The Brown Noser

Brown To Require Students To Purchase “Lobster Sundays” Dining Add-On To Improve Food Security

According to a statement released Friday, Brown will require all students to purchase a new “Lobster Sundays” dining add-on in an effort to strengthen food security on campus. Under the new policy, students will receive a “delicious lobster lunch” every Sunday at the Sharpe Refectory for a mandatory fee.

Tight-Knit Unit Holds Hands Everywhere They Go

Meandering across campus in a serpentine line, students in freshman Unit 12 have become so close-knit in the first two weeks of school that they all hold hands everywhere they go. “We just really get along,” said Polly McGarron, intertwining her fingers with her unit mates on either side.

Cool, Smart World Leaders Continue To Make Good Decisions

Sources reported Tuesday that cool, smart world leaders continued to make really good decisions. The brilliant leaders, collectively responsible for the world’s environment, governments, and economies, were seen doing really good things that are actively improving people’s lives as well as the world at large.

English Concentrator Ready To Return From Summer Of Relaxed Reading To Semester Of Relaxed Reading

After a long summer of relaxed reading, English concentrator Alex Springer returned to campus ready for another semester of relaxed reading. “Summer is great, but sitting at home with a bunch of downtime to read can get boring after a while,” Springer said.

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We Need More Women-Empowering Comedy So From Now On I Will Only Write Headlines About Bras

I’ll be the first to say it: it’s not easy to be a woman in comedy. A longtime “boys’ club,” writers’ rooms across this country are in desperate need of material that actively includes and empowers women. As a woman in comedy myself, I feel an urgent responsibility to bring this initiative to my own work at The Brown Noser, which brings me to the following declaration: From now on, I will only write headlines about bras.

Volcanoes Are Harmless and People Should Build More Cities Near Them by Corvus Pinochet, Dictator of the Center of the Earth

Hello, surface dwellers! You may not have known this, but there’s a thriving and extremely normal, definitely not cursed civilization under the very ground you walk on! We’ve been listening to the pitter-patter of your surface dweller steps for thousands of years.

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Sexy Man In Movie Also Sexy Man In Real Life

Audiences across the nation report that the sexy man in that movie is also a sexy man in real life. “He was so sexy in that movie,” a wide-eyed moviegoer said of the man. “And he’s so sexy when he’s not in movies. I thought it was just a costume that was making him so hot. But in pictures without that costume he is equally hot. It’s incredible.” Additionally, it appears that the short man in that movie is a short man in real life, too.

Pig Has No Fucking Clue Why He Can Find Truffles Either

Area pig Torvald has no fucking clue why he can find truffles either. As he trotted purposefully through a thick forest vigorously sniffing to detect the famous mushroom delicacy, Torvald expressed bewilderment at his abilities. “It doesn’t make any goddamn sense but here I am,” Torvald grunted.

One Guy On Laugh Track Just Screaming

Sources report that one man recorded on a Big Bang Theory laugh track is just screaming. Viewers noticed the shrieking man during an episode that aired on CBS Thursday night. “At first, he didn’t really stand out amongst the usual chuckles, chortles, and guffaws that the showrunners play to highlight situational humor,” recalled viewer Janie Oliver.

Area Woman Not Friendly, Just Flirting

Area woman Michelle Ryder reported that she is not actually friendly. She was just flirting. “The assumption that I’m being friendly just for the sake of being a nice person is really exhausting,” Ryder added. “I wish people would realize that I’m just trying to get laid.” Ryder further explained that this is not a new problem.

Beachgoer Completely Transfixed By Smooth Rock

Picking up a stone while walking along the shoreline, beachgoer Mandy Norton was immediately transfixed by the smooth rock she had found. “I just can’t believe how round and flawless this rock is,” Norton marveled while staring intently at the pebble she picked out of the sand.

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FDA Admits Smoking Still Very, Very Cool

FDA acting chief Chard Wilson admitted during a press conference Thursday that smoking is still very, very cool. “We’ve been studying the long-term stresses smoking places on multiple human body systems for decades,” Wilson told reporters. “Smoking is functionally equivalent to paying someone to slowly kill you with poison, but it also does make you look badass and maybe even a little sophisticated, if you can pull off that vibe.” A panel of FDA-affiliated researchers begrudgingly supported Wilson’s claims.

Fully Autonomous Horse Beats Tesla To Market By 55 Million Years

In a recent press conference, transportation expert Fred Greenfickle announced that a fully autonomous horse beat Tesla to market by 55 million years. “In February, Tesla announced plans to release a self-driving vehicle by 2020,” Greenfickle said.

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