The Brown Noser

Provost Locke’s New Apple Job Giving Brown Students Hope They Too Can Sell Out One Day

Sources report that Provost Richard Locke’s recent career transition to the new Vice President and Dean of Apple University is giving Brown students hope that they’ll also be able to sell out one day. “It’s truly an inspiration,” stated Nick Grainger ‘25 as he read a Brown Daily Herald article about Locke leaving his role at Brown.

Freshman Savoring Blue Raspberry Vodka Like It Fine Bordeaux Wine

Sources report that first-year Alexa Greenwald is savoring her plastic cup of blue raspberry vodka as if it’s an aged wine from the Bordeaux region of France. “I chose this 2022 Svedka for its dry, yet fruity, profile,” remarked Greenwald with the authority of a master sommelier.

Brown Facilities Announces Plans To Take All The Grass Out, Put It Back In Again

In an email to the Campus Community, Brown Facilities has announced an exciting new initiative to take all the grass out and put it back in again. “At the beginning of every new school year, Brown Facilities renews its commitment to a safer and more beautiful campus,” wrote Facilities Operations Manager Joel Diggory, fantasizing about tearing handfuls of grass out of Ruth Simmons Quad.

Film Bro’s Thesis Project Just 12-Minute Close-Up Of Woman Applying Lipstick

According to sources, MCM concentrator and film bro Max Cahill’s thesis project is just a twelve-minute close-up of a woman applying lipstick. “It’s sort of a microcosm for the natural way we’re born versus the layers we put on to be accepted by society,” said writer-director Max Cahill ’23 while adjusting the zoom lens so that only the woman’s lips were visible.

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Blue Room Croissonts Are Nothing Like Ze Ones In Paree Hon Hon Hon by Recently Returned Abroad Student

Croissants at the Blue Room? Hah! This is, how you say, to-tal gar-bahj! They are nothing like ze ones in Paree hon hon hon. Back in beautiful Paree, Alpine goat butter was baked into the dough, creating flaky perfection. Mon Dieu! All the ingredients were, how you say, na-chu-raal, so you can eat as many as you like without putting on weight.

Our Curriculum Is Open, So Why Can’t Our Relationship Be? by Tad Johnson, '26

Babe, I think we should talk. You know, these last few months have been some of the best of my life. I’ve enjoyed our nightly FaceTime calls, our weekend trips to the city, and even meeting your parents at that extremely awkward dinner at Olive Garden.

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19th-Century Pioneer Just Gonna Give Up In Iowa

Abraham Hutchins, a mid-1800s pioneer en route from Boston to California is just going to give up in Iowa. “Fuck it. You know what? This is fine. I’m fucking done, okay?” said Hutchins, stepping out of his covered wagon in rural Iowa, 1800 miles from his destination.

Dad’s Favorite Comedian Just Sexist

Thirty seconds into the start of local dad Ben Lingerman’s favorite comedy special, it became clear that comedian Ronny Scuttleman is just sexist. “Don’t you hate it when a woman tries to talk to you?” Scuttleman said as Lingerman chuckled.

Wine And Paint Class Makes It Easy For Adults To Paint Like Third Graders

Since it opened in 2019, wine and paint bar Brushstroke Corner has been making it easy for any adult to paint like a third grader. “When you step into Brushstroke Corner, we want you to unlock the creative juices you didn’t know you had,” said manager Stephanie Burch, staring admiringly at the malformed, bizarrely colored paintings of dogs and flowers lining the walls of her studio.

Area Woman Posts Selfie Hidden Amid Eight Photos Of Food And Windows

According to recent Instagram sources, area woman Jess Neeky just posted a sultry selfie watered down by several lukewarm photos she picked randomly from her camera roll. “In truth, I just wanted people to think I had accidentally dropped it in there,” said Neeky in a low whisper like some kind of secret agent.

Report: Guy Who Loves Home State Just From Delaware

In an enlightening discovery, sources indicate that Cameron Perez, who adores his home state, is really just from Delaware. “You’re from the city? Yeah, well if the city isn’t Dover, you’re missing out. New York pizza is nothing compared to a slice at Antonio’s on Maple St.,” Cameron remarked, showing photos that could be literally anywhere.

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Nature Documentary Has Clear Pro- Coral Reef Bias

According to media watchdogs, Netflix’s new nature documentary “Our Blue Marvel,” has a clear bias in favor of coral reefs. “For a show to claim that it’s nonfiction, it should be held to certain standards of impartiality,” wrote media journalist Raquel Norman for her organization, Fairness in Communication.

Report: Grandpa No Longer Passes The Turing Test

After years of steady cognitive decline, 89-year-old John Bleat officially no longer passes the Turing Test. “I began when I awoke, completed a variety of tasks and ate three meals as I do every day,” said Bleat when asked by his grandson how his day had been, his response failing to give any indication that he has more natural communication skills than a computer program.

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