The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Oct 26 2018 issue)

Nervous Nurse Needs Hand To Hold While Administering Flu Shot | Oct 26 2018

Sources report that Nurse Florence Barton has been really nervous about each flu shot she has given this flu season and has needed a comforting hand to hold while administering the vaccine. “She was sweating profusely and asked if she could squeeze my hand,” explained one of Barton’s patients, who assured the nurse that the process would be over in a matter of seconds and just feel like a little pinch.

Four-Year-Old Torn Between Becoming Train Kid Or Dinosaur Kid | Oct 26 2018

Sources report that four-year-old Mikey Cassmeier has been struggling to decide whether he wants to become a train kid or a dinosaur kid. Cassmeier, on the cusp of developing a distinct personality, is torn between toting a plastic train everywhere he goes or, alternatively, constantly lugging around a small brontosaurus figurine.

ABC Releases New Charlie Brown Halloween Special Where All The Characters Turn To Bones | Oct 26 2018

As part of this year’s Halloween lineup, ABC announced last Tuesday that they’ll be airing a new Charlie Brown Halloween special that involves all the characters turning into bones. “People love ‘It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown’ and we wanted to do something similar but spookier,” explained ABC CEO, Channing Dungey.

Mom At Restaurant Pronounces Every Menu Item In Language Of Origin | Oct 26 2018

Local mom Theresa Clarke reportedly enunciated everything on the Gepetto’s menu with a heavy Italian accent while out for dinner with her family, sources report. “I’m fourth generation Italian and I’ve never rolled my ‘r’ on arancini as long as she did,” noted waiter Ross Trigo as Clarke pronounced “ziti” with fourteen syllables.

Report: Oh, Ok, Acquaintance Going In For Hug | Oct 26 2018

After an unplanned run-in with acquaintance Ali Kniep in the Blue Room, senior Shelly Emmers reported that, oh, ok, she’s going in for a hug. “I was expecting a friendly nod, maybe a wave," said Emmers, adding that she was in one class with Kniep and that they talked a little, but not enough to deserve a hug.

Area Man Thinks It’s Probably Time To Wash Towel | Oct 26 2018

Local man Steve Buckley has definitely lost track of the last time he washed his towel, sources report. “I only have one towel so I can’t just throw it into the machine whenever I want, you know what I mean?” commented Buckley, considering the limp, suspiciously pigmented piece of fabric hanging on the back of his door.

Woman Applying Body Lotion Feels Like One Fancy Lady | Oct 26 2018

As she applied a generous pump of body lotion to her legs, area woman Megan Sullivan reported that she was feeling like one fancy lady. “This is the definition of luxury,” commented Sullivan, reveling in the spa-like aroma and satiny finish of the moisturizer.

Comedian Spends Entire Set Taking Tiny, Nervous Sips of Water | Oct 26 2018

During a local open mic night, amauteur comedian Jo Bartles spent his entire set taking tiny, nervous sips of water. Although Bartles carefully positioned a glass of water on the stool next to him when he took the stage, audience members had no idea that this would be the peak of his 5-minute set.

Catering Company Can’t Stop Making Food Tinier And Tinier | Oct 26 2018

Head chef Dave Davilo of local catering company Davilo Catering can’t seem to stop making the company’s passed appetizers tinier and tinier. “It started with the burgers,” explained Dave, “One day in the kitchen I had the idea to make them a little bit smaller.

Woman Desperately Clings To Her Own Thought As Friends Talk | Oct 26 2018

This past week, sources reported that local woman Cathy Zhou found herself unable to vocalize a great thought she’d had during an animated conversation with three of her friends. “We were just talking,” Zhou later said, “And then Allison said something that reminded me of this think piece that I’d read that was really interesting.

Man At Campfire Thinks You Might Want To Throw Another Log On There | Oct 26 2018

Multiple sources have confirmed that campfire attendee, Theo Kilbridge, thinks you might want to throw another log on there. “It’s getting kinda low,” noted Kilbridge right before he held up his hands to the fire to feel the warmth. “The perfect marshmallow sticks are the ones that are pointy and long so you don’t burn yourself. Wow, we sure made a great fire!” At press time Kilbridge suggested that someone should “probably pour some water on it to make sure it’s really out.”