The Brown Noser

“Let’s Get This Shitshow Over With” Mutters Christina Paxson At Start Of Mid-Year Graduation Ceremony

Sources listening closely to the beginning of the mid-year completion ceremony last week report hearing University president Christina Paxson mutter to herself, “let’s get this shitshow over with.” “Alright, Chris, you just gotta sit through a few speeches, say some shit someone wrote for you, and then this waste of time will be over and done,” said President Paxson softly in the upper Salomon lecture hall at the beginning of the ceremony that lasted no more than 45 minutes.

Student Asking About Winter Break Plans Really Asking About Your Parents’ Annual Income

Curious if you’re a fellow member of her tax bracket or not, junior Eliza Voorhees is asking about your winter break plans to actually ask about your parents’ annual income. “So, are you doing anything fun for winter break?” asked Voorhees, ready to estimate your family’s net worth upon hearing your response.

Oops, RISD Student Left Possum Teeth in Other Tote

Darn it, it seems that RISD student Zoe Kasper accidentally left her spare possum teeth in her other tote bag. “I swear I always keep them on me,” said Kasper as she frantically rummaged through a tote bag covered in googley eyes. “I usually keep them right next to all my loose doubloons.

CS TA Enjoys Hiking, Baking, Writing Algorithms to Produce Humanoid Hobbies for Website Bio

Sources report that Computer Science TA Mark Johnson enjoys hiking, baking, and writing algorithms to produce humanoid hobbies for his class website bio. “I just really enjoy getting out into the fresh air,” said Johnson through the AI bot he had trained to make him sound like a well-balanced human being.

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POINT: I Just Feel Like We’re Growing Apart, Jenna, And I Think That’s Okay / COUNTERPOINT: Yeah, No, For Sure, But Before We Have This Discussion, Can You Please Help Me Out Of This Well?

POINT: I know we’ve been together for a long time, but things have changed, Jenna. We’ve changed. We’re a lot older than we were when we started dating, and I’m just not sure this is working anymore. I think we need to learn who we are apart from this relationship, and I think that’s totally normal.

POINT: After Graduation, I’m Going To Take A Year Off To Travel. / COUNTERPOINT: After My Daughter’s Graduation, I’m Paying For Her To Travel

POINT: After Graduation, I’m Going To Take A Year Off To Travel, by Marley Riggs, ‘23 Brown has offered me a world-class education, one which has provided me with an unrivaled global perspective. But while I’ve learned about the world, I’ve yet to really experience it.

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Dad Also Surprised About What Gift From Mom and Dad Is

According to his children this Christmas, area dad Dave Hammond is also surprised about what is inside the gift labeled “From Mom and Dad.” “Huh! Would you look at that! What a nice train set!” Hammond announced, eyes widening with just as much shock as his son at the newly unveiled gift.

Meanest Girl In Your High School Thinks You’re So Brave for Being Yourself

Scrutinizing your outfit up and down, the meanest girl in your high school wants you to know that you’re so brave for being yourself. “I love how you just don’t care what other people think,” said meanest girl Gretchen Browning, emphasizing how incredible it was that you had the courage to leave the house like that.

Tavern So Dim

Customers recently reported that the tavern is so dim. “There’s just no light in here!” said tavern patron Elizabeth Williams, squinting to see the outline of her tin cup of ale. “I can barely make out the barkeep, and I can’t tell whether the weary travelers who entered a fortnight ago are the ones sounding with merry laughter.

Report: Fuck It, Woman Just Going To Eat Little Piece of Paper Stuck To Cough Drop

According to area woman Claire Rinkle, she is saying ‘fuck it’ and eating the little bit of paper that’s still stuck to her cough drop. “I’ve been carrying the bag of cough drops around in my purse for a few months, and I guess at some point they kind of melted together.

Cryptic To-do Note From Yesterday Just Says “Send Email

Visibly shaken at the sight of the terrifying message he apparently left for himself the night before, area man Brian Nash has discovered a cryptic to-do note on his phone that just reads, “Send Email.” “Why did I think that I’d just remember who I was supposed to email?” said Nash of the mysterious note that draws into question his continuous sense of self.

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