Following the thousands of Fourth of July celebrations that took place this Wednesday, fireworks across the nation reported that they really wish you would stop staring at them. “Come on, have some decency people,” the fireworks bashfully complained after a busy Independence Day.
Blue State customers report that a new terrifying barista has been writing “You Will Die Tonight” in foam on top of their lattes.
“When I look down at my latte and the barista has drawn a nice heart or leaf in the foam, it’s a little treat,” said customer Hannah Gates.
Local man Doug Baldwin reported this afternoon that he definitely got a little bit of wrapper in that bite, yep. Sinking his teeth into a pretty sizable turkey club, Baldwin for sure caught a little of the foil wrapping. He was going for the crust of the sandwich but just, ya know, accidentally got some wrapper in there too.
Explaining that he quickly denied his feelings and tried to think about other things, sources report that the slight feelings of attraction junior Jake Evett felt for another man were no match for years of internalized homophobia.
“That’s not right,” said Evett, who grew up in a socially conservative household, as he began to feel a desire to be physically close to another male student.
After investigating a series of murders, police report that the serial killer they are chasing is lazy and doesn’t even have a cool pattern.
“The murders are seemingly random and without a clear motive,” said Chief Detective Mashall Phillips.
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