The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Dec 16 2022 issue)

Dad Also Surprised About What Gift From Mom and Dad Is | Dec 16 2022

According to his children this Christmas, area dad Dave Hammond is also surprised about what is inside the gift labeled “From Mom and Dad.” “Huh! Would you look at that! What a nice train set!” Hammond announced, eyes widening with just as much shock as his son at the newly unveiled gift.

Meanest Girl In Your High School Thinks You’re So Brave for Being Yourself | Dec 16 2022

Scrutinizing your outfit up and down, the meanest girl in your high school wants you to know that you’re so brave for being yourself. “I love how you just don’t care what other people think,” said meanest girl Gretchen Browning, emphasizing how incredible it was that you had the courage to leave the house like that.

Tavern So Dim | Dec 16 2022

Customers recently reported that the tavern is so dim. “There’s just no light in here!” said tavern patron Elizabeth Williams, squinting to see the outline of her tin cup of ale. “I can barely make out the barkeep, and I can’t tell whether the weary travelers who entered a fortnight ago are the ones sounding with merry laughter.

Report: Fuck It, Woman Just Going To Eat Little Piece of Paper Stuck To Cough Drop | Dec 16 2022

According to area woman Claire Rinkle, she is saying ‘fuck it’ and eating the little bit of paper that’s still stuck to her cough drop. “I’ve been carrying the bag of cough drops around in my purse for a few months, and I guess at some point they kind of melted together.

Cryptic To-do Note From Yesterday Just Says “Send Email | Dec 16 2022

Visibly shaken at the sight of the terrifying message he apparently left for himself the night before, area man Brian Nash has discovered a cryptic to-do note on his phone that just reads, “Send Email.” “Why did I think that I’d just remember who I was supposed to email?” said Nash of the mysterious note that draws into question his continuous sense of self.

Texts From Mom Either Silly Photo of Childhood Dog, Somber Update on Relative’s Health | Dec 16 2022

Opening their phone to an alert for a new text message from mom, junior Sarah Biltmore ‘24 is sure that she will receive either a goofy photo of her lovable childhood dog, or a somber update on the current condition of one of her relatives. “LOL.

Guy's Instagram Post Just Photo Of Him At Night | Dec 16 2022

Sophomore James Cranstor’s recent Instagram post is reportedly just a photo of him at night. “I feel like every time he comes up on my feed, it’s another picture of him wearing a solid-colored sweatshirt at nighttime,” said Cranstor’s friend Mary Friedman, examining the photograph of Cranstor on a sidewalk in the dark.

Self-Driving Car Wishes Owner Would | Dec 16 2022

According to self-driving cars, they wish their owners would. “I mean, really. How hard is it to just drive your own damn car? Humans don’t need to calibrate their eyes not to hit people in a crosswalk, or for that matter, drive into any white thing.

Shitty M.I.T. Janitor Can’t Even Solve Mind-Bending Math Problem | Dec 16 2022

Shitty M.I.T janitor Mikey Bryer reportedly can’t even solve a near-impossible math problem. “He just, like, mops and stuff,” said mathematics professor Linda Greenburg, watching Bryer absentmindedly push his cart past a chalkboard scrawled with an equation so difficult that not even Einstein could solve it.

Old-Timey Prospector Talking Like That Because He Prospector | Dec 16 2022

Sources close to old-timey prospector Cletus Jenkes report that he talks like that because he’s a prospector. “Before he became crazed with goldlust, I never heard him call mountains ‘them thar hills’ or snakes ‘vermin,’ but I guess it comes with the territory,” states Jenkes’s longtime friend Wilbur Booth as he watched Jenkes heave a burlap sack of rocks onto a mule’s back.

Yogurt Commercial Weirdly Sensual | Dec 16 2022

ources report that yogurt titan Yoplait’s latest commercial is weirdly sensual. “I get that they wanna sell their product, but I thought it was a little weird that the whole premise was a dewy-skinned actress licking a spoon for one-and-a-half minutes,” said viewer Diana Blair, staring confusedly at her television.

Netflix Original Film Just C-List Actor And CGI | Dec 16 2022

Settling on a Netflix original film for their movie night, a local couple was treated to one and a half hours of watching a C-list actor and some CGI. “Oh, I think that guy was in a few episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” said Louise Bell, as she and her boyfriend watched the vaguely recognizable actor get chased by a ghost in some sort of Nordic forest.

Report: Now Dad Hopping On FaceTime Call Too | Dec 16 2022

According to local sources, Gary Bornstein, father of Harry Bornstein ’25, is popping onto a FaceTime call between Harry and his mother right now. “Hey Sport! How are finals going? You studying real hard?” said Gary, blissfully unaware he was interrupting a serious conversation between Harry and his mother.

Pottery Barn Releases New Shatter-Proof Hand Mirror For Hideous Stepmothers | Dec 16 2022

Describing them as the perfect way to look at your face without your dreadful, stern features causing the glass to immediately break into thousands of shards, Pottery Barn has released a new line of shatter-proof hand mirrors designed especially for hideous stepmothers.

Report: Snake Would Be Cute If It Weren't A Sober Reminder Of Man's Original Sin | Dec 16 2022

Scientists have determined that snakes would probably be cute if they weren’t a sober reminder of man’s original sin against God. “Ultimately, we couldn’t ignore the fact that, while snakes may have a tiny little tongue and small beans for eyes, they can never be cute because they are a constant reminder of man’s failures,” explained Dr.

Report: Everyone Saw You Press “No Tip” On The iPad | Dec 16 2022

According to an exhaustive recent survey of the café you were in yesterday, everyone, including all staff, customers, and even passersby on the street, saw you press “No Tip” on the iPad. “We all saw, asshole,” said customer Flora Saunders reflecting the sentiments of everyone in the café, who all shook their heads in disgust and whispered to one another when you didn’t even have the decency to leave a mere five-percent tip to the barista.

Man Listing “Self-Awareness” As Interest in Dating App Bio Not That Self-Aware | Dec 16 2022

According to reports, local man Jackson Rivers, who has been listing “self-awareness” as an interest in his dating app bio, is actually not that self-aware. “I will never shut up about the continued need for fracking in our economy,“ said Rivers in his personality prompts, right below his interests, which included “self-awareness”.

Little Cousin Wondering Why You, A Girl, Dating Someone Who Also Girl | Dec 16 2022

Due to recent romantic circumstances, your little cousin Shelby, age 8, is wondering why you, a girl, decided to date someone who is also a girl. “If you are a girl, and she is a girl, how are you dating?” asked Shelby, dunking a dino nugget into ketchup as she pondered homosexuality for the very first time.

Fan Explaining that Taylor Swift Secretly Lesbian with Zeal of Evangelical Preacher | Dec 16 2022

Sources report that area Swiftie Kelly O’Brien is explaining that Taylor Swift is a secret lesbian with the conviction of a fire-and-brimstone evangelical preacher. “It’s absolutely impossible to deny that she’s dated women,” asserted O’Brien, slapping her Fearless: Platinum Edition CD like it was the Good Book.

Area Marijuana Grower Ordered To Surrender Plants In Neatly Wrapped Paper Cylindrical Bundles With A Little Twist At The End | Dec 16 2022

Authorities in Mississippi have ordered a local marijuana grower to cease cultivation activity, terminate the growth of the plants, and surrender the flowers in neatly wrapped paper cylindrical bundles, preferably with a little twist at the end. “Localized cultivation of extremely potent marijuana has gone on for long enough,” said Sheriff’s deputy Mark Shythe.

City Local Ashamed He Too Stumbled When Train Stopped | Dec 16 2022

Local subway rider Lucas Tapovilla felt acutely embarrassed this morning when he stumbled along with everyone else as the train stopped. “It’s supposed to just be the tourists that trip and fall over each other when that happens,” said Tapovilla, sheepishly looking around to make sure no one saw him stumble.

Bottle Of Hand Soap Entering Stage Where You Really Have To Pump It | Dec 16 2022

According to the residents of a Transit Street apartment, the bottle of hand soap in the bathroom is entering the stage where you really have to pump it. “There’s not much in there so this is gonna take some work,” said Marnie Sprock, rolling up her sleeves and vigorously pumping the bottle’s plastic spout in an effort to extract the scant drops of soap congealed at the bottom.