According to sources on the southbound Boston-to-DC Acela Amtrak train, Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is pacing up and down the aisle as he twirls his big mustache while putting the pieces together of an elaborate whodunnit. “You see, while we all thought Gabrielle in 21B was in the bathroom during the time in which Imogene in 13C’s egg salad sandwich was stolen, she was walking up to business class to ask her husband Lars in 6A a question about their goddaughter, Lars being the very man who forgot to pack a lunch for the journey,” said Secretary Buttigieg, eliciting gasps from the passengers and pretending to smoke out of a big pipe, because actually smoking is not permitted on Amtrak trains.