The Brown Noser

Science & Technology (Mar 11 2016 issue)

Astronaut Late To Space Again | Mar 11 2016

According to recent reports from NASA, astronaut Jason Bukowski was late to space for the fifth time since he was hired in April less than a year ago. During the first incident last May, Bukowski reportedly arrived 36 hours late to space, unshaven and seemingly frazzled, apologizing profusely, reporting that his wife had accidentally taken his rocket ship keys to work with her.

Report: Type In HG7--39AN002 To Start Level 3 With Shogun’s Kimono | Mar 11 2016

A recent report released by The Massachusetts Institute of Technology on Wednesday says that if you type in HG7—39AN002 you can start level 3 with the Shogun’s Kimono. The findings show that it’s pretty awesome because it adds +5 charisma to your character and may bump them to a new creature class if you are close to leveling up.

Lizard Gonna Need Some Time Before He Trusts New Tail | Mar 11 2016

Saying that he does not feel comfortable just yet, beaded lizard Dave is going to need some time before he can trust his new tail. “I want to fling my body into the air and have faith that my new tail will stabilize my movement,” Dave said, stealing the occasional glance at the stumpy, discolored piece of flesh growing out of his back.

Scientists Warn Global Warming Will Contribute To More Unwanted Conversations About Weather | Mar 11 2016

After hearing “Wow, I can’t believe it’s this hot in February” for the fifth time today, climatologist Molly Schlafer rolled her eyes and filed a report warning that global warming will only contribute to more unwanted conversations about the weather.

4 Out Of 5 Dentists Recommend Just Popping In A Mint If You've Gotta Be Somewhere | Mar 11 2016

According to a study released Tuesday by the American Dental Association, four out of five dentists recommend brushing and flossing at least twice a day unless you’ve really gotta be somewhere, in which case you should just pop in a mint before you head out the door.

Archaeologists Confirm Ancient Mayans Weirdly Predicted The 2016 Toyotathon | Mar 11 2016

Following the recent unearthing of 7000-year-old stone carvings of Toyota Corollas from the Xultún ruins in northern Guatemala, archaeologists confirmed that, weirdly, the Ancient Mayans correctly predicted the 2016 Toyotathon. “This is an incredibly confusing discovery,” said dig site archaeological expert Blanche Sumpter, scratching her head and inspecting an ancient depiction of a 2016 Toyota RAV4 beside Q’anjobalan script loosely translating to “Don’t miss your chance to get 0% APR financing before January 1.” “It’s beyond me how the Ancient Mayans knew that Toyotathon would offer such incredible deals this holiday season.” Reports indicate that the Mayans also demonstrated a bizarre, prophetic awareness of the 2016 Toyotathon ad campaign.

New Telescope Allows Scientists To See Parties Up Close | Mar 11 2016

After many years of failed attempts, a team of scientists at Aker Observatory in Safford, Arizona has finally designed a new telescope that allows them to see parties up close. Until this point, scientists have only been able to make theoretical predictions about the nature of parties.

Scientists Confirm Lucid Dreaming Actually Completely Fucking Stupid | Mar 11 2016

A new study from the Pew Research Center concludes that lucid dreaming is actually totally fucking dumb. “These findings contradict our initial hypothesis that lucid dreaming is a profound cerebral phenomenon involving elevated states of consciousness,” said lead researcher Jack Vernon.

Scientists Discover Fog Actually Ghost Rave | Mar 11 2016

In a new study conducted at the University of Maine, researchers have discovered the cloudy, mysterious phenomenon of fog is actually hundreds of ghosts raving where a destroyed warehouse used to stand. Through electromagnetic sensors, scientists at UMaine noticed ghost LED gloves, ghost LED hula-hoops, and ghost lasers that have only one possible explanation: a ghost rave.