The Brown Noser

Father Disturbed By How Good His Son Is At Hunting | Dec 04 2015

Admitting his surprise that the expedition was spent successfully killing animals rather than just crouching in bushes, area father Greg Matchers came home on Tuesday deeply disturbed by his son’s natural hunting talent. “I was hoping we’d get one deer on the last day, but that was a serious underestimation of Luke’s ability,” Matchers said in disbelief as he recounted how comfortable his son’s finger sat on the rifle trigger.

Report: Only 15 Percent Of White House Interns End Up Being President | Dec 04 2015

Calling their findings “bewildering,” a team of researchers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics released a report Monday finding that a mere 15.2 percent of college students who complete summer internships at the White House go on to become President of the United States at some future point.

Woman In Convertible Enjoying Scenic View Of Her Own Hair | Dec 04 2015

Abbey DeMaggio was pleasantly surprised during a joy ride in her new convertible Saturday when she was blessed with a scenic view of her own hair. “It was everywhere…in my mouth, in my nose, in my eyes," said DeMaggio as the wind was reported to have whipped around the windshield of the vehicle, blowing her long, blonde hair all over the place.

Theater Kid Never Not Harmonizing | Dec 04 2015

Currently sitting cross-legged outside the theater of Alexander Hamilton High School, theater kid Jeremy Clifford is never not singing in harmony to whatever noise is happening around him. Sources report that, whether he’s surrounded by a group of friends singing the harmony to “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables or sitting in an algebra test controlling his pitch to complement the quiet rustling of pencils on paper, Clifford exists in a constant state of singing a high-pitched tone that turns whatever sound is going on around him into a full major chord.

Tearstained Love Letter Really Hard To Read | Dec 04 2015

Area teen Gracie Werthers revealed she is having a lot trouble reading the love letter written to her by her longterm boyfriend Nathan Stitson because it is covered in tear stains. “It is totally gross. The paper is all wrinkly and I can barely read it from his crying all over it.

Study Shows One-Night-Stands More Fulfilling If You Fall In Love, Get Married, Conceive Children Within That Night | Dec 04 2015

A new study from the University of Illinois indicates that the loneliness and depression resulting from a one night stand can be avoided if you fall in love, get married, and produce children within that night. “There is a lot of evidence out there to suggest that if a pair of sloppy drunken revelers can kindle a love, exchange marriage vows, and produce multiple children, all in one night, that will mitigate the sense of regret that comes with brief sexual encounters,” says Maria Drudger, the lead researcher.

Soft Rock Star Leaves Hotel Room A Little Messy | Dec 04 2015

Sources at a Flint, Michigan Holiday Inn confirmed that Gordon Hoffman, rhythm guitarist of the soft rock band Blush Haven, left his hotel room a little messy after a one-night stay on tour. Promoting Blush Haven’s new EP, Smile Under The Rug, Hoffman brought two or three sober fans back to his hotel room after a show and ended up moving some furniture around and leaving a bit of clutter.

Skilled Politician Can Shake Hundreds Of Hands A Minute | Dec 04 2015

Sources report that local city councilman Seth Yurdin can shake hundreds of hands per minute, a feat that has helped him become one of the most popularly elected officials in Providence history. Although Yurdin has failed to distinguish himself on any particular policy issues, his capacity to enthrall crowds with his incredibly efficient handshaking is unmatched.

School Bus Driver Wishes He Could Sit In Back With Cool Kids | Dec 04 2015

Gazing yearningly in the rear view mirror of his school bus, long-time bus driver Greg Fein stated his wish to sit in back with all the cool kids. “Brayden and Alex always hang out back there,” said Fein, adding that he can usually see the brim of Alex’s baseball cap poking up over the very last seat in the bus.

Sadistic Line Leader Won't Stop Walking | Dec 04 2015

After being chosen as class line leader, Becky Tolman appeared to take a sadistic pleasure in forcing her classmates to walk for longer than could be considered reasonable. Tolman reportedly led her third-grade classmates on a grueling, three-hour-long march around the Laketown Elementary School campus.

News Anchor’s Catchphrase Just Him Choking On Water | Dec 04 2015

After taking a sip from his mug and looking at the teleprompter for his next line, anchorman Brett McDune ended Warwick’s evening news program by choking on water. This marks the ninth consecutive broadcast in which he’s signed off by choking on and spitting out a small amount of water.

Man Can't Shake The Feeling He's Following Someone | Dec 04 2015

Picking up his pace and growing gradually more suspicious, Lenny Priest can’t shake the feeling he’s following someone. Priest, who has been walking behind the same man for several blocks, says he has grown increasingly worried that he is tailing this person on purpose and that he intends to harm him.

Late Night Host Keeps Falling Asleep During His Show | Dec 04 2015

Yawning mightily and allowing his head to dip slightly forward, James Corden, host of “The Late Late Show” on CBS, let himself drift off to sleep on air again, a problem that has been plaguing the variety show host almost every night since his program premiered in March.

Judge Always Using Gavel To Fix Things Around The Courtroom | Dec 04 2015

On his hands and knees to fix a little wobble in the lectern, the Honorable Judge Jon Coates is always using his gavel to fix things around the courtroom, sources confirm. “It’s sort of like a hammer,” said Coates, using his court robe sleeve to wipe sweat off his forehead after a long day of leveling the jury box using only the small wooden mallet.

Jeb Bush Polling Poorly Among New Hampshire's Hispanic Voter | Dec 04 2015

The results of a New Hampshire poll released Monday suggested that Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is currently faring poorly among Timothy Rodriguez, 35, the state’s Hispanic voter. The news has prompted political analysts nationwide to question Bush’s footing in the primaries, especially because Rodriguez’s status as the only Hispanic voter in the critical early-primary state means that the meaning of his vote will be extrapolated to represent an entire demographic.

High School Seniors Make Pact To Lose Virginity Before They're Selected As Virgin Sacrifices | Dec 04 2015

Saying they don’t want to die because they’re virgins, a group of high school seniors made a pact Thursday to have sex before they end up as virgin boy sacrifices to the omnipotent Mother Zanzadu. “Listen up, gentlemen,” said Clarke Dietz, a charismatic seventeen-year-old eligible for sacrifice every time there’s a full moon because he’s still a virgin.

Gravedigger Accidentally Buries Self Alive Again | Dec 04 2015

Frantically digging upwards through the dirt with his hands and saying he feels like an absolute fool, gravedigger Solomon Dietz accidentally buried himself alive again. “Oh no,” said Dietz, trying not to inhale too much of the dirt he spent nearly an hour piling on top of himself before he realized he was trapped.

Fuck It, Opera Idaho Announces Another Season | Dec 04 2015

Speaking at a press conference Thursday in the lobby of Boise’s Egyptian Theatre, Opera Idaho’s board of trustees announced that, fuck it, they plan to go ahead and do another season. The board announced that, despite dwindling state-allocated arts funding and record low attendance rate, the semi-professional nonprofit company will continue to produce full-scale operatic productions in Boise and the surrounding area.

Everyone In Family Has Secret Family On The Side | Dec 04 2015

Every member of the Chicago-based Melkin household has an entire other family that they’re keeping secret, a recently published report reveals. Kenneth Melkin, 48, was seen kissing his wife Anna goodbye as he stepped out the door for a “business trip” to Colorado, the excuse he was using to drop off a secret anniversary present to the Aspen businesswoman he’d impregnated after a post-conference mixer and proceeded to visit and live with every week.

Every Animal In Zoo Clearly Taxidermed | Dec 04 2015

Noting the overwhelming scent of formaldehyde, visitors at the new Westview Park Zoo reported that every animal in the zoo is clearly taxidermied. “I’m sure all of the animals are just stuffed,” said Meryl Pena, standing by the African plains exhibit.

Elvis Presley’s Guitar Auctioned Off To Museum For Lots Of $$$ | Dec 04 2015

A guitar once used by Elvis Presley was sold on Monday at a Sotheby’s auction for an obscene amount of $$$, sources report. The guitar was purchased by a private buyer who will donate it to be housed @ the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland.

Disgraced Silent Film Star Revealed To Have Been Talking Really, Really Quietly | Dec 04 2015

In what has been dubbed “a Hollywood scandal for the ages,” silent film star Lena Archwood was revealed Monday to actually have been talking really, really quietly the whole time. “This goes against everything I’ve learned from watching silent films!” said area man Jimmy Nicketts, adding that he was disappointed to find out, upon turning up the volume all the way, that Archwood was not quite as silent as she pretended to be.

Dad Trades New Phone For Older Phone | Dec 04 2015

Touting its slower processor and lower resolution screen, local father of two Henry Parr extolled the virtues of his refurbished Motorolo Droid X, a five-year-old smartphone for which he traded his Samsung Galaxy 5. “It’s touch sensitive, so that means you touch it and it responds,” bragged Parr, describing something that applies to all smartphones, including the more receptive device he traded in.

Butterflies And Moths Must Absolutely Hate Each Other | Dec 04 2015

Citing slight but significant differences that probably place the two winged insect classes at constant odds, sources report that butterflies and moths must absolutely hate each other’s guts. “They definitely hate each other,” said butterfly sanctuary patron Duane James as a butterfly landed delicately on his arm.

All Of Richard Dawkins's Friends Expecting Another Copy Of "The God Delusion" This Christmas | Dec 04 2015

In what they refer to as a yearly tradition, all of biologist and writer Richard Dawkins’s friends and family members are reportedly expecting to receive another copy of his 2006 book “The God Delusion” for Christmas this year. Dawkins reportedly wraps up new copies of the book, which argues the logical case for atheism, and ships them across the country to his friends and family every holiday season.

"Polo!" Shouts Crazed Man Swimming By Himself In Middle Of The Ocean | Dec 04 2015

Coming up for air with a huge smile on his face, exuberant man Sherman Manlo shouted “Polo!” in response to absolutely no one while swimming alone in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, sources confirm. “Polo!” shouted Manlo for the 10,000th time since intentionally jumping off of a commercial cruise ship and beginning to play this euphoric game of Marco Polo by himself.

Off Campus (Dec 04 2015 issue)