At an emergency press conference held this morning, Student Programs Coordinator Shelly Resnick confirmed reports that a sudden detonation in the crossbreeding wing of the Career Lab had created and released a potentially hazardous occupation into the economy.
Life is complicated. Each day there’s a new challenge to overcome, and as we navigate through love, loss, success and hardship, there’s never a shortage of things that make us scratch our heads and say, “Huh?” But if there’s one issue that no longer confuses me, it is television remotes that control the flow of time.
Sources confirmed Friday that 999 of 999 spots in freshman Eric Wilder’s friend group remain open after the completion of preregistration for spring semester.
Wilder, a 19-year-old Pennsylvania native, was reportedly disheartened after no one signed up for FRND 0110: “Eric’s Friend Group” for the second consecutive semester.
Providence-area sales representative and father of three Jim Torrington needs to know which of his sons did that horrible thing or else Christmas will not be held this year. Torrington maintains that Santa Claus is listed on his Blackberry’s speed dial, which might be a bluff but probably is not.
According to sources inside the newsroom, tonight’s after-hours NBA press conference is getting all existential again. Shortly after losing to the Detroit Pistons, the San Antonio Spurs gathered together to answer questions from the press and speculate on what it all means anyway.
Having struggled through his 33rd consecutive night of sleeplessness, Providence resident Mitch McCann, 29, told reporters that he now believes a lack of fruits and vegetables in his diet, together with his nightly reassessment of every decision he has ever made in his entire life, is the primary factor contributing to his chronic insomnia.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
