Honey, I know you probably aren’t even thinking about this yet, but I want to let you know that you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince Charming! I know, I know, you think Aunt Margaret and Uncle Todd have been married forever, but let me tell you, it wasn’t always like this! I met a few other boys in my day.
Hey, I actually have to cancel on tonight, sorry. I’ve got to walk around campus letting freshmen know that they’re totally behind in the social scene. Like, totally and completely behind. I mean, someone’s got to tell them that if they don’t have a 15+ person friend group by the end of Orientation, they might as well give up on “the college experience.”
Yeah, skulking towards them across the Main Green is the plan for the night.
Good morning! I’m really happy you wanted to meet with me. It’s great to see such initiative! And I hope you know I’m here to help with absolutely anything.
So I see you’re wondering if a history course will fulfill your concentration requirement.
Why, hello there! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Marissa Jennings, and I’m a part of the incredibly fulfilling Senior Class Gift Committee. Oh! You wonder what that is? Let me hashtag explain it to you. We are a lit group of so many cool people who all share one marvelous thing in common – a love for the Senior Class Gift.
POINT:
Ouch! What the hell? Oh, guess I’m dead now. At least I made it to bird heaven. I wonder if any other birds—no, that’s stupid. I bet every other bird here died from more normal causes, like a cat or that invisible wall on the big buildings that kills you instantly.
I’ve been doing this show for a while. After many years and many potential fathers and children, you can kind of tell who’s gonna be the father and who isn’t. But it doesn’t take an expert to know that this kid ain’t yours. Anybody could’ve told you that, I’m surprised the doorman didn’t.
You fools! You laugh at me now, but when the mighty floodwaters crash down upon us to cleanse the world of its wretched sin, I will be hoisted to the surface by my floaties! But the rest of you, skeptics, nonbelievers, and those who ridicule me ceaselessly for my fashion, you’ll all be damned! Damned to a fate of treading water for a few hours until you can tread no longer, all the while being jealous of my floaties.