After taking a semester off from teaching, Professor Kevin Mercer returned to the classroom absolutely ripped, students report. Mercer, a tenured faculty member in the History department, ostensibly spent his leave doing research for his upcoming book, but from the looks of it he got in substantial gym time as well.
Sources revealed Wednesday that area man Allen Carmichael, 55, and his son Joseph, 15, are continually engaged in attempts to prevent the other from discovering their marijuana habits. Despite living on the same floor of the same house and spending hours of each day together, both individuals remain entirely unaware of the other’s nagging compulsion to smoke, ingest or otherwise consume cannabis, sources close to the father-son pair said.
Sources confirm that Kevin Terry, a 42-year-old commercial pilot with a wife and two teenage daughters, is complicit in all of it and needs to wake up.
According to friends and neighbors of Terry, a non-disruptive pawn deeply rooted in unjust systemic circuitry who helps to indoctrinate those around him into the hegemonic system of beliefs simply by living and breathing and stepping out his front door, he pitches in a town team softball league and makes a “mean yellow curry.”
“We’re almost out of orange juice,” said the unconscionable cog.
As part of an increased effort to get U.S. citizens to vote against their own interests, the Republican Party has put out a new TV spot encouraging young people across the country to vote ironically. Facing troubling polling numbers in the 18-29 demographic, the RNC has reportedly given up trying to win over young people and instead is trying to convince them that conservative candidates are despicable enough to deserve their ironic support.
Reflecting the general sense of confusion that settled over a Hillary Clinton rally in Tallahassee Florida, attendee Joanna Cicero expressed uncertainty as to whom the candidate was trying to pander with her yodeling routine. Clinton, wearing a white top hat with flames on it, yodeled for a full three minutes before jumping into her stump speech.
Upon seeing Eddie play an 80-year-old Paul Revere in the opening sequence of the new biopic The British Are Coming For Me, Moviegoers at Cherry Creek Cinema were not convinced that the actor would remain old for the length of the film. The 34-year-old actor was clearly wearing a great deal of makeup to make him look like an old man, and even walked hunched over with a pronounced limp.
Probably everyone who reads "Animal Farm" by George Orwell can agree that it is very sad when Boxer the draft horse dies and is sent to be turned to glue. But something not everyone can agree on is whether "Animal Farm" is an allegory for the Russian Revolution. I, specifically, do not agree with this frankly ill-conceived idea.
I like Ben Stiller. I like "Zoolander." I like "Meet The Parents." I like "Night at the Museum." I like "Tropic Thunder." I like "Meet The Fockers." I like "Reality Bites." I like "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty." I like "Night at the Museum 2." I like "Along Came Polly." I like "Starsky and Hutch." I like "Greenberg." I like "While We're Young." I even like "Night at the Museum: Secret Of The Tomb." I’m telling you all this so that you don’t think I’m being unfair when I say that it’s difficult for me to divorce my enjoyment of Mr. Stiller’s work from his bloody assassination of my Reaganite father in 1996.