Eyeing construction of the new dormitory on Brook Street, Fox Point gem Aaron’s Best Bagels was just glad it was getting demolished to be replaced with a building in which 18-year-olds can have sex.
“It’s sad to say goodbye after so many years serving our Providence neighbors,” said owner and Fox Point resident Mikey Tumbles, reflecting on Brown purchasing and subsequently demolishing the family business to make space for yet another dorm.
Pausing a Call of Duty session at his friend’s house, local seventh grader Samuel Zhang reported that, oh shit, his friend is yelling at his mom right now.
“We were just playing video games when his mom came in to ask him to take out the trash,” recalled Zhang, serving as unwilling audience to the mother-son tiff.
During Saturday’s Christian Conversion panel in Poughkeepsie, NY, missionary William O’Shaunessy assured possible converts that the beginning of the Bible starts slow, but really picks up later.
“The beginning is mostly all exposition,” urged O’Shaunessy, showing off his own mangled Bible complete with annotations and tabs.
Sources at the Aquidneck Horse Camp For Girls report that, whoa, there, hey now, steady, boy.
“Whooooaa, there, boss, steady boy,” reported competitive rider Tallulah Banks last Sunday morning, pulling back the reins on her gorgeous, silky stallion.
As he began to leave his chambers to bestow knowledge on a passing group of travelers, aging, feeble wizard Flamodius the Wise felt immense regret that he had decided to live at the top of an incredibly tall tower with 10,000 steps.
“It certainly felt like the right choice at the time,” said Flamodius, recalling the day he set up shop in the spindly, vertiginous tower, which is located on an isolated mountain peak.
Letting out a deep, satisfied sigh as she eats her food, area woman Laura Paine is having a snack of apple, bread, and cheese like she is a medieval peasant wife taking a respite from the day’s labor in the cowshed.
“Yum!” said Paine, eating her simple snack as if it were the only earthly joy a woman in the 1300’s offers herself as she relaxes for just one blissful moment, shading herself beside the milking cows.
Bro, this concert is fucking lit. Wait, man, you’ve got beer running down your back — lemme lick it off for you. I know I’m not supposed to or whatever, but I honestly feel like we’re all gonna get COVID at some point.
We can’t let the pandemic keep us from doing things forever.
Alack! What grave, grave misfortune! Evening last, my husband, the High Count Antonio Borrellinono gambled away my very last ducat. His misfortune at the cards has laid my purse completely bare.
What is to become of me? If the count were to cast me out, I would be penniless! Many nights, he dines at the Desenzano, overlooking the Riviera, where he drinks much prosecco.