The Brown Noser

Explorers Discover Dartmouth Hasn't Existed for 50 years

Dartmouth, the oft-forgotten member of the Ivy League tucked away deep in the woods of New Hampshire, has not existed for at least fifty years, according to explorers Rufus Edgemore and Stefan Burgundy. The discovery has left the Ivy League, now short one member, in shambles.

Review: Tupac and Warren Alpert's New Album

All Dawgs Go to Heaven, the latest collaborative album from Tupac Shakur and Warren Alpert, falls short of its lofty expectations but is still an overall solid effort. The album also features prominent divine artists such as Jesus Christ, The Notorious G.O.D., and LL Cool J, who is not yet dead, but has already obviously earned his ticket into Heaven.

Freshman Proud of Cliché Poster Collection

Located at the corner of Bowen and Brown Streets, East Andrews Room 152 is being hailed by art buffs and intoxicated Brown students as the "Met of the Northeast, except that one in New York and the RISD one, only I think the RISD one is just a dining hall and not a museum, anyway."

Hillel to Display Rejected Art, Students

In the wake of the tragic cancellation of this year's rendition of <i>Fiddler on the Roof</i>, Brown Hillel narrowly managed to fulfill its annual culture quota by acquiring a bunch of art turned down by the Bell Gallery student show.

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Dear Chris

[b]Dear Chris, I have some ADOCH kids coming to stay with me, what should I do to show them a good time? -Melanie Chisholm [/b] Melanie, Your question comes at a perfect time, for me if not for you. I just recently finished the preparations for my pre-frosh, so a response to your inquiry takes very little work on my part.

The BDH's Grandma Bakes Bad Brownies

I want to preface this editorial by saying that The Daily Herald's grandma is a fantastic lady. She's as nice as can be, is "with it" and "hip," and has the body of a woman 20 years younger than herself. My recent visit to her Warwick home, however, has pointed out a glaring flaw in an otherwise perfect grandmotherly veneer. She makes, despite all of her metaphorical sweetness, the most bitter, inedible brownies I've ever tasted.

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Planned Parenthood Express to Offer Fries with That

Last week, Angell Street's Planned Parenthood Express implemented its most recent innovation with the addition of fries to what the program's director calls its "menu."

Thayer Street Kettle Corn Man Injured in Knife Attack, Man and Popcorn Left Earless

The hustle and bustle of Thayer Street was disrupted last night when an unknown suspect assaulted Bernie Poppems, the much-loved Kettle Corn Man at his usual post in front of the Brown Bookstore. The suspect demanded all of Poppems' products and, when Poppems resisted, wrestled the vendor to the ground and cut off his ear. Poppems described the suspect as a 5'11", 230-pound male with a high-pitched, lisping voice.

Govenor Cuts Power to Thayer Street to Get Free Roba Dolce! Gelato

An investigation of the blackout of the entire off-campus community last Friday has led to the indictment of Rhode Island Governor Donald Carcieri. The area was blacked-out due to an unusually conductive canoli, found wedged into a circuit breaker next to a transformer buried under Wayland Square. National Grid is also bringing a civil suit against the governor.

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SciLi to Add Ten Floors, Testicles

University officials announced last Thursday that the Brown Sciences Library is in store for a little, well-deserved boost of confidence.

Brown Meteorologists Struggle to Explain Spring Weekend Fog

It's no secret that this spring has seen its fair share of odd weather, but students and professors alike in the Geological Sciences Department are dumbfounded by the unexplained haze that covered the campus this past week.

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