The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Feb 05 2021 issue)

COVID Concerns Force University To House Excess Students In Golden Sky Castle | Feb 05 2021

Citing a need to provide all students with a single dorm room amid the COVID-19 pandemic, the University announced that it has had no choice but to lease additional student housing in the golden castle floating high in the sky above Providence. “To make sure we could bring as many students back to Providence as possible this semester, we’ve housed hundreds of students in a crystal palace with gold-plated walls built atop the clouds,” explained Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, emphasizing that this shining citadel towering within the firmament was the most affordable off-campus housing solution available in the greater Providence area.

Joe Biden Reinserts Soul Into America In Painful 8-Hour Laparoscopic Surgery | Feb 05 2021

Making good on his campaign promise, President Joe Biden has reportedly reinserted the soul into America during a painful, 8-hour laparoscopic surgery. “No one expected this to be an easy procedure,” said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who assisted with the laparoscopy.

Area First-Year Developing Pod Of 5-7 People Closest To Him In Ratty Line | Feb 05 2021

In accordance with the University’s recommendations, area first year David Sweeting is developing a pod with the 5-7 people closest to him in line for the Ratty. “Forming my pod is not a decision I take lightly,” said Sweeting, inching towards the guy spaced six feet in front of him and preparing to strike up a conversation.

Circumstances Pretty Much Precedented By Now | Feb 05 2021

As the pandemic marks its first anniversary, reports from around the world are notifying professors, email marketers, TV advertisers, and political leaders that these circumstances are basically precedented by now. “Every ad I see keeps saying ‘In these uncertain times’ and I’m tired of it,” said area man Garth McNabb, who is pretty much used to the referenced circumstances by now, be it attending the wedding of his best friend via Zoom or working 8-hour workdays from his bedroom.

Student Spending Days Alone In Hotel Room Like Doomed Character In '40s Noir | Feb 05 2021

Sources report that sophomore Darrell Michaelson has been spending days alone in his Omni Hotel room like a doomed character in a 1940s film noir. “It’s tough being cooped up in this room by myself,” said Michaelson, weathering another day living like a middle-aged furniture salesman in a classic Hollywood crime flick who has been forced into hiding due to unpaid debts.

Abandoning Calls For Community, Paxson Encourages Students To Become Fierce Lone Wolves | Feb 05 2021

As the University continues to encounter stumbling blocks in its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, President Christina Paxson abandoned previous calls for maintaining community and encouraged students to become fierce lone wolves. “In light of the difficult circumstances we face, I urge you to sever your ties to your peers and fight for your lives,” Paxson said in a video message to the student body on Wednesday.

Local Business’s Online Shop Minimalist Hellscape Powered by Squarespace | Feb 05 2021

According to recent user Yasmin Perogotta, the new online shop for Mrs. Bumblebee’s Country Store is a minimalist hellscape powered by Squarespace. “I love the hominess of the cluttered wooden shelves and pattered carpets whenever I shopped at Mrs.

Biden Pledges To Heal Nation With At Least One New Iraq War-Level Foreign Conflict | Feb 05 2021

In a statement from the Oval Office Wednesday, newly inaugurated President Joe Biden called for at least one new Iraq War-level conflict to heal the nation “Now is the time for us to heal as a nation, to see one another as people again,” Biden said in a televised address to the country, wearing a purple necktie as a symbol of bipartisanship.

Jill Biden Ends Melania’s Embarrassing “Be Best” Initiative, Recommences Cyberbullying Children | Feb 05 2021

First Lady Jill Biden will reportedly end Melania Trump’s embarrassing “Be Best” anti-bullying initiative and begin cyberbullying children again. “In every way possible, we’re trying to put the last four years behind us,” said the First Lady’s press secretary, Michael LaRosa.

“It’s Time To Return To Normalcy,” Threatens Biden | Feb 05 2021

In a recent address to a divided nation, President Biden threatened a return to the normal state of things. “The events of the last four years do not demonstrate who we are as a nation; let’s get back to who we are,” Biden threatened with malicious grin while punching his fist into his open palm like a schoolyard bully taunting terrified kids at recess.

Thousands Of New Year's Resolutions To Not Violently Storm Capitol Instantly Broken | Feb 05 2021

As the new year settled in last month, thousands of New Year’s resolutions to not violently storm the Capitol were instantly broken. “I really came into this year hoping to debut the new me,” said Seamus Beardsman, who had just returned from storming the Capitol.

Horny Climatologists Warn Florida Will Soon Be Under 6 Feet Of Hunk | Feb 05 2021

Sensually licking their lips at a UN press conference last week, a group of horned-up climatologists warned that Florida will soon be demolished by six feet of total hunk. “At this point it’s clear that if we don’t change our naughty ways, we might be powerless against 6 feet of sheer man-meat,” explained lusty climate scientist Dr.

First-Year Looking To Foster Diverse Community Of Civil War Allies | Feb 05 2021

Diving eagerly into her first semester at Brown, Katie Welsher ’24 reported that she is looking to foster a diverse community of civil war allies. “One of the reasons I came to Brown was for its diverse study body,” said Welsher, explaining her eagerness to form a robust pack of guerilla warriors in anticipation of the second American Civil War.

Democrats Storm Capitol Armed With Military-Grade Thinkpieces And Explosively Worded Instagram Stories | Feb 05 2021

In response to January’s attack on the Capitol by a mob of Trump supporters, Democrats have stormed Washington D.C. armed with military-grade thinkpieces and explosively worded Instagram stories. “Enough is enough,” said Andrea Cooper, leading the respectfully organized procession of Democrats towards the Capitol steps.

Concerned Centrist Calls For Unity Between Democratic Party And Antidemocratic Party | Feb 05 2021

Expressing deep concern over divisive behavior on both ends of the political spectrum, local centrist J.J. Pickle recently issued a stirring call for unity between the Democratic Party and the Antidemocratic Party. “There’s far too much fear and hatred of the other side in this country — both among the Democrats and the Fascists,” Pickle declared, lamenting the continued inability of liberals obsessed with shaking up the health care system to come together and compromise with authoritarians determined to overturn elections they lost.

Area Man’s Pod Just His Roommates, Friends, Friends’ Roommates, Roommates’ Friends, Roommates’ Friends’ Friends | Feb 05 2021

Sources report that area man Joel Kimmelman’s pod consists of just his roommates, friends, friends’ roommates, roommates’ friends, and roommates’ friends’ friends. “I really only hang out with people in my pod,” said Kimmelman, a junior living off-campus, describing the wide range of social contacts that he deems are consistent with COVID-19 public health guidance.

Automatically Selected Zoom Host Recognized As New Alpha Of Group | Feb 05 2021

After his professor was suddenly disconnected from a Zoom seminar, the automatically selected new host of the call Charles Goodwin ’21 was quickly recognized as the new alpha of the group by the rest of his class. “When the professor left and I was made host, I guess I kinda became in charge,” Goodwin said, as if his classmates had initiated primal submissive behaviors to show deference to their new pack leader.

Brown Makes Vaccine Available To High-Risk Groups, Like BDH Readers | Feb 05 2021

In an effort to protect its most vulnerable community members first, the University has announced plans to begin vaccinating high-risk groups such as readers of the Brown Daily Herald. “We’re prioritizing vaccines for those under circumstances that put them at heightened risk of COVID-19 infection, one of which is frequent BDH readership,” said School of Public Health Dean Ashish Jha in a statement urging any fans of the daily student newspaper to quickly seek vaccination.

Clever Man Going To Put Mask On Statue | Feb 05 2021

Prepared to redefine the entire framework of comedy itself, clever man Mitchell Schwartz ‘22 fastened a surgical mask onto Brown’s Caesar Augustus statue this past Wednesday. “It’s pretty funny, because statues can’t get infected with COVID, much less transmit it to students and faculty, so it’s a really classic comedy set-up,” commented Schwartz after turning comedy on its head as a crowd gathered and erupted in laughter by the statue.

Club President On Zoom Meeting Gonna Pass It Over To Charlotte | Feb 05 2021

Sources report that Kalen Cho, president of Brown’s Cloud Historians Club, is going to pass it over to Charlotte now. “So if nobody has any more questions, I’m gonna pass it over to Charlotte now,” Cho announced, passing it over to Charlotte.

Cool Freshman Already Knows Best Places In Providence To Get COVID | Feb 05 2021

John Hugh, a cool freshman, already knows all the best place in Providence to get COVID this semester. “There are some places around Wayland Square that are great for a chill night and maybe a less severe infection,” Hugh explained enthusiastically, promising to take the other kids in his unit to all the best COVID hotspots.

Despite Pandemic, Freshman Achieves #1 Best Part Of Brown Experience By Getting To Read The Brown Noser | Feb 05 2021

Sources report that, despite starting college in the midst of a global pandemic, freshman Doris Scarpeppo has already achieved the #1 best part of the Brown experience by getting to read The Brown Noser. “That’s the most quintessential Brown experience there is,” said senior Jake Crosley, noticing Scarpeppo perusing The Noser while waiting in the mail room.

Freshmen Left With No Hope Of Making Friends In Absence Of Ice Cream Social | Feb 05 2021

In the absence of the annual Ice Cream Social, it has become clear that this year’s freshman class has absolutely no hope of making friends. “Unfortunately, the Class of 2024 is going to remain pretty much friendless without the deeply formative experience that is the Ice Cream Social,” said Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, maintaining that the time-honored orientation week gathering is essential for first-years to build community.

Internal Group Tensions Really Coming Through In College Improv Scene | Feb 05 2021

During the latest performance by campus comedy group The Laughing Grizzlies, internal group tensions were really coming through in their improv scenes. “Gather round you lazy fucks!” yelled club president Julie McBride ‘23 to her ensemble mates in a scene supposedly about sleepy museum night guards.

New Experimental Performing Arts Space Just Huge Pit With Massive Crane | Feb 05 2021

After six months of demolition and one month of construction, the University has officially opened the new experimental performing arts space, consisting of a huge pit filled with scrap metal and a massive crane. “As a director, the new performing arts center is a gift.

Nice Man Taking Temperatures At OMAC Unaware That He Proxy Mother Figure For Hundreds Of Freshmen | Feb 05 2021

Cheerfully greeting those waiting in line at the OMAC, the nice man administering temperature checks for COVID testing was completely unaware that he is a proxy mother figure for hundreds of homesick freshmen. “Good morning! How are you doing today?” the kind man asked one freshman, with no way of knowing that he consistently provides the emotional equivalent of a warm hug to a vast number of 18-year-olds who are completely detached from home for the first time in their lives.

Paxson Clarifies That Every Student Allowed One Little Kiss On Valentine’s Day | Feb 05 2021

In an email addressed to the Brown community on Wednesday, President Christina Paxson offered clarification on the University’s COVID guidelines, stating that students can each have one little kiss on Valentine’s Day. “In light of the COVID-19 pandemic, it has been more difficult than ever to stay connected with others, which is why we are allowing students one tiny kiss on February 14,” the email said, adding that, while not ideal, mitigating larger kisses will lessen the chance of a COVID outbreak on campus in the long run.

Professor Clearly Drafts Emails With Single Finger | Feb 05 2021

According to student reports, biology professor James Scampini clearly drafts all of his emails with a single finger. “Come to canvas tues," Professor Scampini wrote in response to one of his student’s inquiries, exercising solely his index finger before delicately signing off with his first initial, “j.” “See me at office hrs 2-4,” clarified Scampini in a follow-up note, fitting the entirety of his message in just the subject line of the email before putting his typing finger to rest for the evening.

Ratty Meal Bags To Include Life-Size Rashid Zia Posters For Students To Eat Lunch With | Feb 05 2021

According to Brown Dining Services, Ratty meal bags will now include life-sized Rashid Zia posters alongside which students will be able to eat lunch. “We asked ourselves what students missed the most during quarantine, and the answer was clear: having lunch with Dean of the College Rashid Zia,” explained Dylan Speigel, the Brown Dining Services coordinator and mastermind behind the initiative.

ResLife Responding To All Emails With “Gone Fishing” | Feb 05 2021

Confused students report that the Office of Residential Life has started responding to all emails with a simple message of “Gone Fishing.” “I assumed that someone in the office would be able to answer my questions, but it seems not,” said freshman Alina Humm, expressing her dismay at ResLife’s two-word response to her inquiries.

Roommate's Smoothie Kick Entering Second And Final Day | Feb 05 2021

Plugging in his NutriBullet for what would prove to be the last time, local roommate Ted Gary commenced the second and final day of his new smoothie kick. “I’ve really been missing Ivy Room smoothies, so I thought I’d get into making my own smoothies here,” Gary explained, retrieving a four-pound bag of frozen strawberries and blueberries he’d bought yesterday and would soon permanently abandon in the back of the freezer.

Senior Without Job Leaning Pretty Hard Into COVID Narrative | Feb 05 2021

Sources report that Brown University senior Elliot Pope, still without a post-grad job offer, is leaning pretty hard into the COVID narrative. “Well I had a summer internship that got cancelled because of COVID, so that really shows how the job market is really different this year,” Pope said after applying to one, maybe two, random jobs on LinkedIn.

Senior Writing Cover Letter Develops Sudden Passionate Interest In Effective Financial Auditing | Feb 05 2021

While applying for an entry-level analyst position at Deloitte, graduating senior Will Tonkin suddenly developed a deep passion for effective financial auditing. “Throughout my entire education in Economics at Brown, I have developed a strong background and keen interest in auditing corporations’ financial statements,” Tonkin wrote at the very beginning of his cover letter, immediately gaining a lifelong love for the practice of confirming whether businesses report their transactions accurately.

Student Mourns Loss Of Senior Year Like They Not About To Replicate College Experience In Brooklyn For Next Five Years | Feb 05 2021

Woefully looking back on her four years of college which are about to come to a close, senior Babette Miller mourned the loss of her senior year like she’s not about to replicate her entire college experience in Brooklyn for the next five or so years.

Student On Semester-Long Leave Acting Like He Jack Kerouac | Feb 05 2021

Friends of Billy Hornsby have reported that ever since he declared a semester-long leave, the junior economics concentrator has been acting like counterculture icon and Beat-era novelist Jack Kerouac. “It’s not like he’s on a cross-country road trip with a ragtag crew of poets, but he’s certainly acting like that’s the case,” Hornsby’s roommate said as the .5er crouched over a ragged notebook, scribbling stream-of-consciousness lines of prose about his newfound bohemian lifestyle.

UCS And CCB Feuding Over Who Less Relevant To Students' Lives | Feb 05 2021

In a series of heated exchanges, the Undergraduate Council of Students and Class Coordinating Board have been feuding over which student organization is less relevant to students’ lives. “We send out a constant stream of blast emails about virtual game nights and other nonsense that no one reads,” said CCB Treasurer Katrina Hunger ‘21 in an email nobody read.

University Boots Up Paxson Neural Network To Generate Automated Email Acknowledging Current Events | Feb 05 2021

As a national news story quickly developed, University administrators booted up the advanced Christina Paxson neural network that has served as Brown’s president since 2012 to generate an automated email acknowledging current events. “On behalf of the entire Brown community, I would like to respond to the events currently unfolding in our country,” the Paxson supercomputer automatically printed onto a strip of ticker tape, already training on a vast dataset of tepid University statements as human technicians flickered on the lights in the laboratory where the mainframe was housed.

Vaccine Clinic For Essential Health Workers Infiltrated By Three PLME Students In A Lab Coat | Feb 05 2021

Disguising themselves as a single towering medical professional, three PLME students attempted to receive COVID-19 vaccines allocated to essential health workers by piling on top of each others’ shoulders in a lab coat. “Yes, I am an essential doctor and I am here for my vaccination,” the uppermost PLME student told a worker at the vaccine clinic as the other two PLME students strained to keep their balance and breathe inside the lab coat.

Verily Reveals Primary Motive To Build Intricate Q-Tip Sculpture | Feb 05 2021

In a recent press release, Verily, the provider of testing for Brown students and faculty, has revealed that their primary motive has been to build a massive Q-tip sculpture out of their collection of testing swabs. “We’ve been happy to provide COVID-19 testing to Brown University to keep the school safe, but, honestly, we should be thanking you more than you should be thanking us,” said Verily spokesperson and contemporary artist Brash Trynsky.

University Threatens To Crack Down On All Superspreader Parties Not Hosted By Children Of Donors | Feb 05 2021

In a community-wide email linking recent COVID-19 spikes on campus to large social gatherings, the University threatened to crack down on all superspreader parties not hosted by children of wealthy donors. “We are investigating several concerning reports of large gatherings where students were unmasked and underprivileged,” the statement read, emphasizing that the University would not tolerate any violations of its COVID-19 policies by students whose parents have made no sizable donations to the BrownTogether fundraising campaign.

Repaurt: Dream Haus Regrauts Saupersprauder Evaunt | Feb 05 2021

Sources repaurt that members of Dream Haus regraut their invaulvement in a haus party that became a saupersprauder evaunt. “Wau, we’re aull feeling daun abaut this,” said Haus co-chairs Hauie Taunsend and Meadau Bauman, annauncing their apaulogy to everyone in Prauvidence.

“I Apologize For Waiting A Year To Distribute Emergency COVID Funding,” Says Provost Locke From Brand New Iron Man Suit | Feb 05 2021

Lowering the visor on the gleaming Iron Man suit he recently bought, Provost Locke apologized for taking so long to give students the $4.8 million in federal COVID relief funds the University received last year. “Understandably, some students have raised questions about our lengthy timeline for distributing the federal student relief funds that Brown was awarded in April and December 2020,” Locke said, absentmindedly thumbing the glowing mechanical core now embedded in his chest.