The Brown Noser

Yellow SciLi Discovered In Dubai Airport

According to Brown students and alumni traveling through the Middle Eastern city, the SciLi has a twin in the Dubai airport. “I had a connection through Dubai while visiting home over break,” said Senior Ariana Chu. “And I saw this huge, yellow, brutalist building.

Everyone In First Floor of Rock Taking A Break to Talk With Friends

Explaining that none of the seventy-four students are studying, sources report that everyone in the first floor study area of the Rock is taking a break to talk with friends. “Nobody here has been studying for at least the last hour,” said Sophomore Kerry Andrews, who is standing at a friend’s table talking with them.

Student Wonders if Whispering “Bless You” In Lecture Will Count Towards Participation

Piping up for the very first time in her anthropology lecture this week, freshman Jolie Hartman silently wondered if her polite “bless you” to a classmate would count towards class participation. As the spring semester barrels forward, Hartman has taken astute notice of the participation requirement for ANTH100 and hopes her comment warrants some credit.

Elon Musk Hiring Noser Staffers To Make New, Slightly Lower-Quality Satirical News Website

After news broke that he hired ex-Onion staffers to launch a new comedy website, Elon Musk announced his hiring of Brown Noser staffers to make a slightly lower-quality satirical news website. “I saw what they had done in The Noser, and I knew they would be perfect for my new project,” said Musk, explaining his goal of adding a low-grade satirical website to his growing media empire.

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"Call Me By Your Name" Would Have Been Perfect If Our Director Included The Thirty-Minute Car Chase We Filmed by Timothee Chalamet

It has been the honor of a lifetime to act in a film such as “Call Me By Your Name.” I’m grateful for the incredible experience I had while filming and the incredible reception we have gotten from critics and the public. And I fully believe the film deserves all the praise it’s getting.

Why Do Brown Bears Admirers Posts Keep Getting My Height, Hair, Location, Ethnicity, Clothes, and Name Wrong?

Come on guys. It’s not that hard. I’m not going to going to pay attention to your BBA posts if you can’t get basic facts about my height, hair, location, ethnicity, clothes, and name correct. Adoration can be difficult to express in words. I understand that, truly.

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You Gotta Try Putting Pesto On Your Pasta, FDA Reports

A study released by the Food and Drug Administration on Monday revealed that you gotta try putting pesto on your pasta. The study which included FDA scientists testing the basil based sauce on various types of pasta concluded that, yup, it’s a good combination.

Hungover Priest Just Showing Movie For Homily Today

Guy Wearing Shorts in Snow Must be Tough, Rugged Individual

Sources report that local man Al Nicco, who wears shorts even when it’s snowing, must be a tough and rugged individual. Nicco, who has never been sighted wearing long pants in the winter, has been touted by strangers as a shining example of resilience and self-reliance.

Shitty Grandma Doesn’t Even Know How To Knit

According to her grandchildren, Pawtucket grandmother Lindsey Trent doesn’t even know how to knit. “You expect certain things from a grandmother,” said her grandson Malik, “And one of those things is that she knits. She knits a lot. Sure, Grandma loves tea and buys us really generous Christmas gifts.

Recent NPR News Hour Just 60 Minutes of Jazzy Clarinet Interludes

NPR’s “Morning Edition” skipped the news today in favor of a uninterrupted hour of jazzy clarinet interludes, listeners report. Although the popular radio program touts itself as a leader in world news, this morning it delivered obscure jazz in lieu of hard-hitting stories right up until “Morning Concert” took the air at 9:00.

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Facebook Admits That if you Get the Password Close They’ll Let You Login

Explaining that it is difficult to remember long passwords exactly, officials at Facebook admitted that if you get your password close enough the website will log you in. “It’s not a big deal if you forget a capital letter or mistype one number,” said Chris Cox, Facebook’s Chief Product Manager, explaining that it would be too difficult for every user to get an eight-or-more character password right every time they tried to log in.

Children Eschew Gadgets For The Enthralling Fun of Marbles

Forget Apple, Google, and Fisher Price; kids these days are scrapping their gadgets for the enthralling fun of marbles. Marbles can be made from glass, agate, steel, clay, and plastic– but while the materials vary, the fun does not. “God, what a rush,” commented Carla Watkins, as her two sons’ mouths frothed with ecstasy.

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