In accordance with the University’s recommendations, area first year David Sweeting is developing a pod with the 5-7 people closest to him in line for the Ratty.
“Forming my pod is not a decision I take lightly,” said Sweeting, inching towards the guy spaced six feet in front of him and preparing to strike up a conversation.
Sources report that sophomore Darrell Michaelson has been spending days alone in his Omni Hotel room like a doomed character in a 1940s film noir.
“It’s tough being cooped up in this room by myself,” said Michaelson, weathering another day living like a middle-aged furniture salesman in a classic Hollywood crime flick who has been forced into hiding due to unpaid debts.
As the University continues to encounter stumbling blocks in its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, President Christina Paxson abandoned previous calls for maintaining community and encouraged students to become fierce lone wolves.
“In light of the difficult circumstances we face, I urge you to sever your ties to your peers and fight for your lives,” Paxson said in a video message to the student body on Wednesday.
Sources report that area man Joel Kimmelman’s pod consists of just his roommates, friends, friends’ roommates, roommates’ friends, and roommates’ friends’ friends.
“I really only hang out with people in my pod,” said Kimmelman, a junior living off-campus, describing the wide range of social contacts that he deems are consistent with COVID-19 public health guidance.
After his professor was suddenly disconnected from a Zoom seminar, the automatically selected new host of the call Charles Goodwin ’21 was quickly recognized as the new alpha of the group by the rest of his class.
“When the professor left and I was made host, I guess I kinda became in charge,” Goodwin said, as if his classmates had initiated primal submissive behaviors to show deference to their new pack leader.