The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Sep 13 2019 issue)

Sexy Man In Movie Also Sexy Man In Real Life | Sep 13 2019

Audiences across the nation report that the sexy man in that movie is also a sexy man in real life. “He was so sexy in that movie,” a wide-eyed moviegoer said of the man. “And he’s so sexy when he’s not in movies. I thought it was just a costume that was making him so hot. But in pictures without that costume he is equally hot. It’s incredible.” Additionally, it appears that the short man in that movie is a short man in real life, too.

Pig Has No Fucking Clue Why He Can Find Truffles Either | Sep 13 2019

Area pig Torvald has no fucking clue why he can find truffles either. As he trotted purposefully through a thick forest vigorously sniffing to detect the famous mushroom delicacy, Torvald expressed bewilderment at his abilities. “It doesn’t make any goddamn sense but here I am,” Torvald grunted.

One Guy On Laugh Track Just Screaming | Sep 13 2019

Sources report that one man recorded on a Big Bang Theory laugh track is just screaming. Viewers noticed the shrieking man during an episode that aired on CBS Thursday night. “At first, he didn’t really stand out amongst the usual chuckles, chortles, and guffaws that the showrunners play to highlight situational humor,” recalled viewer Janie Oliver.

Area Woman Not Friendly, Just Flirting | Sep 13 2019

Area woman Michelle Ryder reported that she is not actually friendly. She was just flirting. “The assumption that I’m being friendly just for the sake of being a nice person is really exhausting,” Ryder added. “I wish people would realize that I’m just trying to get laid.” Ryder further explained that this is not a new problem.

Beachgoer Completely Transfixed By Smooth Rock | Sep 13 2019

Picking up a stone while walking along the shoreline, beachgoer Mandy Norton was immediately transfixed by the smooth rock she had found. “I just can’t believe how round and flawless this rock is,” Norton marveled while staring intently at the pebble she picked out of the sand.

Dad Just Itching To Go Buy Milk | Sep 13 2019

Calling back home to ask whether the gallon of 2% he bought earlier in the week was gone yet, local dad Joe Graham was clearly just itching to go buy some milk. “There’s still a little bit left in there? Can you go smell it to check if we could use some more?” Graham asked his daughter over the phone while waiting patiently in Walmart’s dairy aisle for a reason to pick up some milk.

Dental Hygienist And Dentist Clearly Employing Some Sort Of Good Cop, Bad Cop Strategy | Sep 13 2019

Patients of Sarah Marsh DDS have reported that the dentist and her hygienist, Emily Phillips, are clearly employing some sort of good cop, bad cop strategy in their practice. “The hygienist was so sweet,” patient Joe Clemente said after a disorienting appointment with the pair.

Disney Quietly Acquires Entire US Government | Sep 13 2019

Disney announced their acquisition of the entire United States government during a short press conference Tuesday. “Our team here at Disney is excited to collaborate with the United States to grow their geopolitical brand and broaden their media reach by integrating Disney’s resources and the U.S.

Guy Way Too Old For Sarcastic T-Shirt | Sep 13 2019

Sources reported that area man Dolan Jorpe is absolutely way too old for his sarcastic t-shirt, which has a graphic of a loading bar with text that reads Sarcastic Comment Loading.’ “Oh yikes,” said passerby Kelsey Reid, noticing the haunting relic of mid-2000s adolescent internet culture that Jorpe deliberately put on his body before going out in public.

Little Kid’s Dinosaur Obsession Less Cute After He Admits He Just Wants To Know How They’d Taste | Sep 13 2019

Looking on with concern as their young son played with his plastic dinosaurs, local couple Greg and Amanda Cassmeier concluded that the 5-year-old’s dinosaur obsession is significantly less cute now that he’s admitted he just wants to know how the prehistoric creatures would taste.

Mom Googles A Full Sentence | Sep 13 2019

Looking to find the hours of her local deli, local mom Jessica McDonald recently searched in Google “What time is Manny’s Sandwich shop open until on Tuesdays?” The query, which contained both proper capitalization and punctuation, confounded onlookers.

Old Dog Wearing Vest Now | Sep 13 2019

Sources reported that local old dog Sally is wearing a vest now. “We bought Sally this vest a while back to see if she liked it and eventually it turned into a daily thing,” said owner Jean Lowe. “She’s almost 13, so we sort of let her do what she wants.

Report: Baby Hates Being Waved At | Sep 13 2019

A team of pediatric specialists at the Roger Williams Medical Center have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, area baby Oliver Welbourn hates being waved at. “We ran Oliver through a series of psychological tests that conclusively proved that he absolutely loathes any sort of wave or other friendly gesture aimed in his direction,” lead researcher Miriam McCallister reported, adding that even a wave accompanied by a silly face is detestable to the 6-month-old infant.

Report: Free T-Shirt One Of Those Soft Ones | Sep 13 2019

Volunteers at the Woonsocket 5k Charity Run have reported that the free t-shirts they received are those soft ones. “Oooooh we’re being pampered,” said Tess Baskin, one of the volunteers who was pleasantly surprised by the exceptionally plush t-shirts. “It’s that heathered grey fabric that’s so so soft. This is a step above your typical free shirt, that’s for sure.” At press time, Baskin noted that the t-shirt would be great for sleeping in.

Report: Rabbit Really Still | Sep 13 2019

According to witnesses, that rabbit is just really still. Illuminated by street lamps late in the evening, it can be seen doing absolutely nothing at all. “Even as I move closer it is still very still,” one eyewitness observed. “I mean, if you really examine it, you can maybe see its nose quivering. But that’s it.” By press time, the rabbit had finally scampered away to go be really still in a different location.

Text From Scott Transforms Emily’s Slumber Party Into Chaotic Frenzy | Sep 13 2019

During a birthday sleepover last weekend, an unexpected text from Scott sent Emily’s slumber party into a fit of chaos. Reading simply, “happy bday,” the text caused birthday girl Emily Jefferson to shriek with unbridled excitement, interrupting a previously lackluster truth or dare circle.

Venmo Memos Area Man’s Main Creative Outlet | Sep 13 2019

Chuckling to himself as he gleefully selected a series of emojis to accompany a payment to his friend, area man Scott Wendell made it clear that Venmo memos serve as his primary creative outlet. “It’s so fun!” he exclaimed, scrolling through his past memos that had each given him a tiny burst of creative stimulation.

Writer Wishes Her Family Was A Little More Fucked Up | Sep 13 2019

Staring at a blank Word document and thinking back on a generally pleasant, comfortable childhood, local writer Cindy Stockton wished her family was a little more fucked up. “This would be a lot easier if I had some deep, underlying trauma caused by my dysfunctional family that’s been haunting me for years,” Stockton said.

“Dry” Clearly Only Wine Term Man Knows | Sep 13 2019

Diners at a local restaurant report that an area man obviously has a wine vocabulary that’s entirely limited to “dry.” The man’s pedestrian understanding of wine was revealed when he brashly decided to order wine for himself and his date. “When the sommelier asked this guy what kind of wine they wanted, he spent a few seconds scrutinizing the menu before requesting ‘something on the dryer side’,” a fellow diner recalled.