The Brown Noser

Man Lies About Being God On Resume | Mar 06 2015

Saying that he embellishes a bit to give him an edge in the job market, area man Todd Brinkley lies about being God on his resume. “I know employers are aware of this kind of thing, but I figure they’ll never actually look it up, so I decided to just tell them that I’m God,” Brinkley said, adding that he figured he’d try to attain a little advantage over other applicants by telling employers he is the omnipotent and omniscient creator of all things.

Frustrated Programmer Can’t Get Beep Boop Machine To Beep Enough | Mar 06 2015

Throwing his arms up in the air, local programmer Abe Steiglitz recently expressed frustration at his inability to get his beep boop machine to beep enough. Steiglitz, who has been working on the issue since arriving at the big beep boop code company earlier this morning, has reportedly tried all of the usual beep-coaxing tricks to no avail.

Kraft CEO Promises Oscar Mayer Hot Dogs Made From Real Pigs Who Play In Fields With Chihuahuas And Become YouTube Famous | Mar 06 2015

Calling animal welfare a core concern of Kraft Foods, CEO John Cahill reassured consumers last Tuesday that Oscar Mayer pigs play in open fields with chihuahuas and become YouTube famous before they are slaughtered, sent down a conveyer belt, and made into hot dogs.

Report: Stock Market Ticked A Lot Today | Mar 06 2015

In a development that has rocked the financial world, the stock market ticked a lot today. This includes loud ticks, soft ticks, and a few really loud ticks. Although the general mood among traders on the floor was that these ticks were not good, some were quite pleased by all of the ticks.

A Cappella Group Announces Intentions To Do Some Subway Bullshit | Mar 06 2015

Campus a cappella group The Barnstormers announced at a Wednesday press conference that they will, at some point this year, do that thing like what happens on New York subways where they all start singing some bullshit song on public transit. “The time has come to expand upon the traditions of carol-singing, Ratty singing, and arch singing,” said group member Stanley Haas ’16 from a stage of disgustingly peppy individuals.

Beat Boxer Very, Very Bad | Mar 06 2015

Making loud, arrhythmic noises with his mouth into a microphone, 21-year-old beat boxer Juan Robles is very, very bad, sources confirm. “Beat boxing sounds good sometimes, but when Juan does it, it sounds really bad!” said concertgoer Mickey Piddman, citing Robles’ inability to hold a steady bass line or complement the melody with inspired syncopation.

Classics Concentrator Expected More Led Zep | Mar 06 2015

Evan Kaufman ‘15 confessed yesterday that, as a classics concentrator, he expected more Led Zep as part of his curriculum. “There’ve been so many great professors and classes,” Kaufman said. “As a classics major, I learned so much about ancient texts and cultures.

If Everyone In Friend Group Put Facial Hair Together It Would Make Full Beard | Mar 06 2015

Noting that each friend has a different patch of hair on his face, students told reporters that if Mike Harbaugh ’16 and his friends put their facial hair together it would probably make a full beard. “Mike has those weird sideburns and Terry has that patch on the bottom of his chin,” said Tom Toppard ‘16.

It Not Apparent How You're Supposed To Dry Your Hands In This Bathroom | Mar 06 2015

Reporting from this bathroom, sources confirmed this afternoon that it’s not totally clear how you’re supposed to dry your hands after washing them. Sources close to the situation reported that although there are multiple receptacles clearly designed to hold paper towels, all of them are empty.

No One Sure How "Hunky Jeff" Got That Nickname | Mar 06 2015

Friends and acquaintances of Jeffrey “Hunky Jeff” Fitzsimmons ‘16 admitted yesterday that they had no idea how he ended up with that nickname. “He’s not ugly,” said Ramon Stevens ‘16, Hunky Jeff’s roommate. “Like, it would be weird to call him Ugly Jeff, too.

Parents Not Pleased Jimmy Independent Concentrating in Yeah Jimmy! Go Jimmy! You Rule Kiddo! Studies | Mar 06 2015

Jimmy Langdon ’17’s parents are not very happy about his independent concentration in Yeah Jimmy! Go Jimmy! You Rule Kiddo! Studies. “We knew a well-rounded liberal arts education was important to him, so we’d given up on a traditional pre-professional major,” said Roger Langdon, Jimmy’s father.

Tour Guide Spends 80% Of Tour Bragging About Her Ability To Walk Backwards | Mar 06 2015

Brown University tour guide Renee Hellner ’16 spent approximately 80 percent of her tour Wednesday bragging about her ability to walk backwards, according to tour-goers. Hellner began the tour by asking tour-goers to let her know if there was someone or something behind her because she would in fact be walking backwards for the full hour.

Professor's Beard Clearly Just Thousands Of Ants | Mar 06 2015

Despite the instructor’s best efforts, students and faculty confirm that Professor of Environmental Studies Edgar Hamline’s facial hair is clearly just thousands of black ants he put on his face. “He’s not fooling anyone,” said Halle Weaver ‘18, noting that beards don’t crawl around and that ants are incredibly easy to identify.

Self-Conscious Sea Monster Terrorizes With Shirt On | Mar 06 2015

Rothmar, a 350,000-year-old plesiosaur that lives deep in the Pacific Ocean has recently been seen lurking beneath the waves while wearing an enormous white t-shirt to cover its monster belly. Earlier this month, leading researcher Karen Gibson’s entire crew was devoured before her eyes by the raging, insecure leviathan.

Campus Life (Mar 06 2015 issue)