The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Sep 16 2022 issue)

19th-Century Pioneer Just Gonna Give Up In Iowa | Sep 16 2022

Abraham Hutchins, a mid-1800s pioneer en route from Boston to California is just going to give up in Iowa. “Fuck it. You know what? This is fine. I’m fucking done, okay?” said Hutchins, stepping out of his covered wagon in rural Iowa, 1800 miles from his destination.

Dad’s Favorite Comedian Just Sexist | Sep 16 2022

Thirty seconds into the start of local dad Ben Lingerman’s favorite comedy special, it became clear that comedian Ronny Scuttleman is just sexist. “Don’t you hate it when a woman tries to talk to you?” Scuttleman said as Lingerman chuckled.

Wine And Paint Class Makes It Easy For Adults To Paint Like Third Graders | Sep 16 2022

Since it opened in 2019, wine and paint bar Brushstroke Corner has been making it easy for any adult to paint like a third grader. “When you step into Brushstroke Corner, we want you to unlock the creative juices you didn’t know you had,” said manager Stephanie Burch, staring admiringly at the malformed, bizarrely colored paintings of dogs and flowers lining the walls of her studio.

Area Woman Posts Selfie Hidden Amid Eight Photos Of Food And Windows | Sep 16 2022

According to recent Instagram sources, area woman Jess Neeky just posted a sultry selfie watered down by several lukewarm photos she picked randomly from her camera roll. “In truth, I just wanted people to think I had accidentally dropped it in there,” said Neeky in a low whisper like some kind of secret agent.

Report: Guy Who Loves Home State Just From Delaware | Sep 16 2022

In an enlightening discovery, sources indicate that Cameron Perez, who adores his home state, is really just from Delaware. “You’re from the city? Yeah, well if the city isn’t Dover, you’re missing out. New York pizza is nothing compared to a slice at Antonio’s on Maple St.,” Cameron remarked, showing photos that could be literally anywhere.

Curator Just In It To Touch The Art | Sep 16 2022

Running her fingers across a priceless oil painting, Metropolitan Museum of Art curator Diana Gillis is reportedly just in it to touch the art. “People assume I’m a curator because of some deep appreciation for culture,” Gillis said, eyes closing as she pressed her forehead against a Cezanne.

Girl Combing Through Crush’s Venmo History Like Archeologist Sifting Through Remains | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that area woman Shelly Reyes is on her sixth hour of combing through her crush’s public Venmo transactions like she is an archeologist examining precious remains. “I see here that in 2017 he sent someone named ‘Maddy’ an emoji of a movie ticket,” reported Reyes with the attention to detail of an excavator cataloging priceless artifacts.

Tank In Dentist Office Lobby Officially Most Habitable Place On Earth For Tropical Fish | Sep 16 2022

Biology Research Institute, due to climate change-related habitat loss, the fish tank in the lobby of SmileBrite pediatric dentist’s office in Worcester, Massachusetts is officially the most habitable environment on Earth for tropical fish. “We have looked at the data relating to water pollution, ocean acidification, and oil particles per million and have concluded that the fish tank in SmileBrite’s office, though small, is the best place on Earth to be a tropical fish,” said oceanographer Katrina Graff, petitioning the UN to designate SmileBrite’s lobby as a nature reserve.

Gas Prices Drop Below $4 For First Time Since Last Time They Were Below $4 | Sep 16 2022

Drivers report that gas prices have dipped below $4 for the first time since the last time they were below $4. “I can’t remember the last time gas prices were this low!” exclaimed area mom Sarah Smit, forgetting that prices were this low the last time they were this low. “Guzzle guzzle guzzle goes the gas pump!” At press time, another source reported that today was the hottest day on record since the last hottest day.

Chef's Hat Really Makes Chef Feel Like Chef, Reports Chef | Sep 16 2022

Local chef Matthew Blythe’s chef ’s hat really makes him feel like a chef, reports Blythe. “Once I put on my chef ’s hat, I know there’s nothing I can’t cook,” Blythe said, adjusting his white, muffin-like headpiece. “There’s no doubt about it–my chef ’s hat makes me feel like I can fry, grill, or poach just about anything.

Hamster Really Wishes Owner Would Feed It Hamster Food Instead Of Tiny Plates Of Spaghetti | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that local hamster Dr. Wiggins desperately wishes he was fed regular hamster food instead of miniature plates of spaghetti. “It was cute the first time, but now, I’m honestly sick of it,” stated Dr. Wiggins as his owner set recorded the next installment of their viral TikTok series.

Report: Zoo Animal’s Eyes Mournful | Sep 16 2022

Sources at the city zoo report that the Fifi the orangutan’s eyes are especially mournful. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but honestly, it bummed me out a bit,” stated zoo-goer Jeff Rango as Fifi slowly raised a massive hand to the glass window of her enclosure.

Second Grader With Really Good Handwriting Achieving God Status Among Peers | Sep 16 2022

Reports from Lincoln Elementary School indicate that Gabbie Ardon, a second grader with really good handwriting, is achieving some sort of god status among her peers. “Look at that!” exclaimed classmate James Roshman, pointing at the poster Ardon was making for a report on snails.

Public Beginning To Think Joe Biden Didn’t Make This Instagram Reel | Sep 16 2022

Sources report that something about Joe Biden’s latest Instagram Reel makes them feel like the president may not have made it himself. “You know, I’m not sure why, but I just don’t think Joe posted this,” said Marcus Sanchez as he watched the ten-second clip of Joe Biden on the phone in the Oval Office.

Finance Recruiters Seeking Applicants With Drive, Passion, Top Hat, Monocle | Sep 16 2022

A team of recruiters for investment banking firm Goldman Sachs has advertised their need for future employees with drive, passion, a top hat, and a monocle. “We’re looking for a certain kind of team player,” said head of recruitment Trent West, envisioning a new batch of young talent smoking cigars around a roaring fire.

Estate Sale Advertising Gorgeous Antique Bed Frame Great-Grandma Just Died On Last Week | Sep 16 2022

Sophia Nolan, host of a local estate sale, is reportedly advertising the vintage mahogany bed frame where her great-grandmother died just days before. “It’s a really great piece dating back to the fifties,” said Nolan, gesturing to the bed where, forty-eight hours earlier, her great-grandmother clutched her hand and took her last breath.

Organic Dog Food Mimics Pellets Found In Nature | Sep 16 2022

According to pet industry sources, organic dog food brand Wilderness Feast provides dogs with a nutrient-complete diet by mimicking the pellets a dog would encounter in nature. “Our kibble is specifically designed to recreate the type of uniform brown circles that the dog’s wolf ancestors would have eaten,” said Wilderness Feast spokesperson Jennifer Kilgore, explaining how this brand uses only the ingredients that occur naturally in the shelf-stable pellets in nature.

Mustachioed Pete Buttigieg Solves Elaborate Whodunnit On Amtrak Train | Sep 16 2022

According to sources on the southbound Boston-to-DC Acela Amtrak train, Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is pacing up and down the aisle as he twirls his big mustache while putting the pieces together of an elaborate whodunnit. “You see, while we all thought Gabrielle in 21B was in the bathroom during the time in which Imogene in 13C’s egg salad sandwich was stolen, she was walking up to business class to ask her husband Lars in 6A a question about their goddaughter, Lars being the very man who forgot to pack a lunch for the journey,” said Secretary Buttigieg, eliciting gasps from the passengers and pretending to smoke out of a big pipe, because actually smoking is not permitted on Amtrak trains.

Trench Soldier Giving Monologue While Standing Wants Everyone to Know That— | Sep 16 2022

Standing up among the booms of ground-shaking artillery fire with a message for group of hunching men anxiously waiting for news of the armistice, trench soldier William Davies, whose head is inches above the trench wall, wants everyone to know that— In other news, Grandpa says that the sole heir to the family beach house will be—

Nation’s Wiry Dads To Go On Bike Trip | Sep 16 2022

Strapping on their helmets and zipping up their tight-fitting multicolored nylon shirts, the nation’s wiry dads are gearing up to go on yet another bike trip. “My bike buddies and I are so excited to bike up the coast of Northern California, it’s great exercise and a whole lot of fun,” said sinewy father Owen March, the contours of his frog-like leg muscles peering through his padded bike shorts as he and the rest of the country’s skinny dads squeezed their water bottle for a faraway sip.

Bird Way Too Deep In Airport To Ever Escape | Sep 16 2022

Travelers at Boston Logan’s Terminal E this morning have reported that a bird was way too far inside of the airport ever to find its way out of there. “It was a fun surprise to see that bird flying around near my gate, but I got sad when I realized that it was probably gonna die in here,” said Newton resident Marc Hough, considering how the bird must spend its days flying from terminal to terminal, eating food court crumbs from the garbage.

Adult Animated Show Combines Sensitive Portrayals Of Relationships, Character Who Looks Like Penis | Sep 16 2022

[i]Chop Shop[/i], an adult animated show that recently debuted on Hulu, is garnering praise for its combination of sensitive depictions of relationships and a character who looks like a penis. “They might be cartoons, but these characters have rich inner lives and complex feelings towards one another, which shift in surprising and poignant ways over the course of the season,” wrote Vulture critic Mallory Esken in her review of the dramedy, which centers on a familyowned barbershop in Pittsburgh.

New Yorker Cartoon Completely Unintelligible | Sep 16 2022

Reports indicate that today’s [i]New Yorker[/i] cartoon is utterly incomprehensible. “Am I the problem?” asked [i]New Yorker[/i] peruser Sandy Adams as she stared blankly at the cartoon couple standing in a small but ambiguous room above the caption “Good thing I didn’t eat the salad!” “There’s no salad in sight! Where is the salad?” At press time, the [i]New York Times[/i] crossword clue was complete gibberish.

Report: Dog Named Elizabeth Knows How You Die | Sep 16 2022

Dog park visitors were alarmed this weekend after meeting a dog named Elizabeth who is cursed with the knowledge of how you die. “Turbo, Jinx, and the other dogs wouldn’t go near Elizabeth. It’s like they could smell that there was something wrong with her,” said Flora Wills, frequent dog park goer, staring soberly into Elizabeth’s pensive, crusty eyes.

BeReal Highlights Thrilling Lifestyle Of Corporate Sellout | Sep 16 2022

Within the business world, the widespread social media app BeReal highlights the thrilling lifestyle of corporate grunt Cody Walton. “The premise of the app is pretty cool—you never know what you’ll be up to when the BeReal notification goes off,” said Walton, whose BeReal photos are taken exclusively in his 4 x 4 cubicle and mostly feature his computer monitor.