Making good on his campaign promise, President Joe Biden has reportedly reinserted the soul into America during a painful, 8-hour laparoscopic surgery. “No one expected this to be an easy procedure,” said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who assisted with the laparoscopy.
In accordance with the University’s recommendations, area first year David Sweeting is developing a pod with the 5-7 people closest to him in line for the Ratty.
“Forming my pod is not a decision I take lightly,” said Sweeting, inching towards the guy spaced six feet in front of him and preparing to strike up a conversation.
As the pandemic marks its first anniversary, reports from around the world are notifying professors, email marketers, TV advertisers, and political leaders that these circumstances are basically precedented by now. “Every ad I see keeps saying ‘In these uncertain times’ and I’m tired of it,” said area man Garth McNabb, who is pretty much used to the referenced circumstances by now, be it attending the wedding of his best friend via Zoom or working 8-hour workdays from his bedroom.
Sources report that sophomore Darrell Michaelson has been spending days alone in his Omni Hotel room like a doomed character in a 1940s film noir.
“It’s tough being cooped up in this room by myself,” said Michaelson, weathering another day living like a middle-aged furniture salesman in a classic Hollywood crime flick who has been forced into hiding due to unpaid debts.
As the University continues to encounter stumbling blocks in its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, President Christina Paxson abandoned previous calls for maintaining community and encouraged students to become fierce lone wolves.
“In light of the difficult circumstances we face, I urge you to sever your ties to your peers and fight for your lives,” Paxson said in a video message to the student body on Wednesday.