The Brown Noser

Opinion (Sep 27 2024 issue)

You Have To Kiss A Few Frogs To Find Your Prince! by Your Aunt, Who Clearly Has No Idea That None Of The Frogs Here Want To Be Exclusive And Are Probably Kissing Ten Other Princesses | Sep 27 2024

Honey, I know you probably aren’t even thinking about this yet, but I want to let you know that you have to kiss a few frogs to find your Prince Charming! I know, I know, you think Aunt Margaret and Uncle Todd have been married forever, but let me tell you, it wasn’t always like this! I met a few other boys in my day.

Sorry, I Can’t Hang Tonight. I Have To Walk Around Telling Freshman That If They Don’t Have A Friend Group By Now, Their Life Is Over. by William Roberts | Sep 27 2024

Hey, I actually have to cancel on tonight, sorry. I’ve got to walk around campus letting freshmen know that they’re totally behind in the social scene. Like, totally and completely behind. I mean, someone’s got to tell them that if they don’t have a 15+ person friend group by the end of Orientation, they might as well give up on “the college experience.” Yeah, skulking towards them across the Main Green is the plan for the night.

I Think That’s Something You’re Gonna Have To Look Inside Yourself And Answer, by Your Advisor | Sep 27 2024

Good morning! I’m really happy you wanted to meet with me. It’s great to see such initiative! And I hope you know I’m here to help with absolutely anything. So I see you’re wondering if a history course will fulfill your concentration requirement.

Hey Cool Kid! Listen, I Think You Could Really Benefit From A Super Impressive Leadership Position. by Marissa Jennings, Senior Class Gift Committee Officer | Sep 27 2024

Why, hello there! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Marissa Jennings, and I’m a part of the incredibly fulfilling Senior Class Gift Committee. Oh! You wonder what that is? Let me hashtag explain it to you. We are a lit group of so many cool people who all share one marvelous thing in common – a love for the Senior Class Gift.

POINT: I Must Be The Only One In Bird Heaven To Get Killed By That Stone by Bird / COUNTERPOINT: Dude, You’re Not Gonna Believe This by Second Bird | Sep 27 2024

POINT: Ouch! What the hell? Oh, guess I’m dead now. At least I made it to bird heaven. I wonder if any other birds—no, that’s stupid. I bet every other bird here died from more normal causes, like a cat or that invisible wall on the big buildings that kills you instantly.

There’s No Way You Thought This Kid Was Yours by Maury Povich | Sep 27 2024

I’ve been doing this show for a while. After many years and many potential fathers and children, you can kind of tell who’s gonna be the father and who isn’t. But it doesn’t take an expert to know that this kid ain’t yours. Anybody could’ve told you that, I’m surprised the doorman didn’t.

We’ll See Who’s Laughing When The Great Floodgates Burst Forth And Submerge All The Lands by Man Who Never Takes Off Pool Floaties | Sep 27 2024

You fools! You laugh at me now, but when the mighty floodwaters crash down upon us to cleanse the world of its wretched sin, I will be hoisted to the surface by my floaties! But the rest of you, skeptics, nonbelievers, and those who ridicule me ceaselessly for my fashion, you’ll all be damned! Damned to a fate of treading water for a few hours until you can tread no longer, all the while being jealous of my floaties.