The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Dec 09 2016 issue)

Second Untitled Lamp/Bear Ominously Appears Next to First | Dec 09 2016

In an event that has many Brown University faculty and students confused, a second Untitled Lamp/Bear has appeared on Simmons Quadrangle adjacent to the first. The light green bear, seems to have been installed overnight and has come as a complete surprise to the entire campus.

Freshman Looking Forward To Going Home And Putting A Spin On Academically And Socially Disappointing First Semester | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that, after a disappointing first semester, freshman Tyler Adams is looking forward to going home and putting a positive spin on his time at Brown. “Here, I can’t hide that I had a lackluster semester but, at home, I can rewrite history.,” said Adams.

Brown Band Performing At 8 a.m. On Saturday Immensely Celebrated Throughout Campus Like Military Parading Through City | Dec 09 2016

Blasting a thunderous rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” outside every dorm, the Brown Band was greeted this weekend to the cheers and thunderous applause of students. At 8am sharp, students were reportedly flinging open their window shutters and rushing to the streets to witness the Brown Band perform.

Desperate Cards Against Humanity Player Continues To Overuse “Rush Limbaugh’s Soft, Shitty Body” | Dec 09 2016

Sources reported on Saturday that Cards Against Humanity player Rick Espinoza ’18 used “Rush Limbaugh’s Soft, Shitty Body” immediately after receiving it. “It was funny the first time he played that card, like a year ago," said Kristen Park ‘17, adding that she can’t remember the card being played by anyone else.

Roommate In Permanent State Of Leaving For Gym | Dec 09 2016

Sophomore Erica Flynn reported that her roommate Sammy Fisher is in a permanent state of leaving for the gym. “She was packing her workout clothes in a draw string bag when I got in bed last night, and when I woke up this morning she was mixing pre-workout powder into a water bottle,” Flynn said, adding that Fisher spends all of their neurology lectures tying her sneakers and stretching her arm across her chest.

Study: Loud Motorcyclists On Thayer Actually Coolest People In Providence | Dec 09 2016

In what some sources are calling an “obvious finding”, a new study by the University of Rhode Island shows that loud motorcyclists riding on Thayer Street are actually the coolest people in Providence, RI. The extensive panel data, which was collected over a twelve-year period, concluded that over 85% of Providence residents thought that the motorcyclists were even cooler than those cars with the windows rolled down while blasting the radio.

CIT Replaces Free Lollipops With Free Foot-Long Turkey Subs | Dec 09 2016

In a brief statement made last week, CIT management has announced that the free lollipops at the help desk will now be replaced with free foot-long turkey sub sandwiches. The sandwiches, which a help desk worker claimed will be “absolutely stacked with meat”, are a part of a new initiative from the CIT to keep the atmosphere relaxed and inviting.

Girl At Nelson Simultaneously Running And Reading Like Some Kind Of Terminator Cyborg | Dec 09 2016

Simultaneously running on the treadmill and reading a chemistry textbook while at the Nelson, witnesses report that junior Sharon Collins looked like some kind of terminator cyborg. “When she got here she just balanced her book on the treadmill’s display and started jogging and reading at the same time like it was no biggie,” said gym goer Sam Koche, as he watched the display of his own treadmill intently, counting down the seconds until his workout would end.

Athlete Just Keeps Stacking Beef Patties | Dec 09 2016

Those in the Ratty Tuesday afternoon watched on in awe as an athlete in the grill line just kept stacking beef patties on his burger. “As I was grabbing a bun I saw this big dude in front of me put a patty on his,” said Jon Horowitz who was in line behind the athlete.

“I Voted” Sticker Pretty Much Fused To Obnoxious PoliSci Student’s Skin At This Point | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that several weeks after the presidential election, junior Marcus Cunningham is still wearing his “I Voted” sticker. “The election didn’t turn out the way I expected but I’m still happy I was able to do my part,” said Cunningham, gently smoothing the ruffled edges of his sticker so that the worn out adhesive would still stick.

Residential Life To House Juniors Returning From Abroad In Sprawling Tent City | Dec 09 2016

Saying it is the only way to accompany all juniors returning from study abroad this spring semester, the Office of Residential Life announced Wednesday that it would house them in a sprawling tent city on Wriston Quadrangle. Juniors and some mid-year transfers will pitch tents provided by the Office of Residential Life among metal garbage cans and loose trash on the grass of Wriston.

Rhode Island Assemblyman Applying For D.C. Summer Internship To Gain Experience In Politics | Dec 09 2016

Saying it would look great on his resume and give him a chance to witness politicians at work, Rhode Island Assemblyman Greg Gordiano announced Wednesday that he is applying for a Congressional summer internship. “I feel like a congressional internship would be a great experience if I decide to go into politics someday,” explained the 53 year-old Assemblyman, “and even if it’s all I do, it would be super cool to see how legislating works.” Gordiano was student council vice president at Cranston High School East, which he hopes will be seen as leadership experience in his application.