Sipping a glass of Soylent meal replacement beverage, San Francisco venture capitalist Roger Wilkins told reporters he likes to think of his children as start-ups.
“Brian was my first venture, and I really think I learned a lot from him,” said Wilkins, referring to his 26-year-old son who currently works as a social media marketer for an advertisement agency.
Joseph Ito, owner of the conveyor belt sushi restaurant Majikku, says he has no idea where all of the sushi actually comes from.
“One day the sushi just started coming out,” said Ito, his eyes wide with awe as he watched a spicy tuna roll pass by.
Saying that the 30-second spot for Skittles was pretty neat, local mom Jan Hemsley mentioned to her children that she liked this commercial.
“This commercial is kind of nice,” said Hemsley, pointing out her approval to her son. “I thought the part at the end was pretty funny.”
In the advertisement, a man in an office touches another man on the shoulder and he collapses into a pile of Skittles.
Raising his hand to defend the gender wage-gap, David Bloch ’17, thought of by his classmates as a bit of an asshole, is in fact Satan, the Lord of Darkness. The Devil has reportedly been living as Bloch and arguing on behalf of himself for many years.
Sources confirm that Noah Crowan ’18 only bonds with his professors by failing their classes.
“I want to connect with all my students,” said Professor of History Carla Clank. “Noah gets wonderfully close to me through sporadic emails begging for extensions on papers that he never ends up turning in.”
“Noah has a lot going on lately," said Professor of Modern Culture and Media Darnell Smith with a sigh.