Tuesday, November 24, 2020
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Cassidy Kornfeld

Writer

Cassidy's articles

Report: Parents Somehow Still Married? | Sep 25 2020

To everyone’s surprise, area teenagers Jessie and Luke Strumford’s parents are still very much together. “For a while I was really sad that my parents’ marriage wasn’t going to work,” Jessie explained. “But now I’m just confused. Like this really doesn’t make any sense.

It’s Really Not Even Cold Out by Your Roommate From Boston | Dec 06 2019

Guys, come on, it’s really not even cold out. I know it’s no longer summer or even fall, but trust me, this isn’t real cold. Not like what we have in Boston. Come January, I might wear a hat every now and then, but THIS! This is nothing. There are always a couple of days a year when I’m like, yeah, it’s pretty cold out, let’s stay inside or bundle up.

Report: Biden Campaign Financed Almost Entirely By Crest Whitestrips | Dec 06 2019

According to a recent campaign donor report, Joe Biden's presidential campaign is almost entirely financed by Crest Whitestrips. "Joe's teeth are so white that Crest is practically bankrolling our campaign at this point," admitted Greg Schultz, Biden's campaign manager.

Fourth Grader Spends 30 Minutes Choosing Word Art Title For Paragraph-Long Book Report | Oct 25 2019

After spending 20 minutes writing her one-paragraph final book report for Frindle, local fourth grader Stacey Jacobs spent 30 minutes picking out the perfect word art font for her title. “I experimented with a lot of different options, but I finally decided on this rainbow curvy font,” Jacobs said, testing out what the title looked like in all caps.

Area Woman Not Friendly, Just Flirting | Sep 13 2019

Area woman Michelle Ryder reported that she is not actually friendly. She was just flirting. “The assumption that I’m being friendly just for the sake of being a nice person is really exhausting,” Ryder added. “I wish people would realize that I’m just trying to get laid.” Ryder further explained that this is not a new problem.

Chef In Movie Doing A Lot Of Pizza Tossing, Not A Lot Of Pizza Cooking | Apr 19 2019

According to local theater-goer Janet Stevens, the pizza chef in a recent movie was doing a lot of pizza tossing but not a lot of pizza cooking. “I don’t think I ever saw him put any sauce or toppings on the pizzas,” Stevens said, recalling the film’s pizzeria scenes.

Kid in Back of Lecture Straight Up Working on Oil Painting | Mar 08 2019

Looking up from his notes to watch his classmate blend paint, junior Adam Smalls reported that the girl sitting next to him in the back of the lecture hall is straight up working on an oil painting instead of paying attention. “It’s not uncommon to see kids doing other work or scrolling through Facebook during class,” Smalls said, engrossed in the artist’s handiwork.

New "by HANK." Restaurant Set to Open on Thayer With All Red Meat Menu | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that a new “by HANK.” restaurant is set to open on Thayer in the coming months, offering an all red meat menu. “by HANK. is going to be great for people with specialty diets," said owner Joe Stewart. "Specifically, diets that restrict them to eating red meat and red meat only.” “We’re going to have a pretty comprehensive menu,” Stewart added.

"Tonight Is Going To Be Wild,” Says Freshman Who Will Just End Up Getting Drunk In Keeney Basement And Heading To Jo's | Dec 07 2018

Unaware that he was about to spend his Friday night getting buzzed in the basement of Keeney and dejectedly heading to Jo’s, freshman David Walter excitedly reported that he is going to go wild tonight. “We’re going to hit the track and football houses and then head downtown to the Colosseum later on,” Walter reported, unaware that he would be fast asleep by 12:30.