The Brown Noser

Student From California Excited To See First SnowBeast | Dec 04 2015

Looking forward to finding out what winter is really like, Los Angeles native Richard Tully ‘19 expressed excitement at the prospect of seeing his first ever SnowBeast, one of the towering, 45-foot tall snow monsters that prowl the northern latitudes.

Venture Capitalist Likes To Think Of His Children as Start-Ups | Dec 04 2015

Sipping a glass of Soylent meal replacement beverage, San Francisco venture capitalist Roger Wilkins told reporters he likes to think of his children as start-ups. “Brian was my first venture, and I really think I learned a lot from him,” said Wilkins, referring to his 26-year-old son who currently works as a social media marketer for an advertisement agency.

Owner Of Conveyor Belt Sushi Restaurant Has No Idea Where The Sushi Comes From | Dec 04 2015

Joseph Ito, owner of the conveyor belt sushi restaurant Majikku, says he has no idea where all of the sushi actually comes from. “One day the sushi just started coming out,” said Ito, his eyes wide with awe as he watched a spicy tuna roll pass by.

Mom Likes This Commercial | Dec 04 2015

Saying that the 30-second spot for Skittles was pretty neat, local mom Jan Hemsley mentioned to her children that she liked this commercial. “This commercial is kind of nice,” said Hemsley, pointing out her approval to her son. “I thought the part at the end was pretty funny.” In the advertisement, a man in an office touches another man on the shoulder and he collapses into a pile of Skittles.

Student Playing Devil's Advocate In Class Actually The Devil | Dec 04 2015

Raising his hand to defend the gender wage-gap, David Bloch ’17, thought of by his classmates as a bit of an asshole, is in fact Satan, the Lord of Darkness. The Devil has reportedly been living as Bloch and arguing on behalf of himself for many years.

Student Only Bonds With Professors By Failing Their Classes | Dec 04 2015

Sources confirm that Noah Crowan ’18 only bonds with his professors by failing their classes. “I want to connect with all my students,” said Professor of History Carla Clank. “Noah gets wonderfully close to me through sporadic emails begging for extensions on papers that he never ends up turning in.” “Noah has a lot going on lately," said Professor of Modern Culture and Media Darnell Smith with a sigh.

Student Only Attending Republican Debate Watch Party To Try And Get Laid | Dec 04 2015

Running a hand through his hair and leaning casually against the fold-out table, Charlie Hayward ’16 is clearly only attending the fifth Republican Debate to try and hook up with somebody. Hayward has appeared more interested in flirting shamelessly than snarkily criticizing the Republican candidates for president.

Senior Wishes Freshmen In Classes Wouldn't Participate Until They've Watched A Man Die | Dec 04 2015

Sighing with exasperation, Dan Moritz ’16 explained that he wishes the freshmen in his classes wouldn’t speak until they’ve watched a man die. Citing their overeager participation and lack of self-awareness, Moritz encourages his younger classmates to talk less and listen more to the wisdom of older classmates who have experienced death firsthand.

Struggling Dentist Industry Recommends At Least Two Dentist Appointments Per Day | Dec 04 2015

Trying to appear unworried despite bleak market predictions, National Dental Association spokesman Malik Henderson recommended every American visit the dentist at least twice per day. “Oral hygiene is incredibly important, a fact that many Americans seem to have forgotten,” said Henderson, pointing a shaking hand at a chart indicating American dentist visits are declining at a rapid rate.

Retiring Provost Still Has No Idea What Provosts Do | Dec 04 2015

In his official announcement of retirement following a prestigious 14-year career, esteemed Provost Henry Richardson admitted to having absolutely no clue as to what a provost actually does. “While it has truly been an honor to work at a university as prestigious as Brown, I must admit I still do not have the slightest idea of what a provost is supposed to be doing,” Richardson wrote in his farewell address, clearly surprised he had made it so far with no insight into what purpose his job served.

Career Counselor Recommends Everyone Become Career Counselor | Dec 04 2015

Local career counselor Janet Spencer reportedly advises every student that they should become a career counselor like her. “It’s a tough job market out there,” said Spencer, handing her advisee a pamphlet depicting a career counselor handing a student a pamphlet.

Paxson Loses Entire Endowment In Email Scam | Dec 04 2015

In an email sent out to the entire student body, University President Christina Paxson announced that she had accidentally given away Brown’s entire $3.3 billion investment in an email phishing scam. Paxson reportedly thought the money would help a traveler stranded in London get home to the United States, at which point they would repay the University tenfold.

Dining Hall Athlete Eating Chicken Like A Lusty King | Dec 04 2015

Reports confirmed on Tuesday that Mike Ottenberg, captain of the Brown crew team, was eating chicken in the dining hall like a lusty king. “More meat!” yelled Ottenberg as he slapped the backs of his fellow crewmates, who answered with brotherly guffaws.

Everyone In Pamphlet About STIs Very Good Looking | Dec 04 2015

Reports confirmed Wednesday that everyone featured in a free pamphlet on sexually transmitted infections appeared to be very good-looking. Chelsea Snippet, who was reading the pamphlet during freshman orientation, says she was surprised by the above-average appearance of the infected humans pictured.

Generous Neighbor Playing Music For Entire Floor | Dec 04 2015

Residents of fourth floor Morriss Hall were very grateful Tuesday when hallmate Alex Brennamen ’19 played music loud enough to be heard from every corner of the freshman dorm. Residents of the unit met the freshman’s generosity with widespread appreciation.

Campus Life (Dec 04 2015 issue)