The Brown Noser

Second Untitled Lamp/Bear Ominously Appears Next to First

In an event that has many Brown University faculty and students confused, a second Untitled Lamp/Bear has appeared on Simmons Quadrangle adjacent to the first. The light green bear, seems to have been installed overnight and has come as a complete surprise to the entire campus.

Freshman Looking Forward To Going Home And Putting A Spin On Academically And Socially Disappointing First Semester

Sources report that, after a disappointing first semester, freshman Tyler Adams is looking forward to going home and putting a positive spin on his time at Brown. “Here, I can’t hide that I had a lackluster semester but, at home, I can rewrite history.,” said Adams.

Brown Band Performing At 8 a.m. On Saturday Immensely Celebrated Throughout Campus Like Military Parading Through City

Blasting a thunderous rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” outside every dorm, the Brown Band was greeted this weekend to the cheers and thunderous applause of students. At 8am sharp, students were reportedly flinging open their window shutters and rushing to the streets to witness the Brown Band perform.

Desperate Cards Against Humanity Player Continues To Overuse “Rush Limbaugh’s Soft, Shitty Body”

Sources reported on Saturday that Cards Against Humanity player Rick Espinoza ’18 used “Rush Limbaugh’s Soft, Shitty Body” immediately after receiving it. “It was funny the first time he played that card, like a year ago," said Kristen Park ‘17, adding that she can’t remember the card being played by anyone else.

View more Campus Life

I Came To Brown So I Wouldn’t Have To Do Math Ever Again, But Every Night Christina Paxson Sneaks Into My Dorm Room And Makes Me Do Problem Sets By Candlelight

As a first-year, one of the main things that attracted me to Brown is its open curriculum. I loved the fact that, after hating math in high school, I would never have to do it again in college. Well, I found out too late that that’s not entirely true, because every night President Christina Paxson sneaks into my dorm room through the window and makes me do problem sets by candlelight.

I’m The Tallest Person In The World And I Wouldn’t Trade That For Anything Except Another Season Of Seinfeld

I’m eight foot three and I have lived an amazing life. Everyday, I’m grateful my two average sized parents’ genes somehow came together to make me so tall. I know how privileged I am to be the tallest person in the world. But if given the choice between being so tall and there being another season of Seinfeld, I’d have to choose the latter.

View more Opinion

History Textbook Writers Can’t Wait To Get Their Hands On 2016

Citing the year’s “completely bonkers” major events, history textbook writers around the country can’t wait to start diving into 2016. “Oh, man, where to begin?” said historian Maya Creel, adding that she might get started off on “pretty much the only bright note” of the Cubs’ World Series win, and then proceed to get more depressing from there.

Pope Francis Experimenting With “Eastern Religions” After Month-long Trip To India

Surprising Catholics and non-Catholics across the world, Pope Francis announced Sunday that he will be experimenting with “eastern religions” after his month-long trip to India. “I went to find myself, and I think I found more,” the Pope said during a homily.

Area Teen Coming Up With Ridiculously Complicated Backstory For Ensemble Role In High School Play

To tap into her role as an unnamed member of The Sharks in this year’s production of West Side Story, sources report that Cranston High School sophomore, Caroline Martin, has been constructing a ludicrously complicated backstory for her character.

Banksy Revealed To Be Kyle’s Dad

The art world was rocked Thursday evening when it was revealed that famed street artist Banksy has always been Kyle Felman’s dad. “Huh. That’s weird. Isn’t Banksy British?” said area teen Heather Grable, who’s been friends with Kyle since fourth grade and knows Mr.

Desperate Santa Claus Frenziedly Packages Reindeer Meat As Christmas Gift

Running out of time before December 25th, a panicked Santa Claus is reportedly using reindeer flesh as presents this year. Sources say Claus was last seen tearfully taking a blood-matted piece of deer, and wrapping it in red ribbon. “Fuck, man.

View more Off Campus

Search The Brown Noser

Apple Announces Next iPhone Will Be Able To Die With 95% Battery Remaining

Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed that the battery of the upcoming iPhone 8 will be able to die with 95% charge remaining, one of many innovations he discussed at a press conference Monday morning. “The iPhone 8’s battery life will decrease gradually from 100 to 95%, then immediately shut off,” Cook said, adding that it takes a long time to charge the phones.

Report: Nippy Weather Seriously Nipping At Those Nips

In what Rhode Island meteorologists are calling the nippiest season yet, nippy weather is nipping at those nips like nothing else. “Without proper clothing, nips that have not been nipped already are bound to get nipped in no time.” stated senior meteorologist, Neel Nuñez. “This weather is seriously nippy! And my nips are getting nipped!” At press time, nipples.

View more Science & Technology