Sources report that Provost Richard Locke’s recent career transition to the new Vice President and Dean of Apple University is giving Brown students hope that they’ll also be able to sell out one day.
“It’s truly an inspiration,” stated Nick Grainger ‘25 as he read a Brown Daily Herald article about Locke leaving his role at Brown.
Abraham Hutchins, a mid-1800s pioneer en route from Boston to California is just going to give up in Iowa.
“Fuck it. You know what? This is fine. I’m fucking done, okay?” said Hutchins, stepping out of his covered wagon in rural Iowa, 1800 miles from his destination.
Thirty seconds into the start of local dad Ben Lingerman’s favorite comedy special, it became clear that comedian Ronny Scuttleman is just sexist.
“Don’t you hate it when a woman tries to talk to you?” Scuttleman said as Lingerman chuckled.
Since it opened in 2019, wine and paint bar Brushstroke Corner has been making it easy for any adult to paint like a third grader. “When you step into Brushstroke Corner, we want you to unlock the creative juices you didn’t know you had,” said manager Stephanie Burch, staring admiringly at the malformed, bizarrely colored paintings of dogs and flowers lining the walls of her studio.
According to recent Instagram sources, area woman Jess Neeky just posted a sultry selfie watered down by several lukewarm photos she picked randomly from her camera roll. “In truth, I just wanted people to think I had accidentally dropped it in there,” said Neeky in a low whisper like some kind of secret agent.
In an enlightening discovery, sources indicate that Cameron Perez, who adores his home state, is really just from Delaware. “You’re from the city? Yeah, well if the city isn’t Dover, you’re missing out. New York pizza is nothing compared to a slice at Antonio’s on Maple St.,” Cameron remarked, showing photos that could be literally anywhere.
Croissants at the Blue Room? Hah! This is, how you say, to-tal gar-bahj! They are nothing like ze ones in Paree hon hon hon.
Back in beautiful Paree, Alpine goat butter was baked into the dough, creating flaky perfection. Mon Dieu! All the ingredients were, how you say, na-chu-raal, so you can eat as many as you like without putting on weight.
Babe, I think we should talk. You know, these last few months have been some of the best of my life. I’ve enjoyed our nightly FaceTime calls, our weekend trips to the city, and even meeting your parents at that extremely awkward dinner at Olive Garden.