Pausing a Call of Duty session at his friend’s house, local seventh grader Samuel Zhang reported that, oh shit, his friend is yelling at his mom right now.
“We were just playing video games when his mom came in to ask him to take out the trash,” recalled Zhang, serving as unwilling audience to the mother-son tiff.
During Saturday’s Christian Conversion panel in Poughkeepsie, NY, missionary William O’Shaunessy assured possible converts that the beginning of the Bible starts slow, but really picks up later.
“The beginning is mostly all exposition,” urged O’Shaunessy, showing off his own mangled Bible complete with annotations and tabs.
Sources at the Aquidneck Horse Camp For Girls report that, whoa, there, hey now, steady, boy.
“Whooooaa, there, boss, steady boy,” reported competitive rider Tallulah Banks last Sunday morning, pulling back the reins on her gorgeous, silky stallion.
As he began to leave his chambers to bestow knowledge on a passing group of travelers, aging, feeble wizard Flamodius the Wise felt immense regret that he had decided to live at the top of an incredibly tall tower with 10,000 steps.
“It certainly felt like the right choice at the time,” said Flamodius, recalling the day he set up shop in the spindly, vertiginous tower, which is located on an isolated mountain peak.
Letting out a deep, satisfied sigh as she eats her food, area woman Laura Paine is having a snack of apple, bread, and cheese like she is a medieval peasant wife taking a respite from the day’s labor in the cowshed.
“Yum!” said Paine, eating her simple snack as if it were the only earthly joy a woman in the 1300’s offers herself as she relaxes for just one blissful moment, shading herself beside the milking cows.
According to sources near the Martin household, newborn baby Debra has been freaking everyone out. “I’ve just never met a baby named Debra,” commented Debra’s babysitter Christine, eyeing the swaddled infant, whose name is Debra. “Something about the thought of having to change Debra’s diapers, drive Debra to daycare, help Debra get changed.
According to area teenager Emily Falk, her mother keeps butter in a special refrigerator compartment as though it were a minor deity.
“It could totally be on a shelf with the rest of the food,” said Falk, as her mother gingerly lifted the butter back into its resting place as one would lift a graven idol of the cow god Baal.
In a city-wide announcement issued Tuesday, Providence City Comptroller Aaron Greenley unveiled his groundbreaking plan to figure out what his job is.
“It’s high time that our city officials commit to some bureaucratic transparency,” said Greenley, promising to fulfill his comptrolling duties to the fullest as soon as he learns what that entails.
While watching the recently released Marvel movie The Eternals, local film buff Andrea Sanders noted the closed captioning’s overuse of the word “whimsical.” “Pretty much every time there was music, the captions read ‘whimsical music plays,’” complained Sanders, gesturing to the captions of a drawn-out death scene.
Responding to his son’s inquiry into how things are going, area dad Bill Henderson reported that he was living the dream. “Livin’ the dream, champ. Livin’ the dream,” Henderson reported, appraising the various yardwork tasks he had to do that day. “Doesn’t get much better than this. Just a man, his mower, and his land. Can’t get better than this.” At press time, Mom reported that everything was awful.
According to local teenager Tyler Frasier, his dad Bill won’t stop calling weed “pot.”
“You know, I used to smoke a little pot back in the day,” Bill Frasier said, fondly recalling the slang he used in his youth. “My buddies and I were always down for a bit of grass.”
These comments came in the wake of a recent investigation into Tyler’s sock drawer, where Tyler’s dad reportedly found “a dime-bag of pot and a couple of spliffs,” according to sources.
Sources report that this guy on a first date loves his little brother or some other annoying bullshit like that.
“Yeah, my little brother is actually really important to me,” said Mitchell Wester, flashing a stupid smile. “He gets bullied sometimes and it’s been really hard for him and honestly, I swear, it breaks my heart.”
“We have like these inside jokes and stuff, it’s hilarious,” continued Wester, while having dumb facial hair.
Sources report that theater kid David Walker’s portrayal of a straight love interest is really starting to push audiences’ suspension of disbelief.
“Let me be clear, I was fully on board for the musical’s spells, talking plants, and levitation,” audience member Jane Nguyen explained.
Waving his hand in a show of friendliness, your hostel roommate Axel Franz greets you with an exuberant “Hallo!” and his pubes all over your shared sink. “So, where you are from?!,” asks Franz, shamelessly aware of the gift he left in the only source of running water you have for the next three days.
Local mom Linda Harling confirmed yesterday that Grandma had so few objects in her suitcase when she immigrated to the United States in 1912.
“She stepped onto the gold-paved streets of New Jersey clutching a huge trunk packed with only a scarf and a can of beans,” said Harling.
Sources at Brandon’s bar mitzvah afterparty confirm that his little brother Michael, who is currently writhing around on the dance floor doing the worm, is a one-trick pony.
“It was dope when he did it at Josh’s laser tag birthday,” said Michael’s best friend Kyle, looking anywhere but at Michael’s floor-wriggling.
Revealing they now feel skeptical of every park bench they encounter, sources report that the man recently honored by a local park bench isn’t even dead yet. “Are we sure that this is allowed?” asked concerned citizen Jeff Gossamer, who was almost positive that death was a prerequisite for having a park bench named after you.
Sources report that Parisian Nighttimes, an English-language film set in France, is just gonna have every character speak in a British accent. “It’s just easier for everyone this way, don’t you think?” reported director Francis Heimlich, justifying his choice to have the British, French, and even German characters speak as though they all lived in London their entire lives.
Issuing a report after a recent youth baseball game, the nation’s dads concluded that that’s some arm you got there, kid.
“Nice throw, son,” said father and head researcher Todd Porter after a years-long, in-depth study. “You’ve got an arm on ya, that’s for sure.”
The study, which was published worldwide, detailed that that arm could get you places, son.
At a press conference on Wednesday, the nation’s security guards announced plans to turn their backs just as thieves dart across their video monitors. “We want to assure the public that when masked intruders enter the buildings we guard, we’ll make sure to be coincidentally distracted at the exact moment that our cameras catch the offenders breaking in,” said security guard Eric Plankson, who does the night shift at the biggest bank in the city.
Smithborough, Kentucky, a pathetic mid-sized city, is famous for a stupid little sandwich. “Welcome to Smithborough, home of the world-famous ‘Tasty Turkey,’” begins a brochure for the sad city, which could only manage to muster up a turkey sandwich as its selling point.
According to one hungry and clumsy source, that dropped grape is still rolling. “Huh, look at it go,” the hungry source mumbled, a look of awe on his face as he watched the wet, glossy grape roll all the way across the kitchen and then down a flight of stairs. “That’s really something.” At press time, the grape, now in the living room, showed no signs of slowing down.
Sources inside Ms. Clarke’s ninth-grade classroom report that holy crap they flipped right to that page haha. “Oh my god Ms. Clarke can you believe it I flipped right to that page haha,” reported student Jack Pickler after cracking his book open to the exact page Ms.
Media studies scholars at Colby College have reported that long-running CBS drama The Obelisk is the best show on television, except for seasons 1, 4, 6, the flashback episodes, and the finale.
“You have to skip the pilot,” said lead researcher Yang Wei.
Sources inside the Henderson household report that area mom Cheryl Henderson once did that at a Barry Manilow concert. “Oh that? Oh your mother sure knew how to do that back in the day,” said dad Bill Henderson, relating that your mother definitely tried a whole host of wacky stuff during a single 1988 performance of American singer-songwriter Barry Manilow.
According to a recent report, ope, mom’s phone flashlight is on again. “Honey help me turn this thing off, will you?” said Carrie Pilsby, fiddling with the volume and power buttons until being prompted to power down her phone. “Okay I figured it out but can you go into my phone and make sure that doesn’t happen again?” At press time, Pilsby was sliding her phone back in her coat, the flashlight still beaming through her pocket.
According to a report released by Mom at last Saturday’s dinner party, stop touching the nice lady’s jewelry — she’s our guest.
“Justin, it’s not very kind to touch people’s things without asking,” Mom reminded her rowdy son as he tugged on their neighbors’s gold earrings.
According to a recent press statement, Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) will reverse his ‘No’-vote on the Build Back Better Act in response to a heap of persuasive letters from Mrs. Jeffries’ sixth grade class.
“Up to now, I stood firmly against any federal investments in human infrastructure,” read Manchin’s press statement, referencing his staunch opposition which could only be wavered by a sack of letters from sixth grade civics students.
According to a new report from the American Academy of Pediatrics, goofy uncles possess forty percent of American toddlers’ noses.
“It’s really an astounding number of crucial body parts stolen,” said report coauthor Dr. Will Bearzansky, wrinkling his nose at the thought.
According to witnesses at Garfield Elementary, fourth grade teacher Mrs. Debuke was reportedly dangling an end-of-year pizza party over her students’ heads like it was some sort of hostage situation.
“You all need to follow my instructions very, very carefully,” Debuke said, bargaining with the fourth graders about a pizza party as if she were issuing a list of demands with life-or-death consequences.
The critically-acclaimed streaming series Ted Lasso, which concluded its second season late last year, is being hailed by viewers and critics alike as a powerful reminder that Apple TV+ exists.
“Ted Lasso is exactly the type of show we as a country need right now,” writes Vox television critic Anders Candler.
According to a recent exposé from Vox, that thing you own is good but also bad. “By all accounts, that thing you like is an environmental miracle. The company that manufactures it has achieved net-negative carbon emissions, eschewing fossil fuels in favor of wind, solar, and hydro power,” explained the ten-paged article, accompanied by a ninety-minute podcast.
Sources report that the Washington Post’s “Daily Digest” newsletter offers grim images of the recent hurricane in Indonesia and a recipe for easy-to-make artichoke dip.
“The devastation on the island of Bali is unbelievable,” read the most recent Digest.
Area woman Aisha Mitri is processing the brutal reality that she will never live in a tiny little mushroom house. “It just doesn’t seem fair. Sure, I may not be a little field mouse wearing a skirt made out of tulip petals, but damn it, I want to live in a miniature toadstool cottage!” lamented Mitri, who lives in a hulking, concrete atrocity of an apartment building, constructed in the late eighties by some soulless real estate firm.
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