The Brown Noser

History Textbook Writers Can’t Wait To Get Their Hands On 2016 | Dec 09 2016

Citing the year’s “completely bonkers” major events, history textbook writers around the country can’t wait to start diving into 2016. “Oh, man, where to begin?” said historian Maya Creel, adding that she might get started off on “pretty much the only bright note” of the Cubs’ World Series win, and then proceed to get more depressing from there.

Pope Francis Experimenting With “Eastern Religions” After Month-long Trip To India | Dec 09 2016

Surprising Catholics and non-Catholics across the world, Pope Francis announced Sunday that he will be experimenting with “eastern religions” after his month-long trip to India. “I went to find myself, and I think I found more,” the Pope said during a homily.

Area Teen Coming Up With Ridiculously Complicated Backstory For Ensemble Role In High School Play | Dec 09 2016

To tap into her role as an unnamed member of The Sharks in this year’s production of West Side Story, sources report that Cranston High School sophomore, Caroline Martin, has been constructing a ludicrously complicated backstory for her character.

Banksy Revealed To Be Kyle’s Dad | Dec 09 2016

The art world was rocked Thursday evening when it was revealed that famed street artist Banksy has always been Kyle Felman’s dad. “Huh. That’s weird. Isn’t Banksy British?” said area teen Heather Grable, who’s been friends with Kyle since fourth grade and knows Mr.

Desperate Santa Claus Frenziedly Packages Reindeer Meat As Christmas Gift | Dec 09 2016

Running out of time before December 25th, a panicked Santa Claus is reportedly using reindeer flesh as presents this year. Sources say Claus was last seen tearfully taking a blood-matted piece of deer, and wrapping it in red ribbon. “Fuck, man.

Millennial Poet Really Pushing Boundaries Of Coherent English | Dec 09 2016

In his newly e-published anthology “word poetry”, millennial poet Darius Wette is really testing the limits of the English language sources reported Saturday. Editors were initially confused by Wette’s consistently questionable decisions regarding basic grammar and spelling, but after several conversations with the poet, they were eventually convinced that he was taking poetry in a new and exciting direction.

Nation's Youth Can't Wait To Get Out Of This Town | Dec 09 2016

Staring off into the distance while dangling their legs off the side of the town’s water tower, the nation’s youth reported Thursday that they can’t wait to get out of this town. “No one understands me here,” said eighteen year old Cranston resident Silas McKee, voicing the feelings of many kids his age.

Man Pretty Nice Once You Get To Ignore Him | Dec 09 2016

Claiming that local man Mark Winston just gets a bad rap from the people who pay attention to him, sources reported Monday that Winston is actually a nice guy once you learn to ignore him. “His whiny voice and negative attitude don’t bother you much once you start to block him out completely,” said friend Robert Payne, as he declined a call from Winston and subsequently hid all of Winston’s Facebook posts from his newsfeed.

Modern Day Goof Keeps 3D-Printing His Butt | Dec 09 2016

Giggling as he adjusted the print settings on his 3D-printer, modern day goof Jeff Mellman spent all day Friday 3D-printing copies of his butt. “To me, there is nothing funnier than giving that classic prank a 21st century upgrade” said Mellman, adding that he plans on placing his sleeping friend’s hand in a warm glass of Soylent later.

Cheeky 911 Operator Keeps Pretending To Be Answering Machine When People Call | Dec 09 2016

Struggling to muffle his giggles, cheeky 911 operator Tim McGown repeatedly pretended to be an answering machine recording while responding to emergency calls on Monday. “You’ve reached the mailbox of the police, please leave a message after the beep.

Progressive Cemetery To Allow Live People To Be Buried Too | Dec 09 2016

Heralding a new way of managing cemeteries, the head of the progressive Heaven’s Gates Cemetery announced that, starting next week, live people will be allowed to be buried on the grounds as well. “If we continue to think of cemeteries as places for dead people to go, they’ll continue to be a place just for dead people,” said Ron Willis, surveying the nearly five acres of land he has set aside for living people to come and be buried in.

Parents Uncomfortable After Finding 15-Year-Old’s Letter to Santa | Dec 09 2016

The parents of 15-year-old Eric Holt of Warwick confirmed yesterday that they were very uncomfortable after finding the Christmas list their son had written for Santa Claus this year. “I thought we made it pretty clear when he was like, nine that we were the ones buying his gifts,” Diane Holt said, adding that they had even made a point to show him the closet where they stashed the gifts before Christmas morning.

Irresponsible Priest Always Drinking The Holy Water | Dec 09 2016

Parishioners at St. Mark’s Holy Cathedral were reportedly dismayed to discover Father Daniel Gladstone smacking his lips together after taking a big sip of holy water. Father Gladstone was spotted cupping his hands and reaching into the basin of holy water shortly after Mass ended on Sunday.

Report: Greg’s Nose Always Runny | Dec 09 2016

According to a report put out by several of his friends, the nose of local man Greg Stavig is always runny. “I thought it was just a seasonal allergies thing, but that was, like, eight months ago,” said Bethany Sanchez, adding that, weirdly, he never appears to actually be sick.

Everyone At Airport There To Catch A Lover Before They Board A Flight To Paris | Dec 09 2016

Sources at JFK International Airport report that everyone there is desperately trying to catch a lover before they board a flight to Paris. “I can’t let Jennifer go,” said airport goer and lover Matt Graves as he jumped over a security conveyer belt and sprinted to the terminal.

Fifth Grader Asked To Deliver Something To Another Class Acts Like He Embarking On Medieval Quest | Dec 09 2016

Clutching a packet of papers tightly and waving farewell to his friends, fifth grader Eli Marks acted as though he was embarking on a medieval quest after being asked to deliver the papers to another class. “Mrs. Taggart’s classroom is all the way down the hallway, so who even knows if I’ll be back in time for lunch or not,” said Marks, proudly wielding a hall pass as though it was an ancient amulet that granted him invincibility.

Bold Kidnapping Victim Keeps Asking “Are We There Yet?” | Dec 09 2016

Rolling his eyes and kicking his feet against the trunk disruptively, kidnapping victim Kyle Montgomery repeatedly asked his captor whether they had reached their destination yet. “My head is at a really weird angle and there are no snacks back here,” Montgomery said as he struggled to loosen the ropes binding his wrists and ankles together.

Gullible Magician Gasps After His Own Tricks | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that gullible magician Rooney Schultz, clearly baffled by the rabbit he just pulled out of his top hat, loudly gasped at his own magic trick. “I am positive that my hat was completely empty the whole show but then, somehow, I was able to pull a rabbit out of it,” Schultz said after the show, taking off his magician tuxedo and magician gloves.

Jared Leto Still Wandering Hollywood In Joker Makeup | Dec 09 2016

Running a hand through his matted green hair, a bleary-eyed Jared Leto was seen wandering Hollywood still wearing his Joker makeup on Wednesday, sources report. “‘Suicide Squad’ came out over the summer, so they must’ve wrapped shooting a year ago.

Nation’s High School Boyfriends Announce Plan To Shimmy Up Tree And Sneak Into Your Bedroom Real Quiet So Your Dad Doesn’t Hear | Dec 09 2016

In a joint press conference on Tuesday, the nation’s high school boyfriends announced a plan to shimmy up that tree in your backyard tonight and sneak into your bedroom real quiet so your dad doesn’t hear. The plan is foolproof, according to the nation’s boyfriends.

Local Man Still Waiting To Acknowledge Approaching Friend | Dec 09 2016

Eyewitnesses confirm that, even though they’ve obviously both seen each other, local man Dennis Steinman still hasn’t waved to his approaching friend. “It’s not that I’m trying to ignore her, I’m just waiting for her to come into the ideal range,” explained Steinman, adding that although he intended to verbally acknowledge his friend, he didn’t want to begin anything longer than a two second interaction.

Bully Becomes Six Times More Lethal After Reading Thesaurus | Dec 09 2016

Frightening his peers at Boris J. Mudd Middle School, bully Tommy Kline has acquired a thesaurus sources reported Wednesday. “I thought it was bad before, but that was nothing,” said student Anjana Trivedi, clutching her books to her chest as her eyes darted nervously back and forth down the corridor.

REPORT: Time Of Year Everyone Starts Walking Around With Chilly, Clenched Fists Tucked Into Their Sleeves | Dec 09 2016

According to a report released by the National Center of Atmospheric Research, over the coming weeks, you should expect to see everyone walking around with chilly, clenched fists tucked into their sleeves. “It’s crazy how easily hands get cold and chapped during this time of year,” explained head researcher Dr.

Documentary Filmmaker Must Be Shaking Camera On Purpose | Dec 09 2016

While shooting her newest documentary on climate change, filmmaker Bruna Damon appeared to be shaking the camera on purpose, sources report Tuesday. “This movie is going to reveal some hard truths about the future of our planet that others would rather ignore,” said Damon, flailing her arms up and down as she attempted to capture a shot of the White House.

R-Rated Superhero Film Just Protagonist Gunning Down Opponents While Saying “Fuck” Over And Over | Dec 09 2016

Sources on the set of upcoming R-rated superhero flick “Painmeister” report that the movie just consists of the hero gunning down his opponents while saying “fuck” repeatedly for two hours. “Audiences have been craving a superhero movie aimed at adults, where things aren’t just black and white.

Gold Miner Who's Really Bad At His Job Only Finding A Bunch Of Diamonds | Dec 09 2016

Sources report that gold miner James Bennett, having dredged nothing but diamonds from the Yukon River bed for the tenth consecutive day, is really bad at his job. “There’s nothing more depressing than sifting through all these enormous, sparkling diamonds and seeing no hints of gold,” said Bennett, admitting that he just doesn’t seem to be suited for this kind of work.

Everyone In CVS Watching Woman Crash And Burn At Self Checkout Register | Dec 09 2016

According to eyewitnesses at the Thayer Street CVS last Tuesday night, area woman Annabelle Lincoln really crashed and burned at the self checkout register. “I thought using the machine would save time since I only had two items,” explained Lincoln.

Off Campus (Dec 09 2016 issue)