The Brown Noser

Singer-Songwriter-Arsonist Thinks of Self Primarily as Songwriter | Nov 02 2012

In an interview given yesterday for the online music magazine Pitchfork, singer-songwriter-arsonist Fred Marsden said that he primarily focuses his attention on his songwriting.

Weird Sound Coming from Man Chained to Radiator | Nov 02 2012

Providence homeowner and pharmacist Terry Grossman reported yesterday that he is now seriously unnerved by the persistent sound coming from the man chained to his radiator. “It’d be okay if it were a constant hum,” said Grossman. “It’s that sporadic banging around and yelping that really spooks me.

Romney to Shove Cantaloupes Up His Nose in Appeal to Surrealist Voters | Nov 02 2012

As part of a last-ditch effort to shore up his standing in swing states, Mitt Romney has brought out a surprise weapon: cantaloupes, inside his nose, in front of audiences.

Ralph Nader Trying to Figure Out How He Can Fuck This One Up | Nov 02 2012

With Election Day fast approaching, Green Party activist and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader has his staff working around the clock to figure out if there is any possible way for him to completely fuck everything up. “I know I’m not running this time, so things are maybe different,” said Nader this week to members of his staff.

Palestinian Father Takes Sons to Airstrike Show | Nov 02 2012

Last Sunday at 5 a.m., Khalid Farouki, 31, rushed into his sons’ room, shook them awake and hurriedly snuck them out of the house to watch his neighborhood’s weekly airstrike show—a local tradition for the whole family to enjoy.

Obama's New Llama Gets in All Kinds of Drama | Nov 02 2012

In the nation’s latest election-year drama, President Obama’s new llama suggested we bomb a collegian Peloponnesian region to increase our prestige in the region. This suggestion was met with skepticism by voters, who widely believed that the llama suggested this only for the sake of the rhyme.

New Study Finds 85 Percent of Noises Outside Are Criminals Shooting at Your House | Nov 02 2012

A new report released by University of Chicago sociologist Patrick Wessel revealed some surprising facts about the source of nighttime noises outside your home. According to the study, roughly 85 percent of the sounds are made by criminals shooting directly at your home with a gun.

Area Man Mistakes Filthy Pigeon Feather for Sign from the Universe | Nov 02 2012

Providence resident David Manville recently came across a dirty pigeon feather on Thayer Street and, mistaking it for the “sign, any sign” he had been looking for, pocketed the feather for safekeeping. Manville, a self-professed shell of the man he once was, had resolved to “just let the universe” be the guiding force in his life only a few minutes earlier.

Area Stepmother Fashions Goldfish Coffin Out of Day’s Second Pack of Cigarettes | Nov 02 2012

At 12:30 p.m., Timothy Cooper, age 6, and his new stepmother, Shelly Hamilton-Cooper, buried his recently deceased pet fish in Hamilton-Cooper’s second pack of empty cigarettes of the day. “I was sad at first that my fish was gone,” stated Timothy, next to the tiny mound of dirt with a post-it stuck to a wine cork reading “RIP Fish” acting as a tomb stone.

Boy’s Cries of “Wolf” Disputed Upon Review of Questionable Wolf-Crying Track Record | Nov 02 2012

Authorities and village persons have called into question a local boy’s cries of “wolf” after considering the boy’s somewhat dubious wolf-crying track record. “According to shepherd testimony, on two previous occasions, said boy issued fallacious cries of ‘wolf’ in an effort to publicly humiliate local shepherds,” remarked Chief Investigator and village blacksmith Michael Cunningham at a press conference held Thursday evening.

Eighth-Graders to Share Headphones in Back of Bus | Nov 02 2012

Eisenhower Middle School students Fred Pacer and Sydney Jackson plan to share a pair of headphones in the back seat of the school bus this afternoon. The pair’s announcement comes after several moments of awkward and prolonged eye contact in second-period Science, fifth-period Music and hallway break period over the past few days.

Jimmy Cracks Corn, Nation Up in Arms | Nov 02 2012

In what is being called an “unforgivable act” by enraged citizens across the U.S., Jimmy cracked corn early yesterday morning, sparking nationwide ramifications and presenting an immediate challenge to Congress and the White House.

Grizzled Old U.S. Customs Officer Warns Trouble Lies Yonder | Nov 02 2012

“Ye’d best just stay away,” said Jennings McCormack, a World War II veteran with a glass eye and permanent scowl, as he gestured past the looming border fence. “There’s trouble brewing across that border. I can feel it in my bones.”

Off Campus (Nov 02 2012 issue)