announced that she was willing to give the Brown Candle Club one more chance at not setting a building on fire during one of its functions before forcing them to discontinue activities.

Dude With Two Led Zeppelin T-shirts Deciding How Much Poon He Wants To Score Tonight | May 09 2012

Glancing back and forth between his black ‘Led Zepplin Over Europe 1980’ T-shirt with the glowing wizard and his tie-dye ‘Jimmy Page sitting on a motorcycle’ T-shirt, Matt Giggins struggled to decide whether he would prefer to be swimming or drowning in poonany at Eric’s house party later tonight.

Class Sidetracked for Third Time by Discussion of Ancient Monkey Markets | May 09 2012

For the third time, the members of the section of ECON0100 meeting on Tuesdays and Thursdays at noon found themselves sidetracked by a familiar debate: the availability of monkeys for sale in the ancient world. Although the class usually sat in a stupor throughout TA Tamara Knowles GS’ explanation of the solutions to last week’s problem set, Claire Watkins ’15 stunned the TA with a sudden display of intellectual curiosity when she raised her hand and inquired about how a person in the ancient world, perhaps in Babylon or ancient Rome, might obtain a monkey.

Student Entrepreneurs Release App that Helps Two Specific Students Become Entrepreneurs | May 09 2012

On Tuesday, Darrel Shannon ’13.5 and Lindsay McKeon ’14 released an iPhone app targeted at rising entrepreneurs. Dubbed MoneyNet, the app promises to make entry into the business world a cinch — for Shannon and McKeon but no one else. MoneyNet works by being sold on iTunes for $1, rocketing up the bestseller list and earning Shannon and McKeon lots of money and valuable credentials.

Ripped Guy's Abs Just Taped-On Hotdogs | May 09 2012

A scandal erupted Friday as muscular hunk Ron Johnson ’13’s abs were found to be nothing more than taped-on hotdogs. Students across campus were shocked by this new information. Brad Traupe ’14.5 recalls constantly seeing a shirtless Ron working out at the satellite gyms on campus.

Student Still Looking for Place to Go Abroad Where He Might Be Mistaken for God | May 09 2012

Evan Berman ’14 is working diligently to make sure that his plans to study abroad during the fall 2012 do not fall through. Berman has had difficulty, however, deciding with any finality where he plans to travel because he has yet to find a location where the religious beliefs of the majority of the population are still up for grabs.

Obama Takes On Second Presidency to Make Ends Meet | May 09 2012

WASHINGTON—Struggling to jumpstart an economy mired in recession, President Obama promised Tuesday to assume a second presidency until America can get back on its feet.

Campus Reporter Uses As Many Similes As There Are Grains of Sand on The Beach | May 09 2012

Brown Noser writer Simon Henriques ’15, in an effort to be as poetic as William Shakespeare, has recently taken to filling his articles with as many similes as there are stars in the sky. “I needed that extra something to really make my writing truly special, like coconut shavings on a bowl of ice cream,” he explained.

Introvert So Much Worse Once You Get To Know Him | May 09 2012

Those around shoegazer George Howard ’14 recently reached a collective consensus that the self-affirmed recluse is not worth getting to know. The shy, quiet student offers no unique perspectives, refuses to maintain eye contact and adds little in the way of critical or incisive thought.

Bob Marley Brand Iced Coffee Probably Unsanctioned by Bob Marley | May 09 2012

The face of heroic reggae martyr Bob Marley has recently popped up on the labels of a new brand of Jamaican-themed iced coffee bearing the singer’s name.

Brother From Another Mother Reconnects With Half Brother's Other Mother | May 09 2012

In a rare display of familial harmony, Providence native and recognized brother-from-another-mother Tom Chen reconnected with long-lost relative and other mother to Chen’s half-brother Jason Quincy. Chen and Mrs. Quentin met by chance at a local softball tournament, where several sisters-from-other-misters were also in attendance, cheering on various people they were not related to but who shared with them a common interest or location.

Sophomore's Friends Watch Him Sleep Every Night in Practical Joke of Some Kind | May 09 2012

On night 23 of a prank that has captured the imagination of the campus, some four dozen of Ronald Braverman ’14’s closest friends, acquaintances and admirers crowded outside his first-floor Grad Center single, settling in for another eight-hour pranking.

Student On Day Seven of Ratty Challenge After Dying in Back Cave One Week Earlier | May 09 2012

Economics concentrator Douglas Smith ’14 is on day seven of the Ratty challenge after having died on day one of his adventure. Douglas set out to complete the Ratty Challenge last Saturday and did so, surpassing his goal after choking on his bacon-cheese omelet.

Campus Life (May 09 2012 issue)