The Brown Noser

Every RISD Student Actually the Same Person

A recent discovery by a Brown professor has revealed one of the Rhode Island School of Design’s best-kept secrets: Every student at RISD is actually the same person. Professor of American Studies Kurt Blannerman was doing research on the history of arts education in America when he stumbled upon a peculiar document in the RISD archives.

Students Miffed by Midnight Fire Alarm as Diman Engulfed in Flames

Students in the Diman House dormitory were awakened Sunday night by a shrill and untimely fire alarm as their residence hall erupted in flames.

Toledo to Try Its Hand at Frozen Yogurt, Korean Food, Retail Banking

The Thayer Street eatery that opened last fall under the name Toledo Pizza In A Cone, before becoming Thayer Pita Pockets earlier this semester, has announced plans to reopen later this month as Mama Antonio’s Brown University Yogurtstore and Bank.

Professor Unaware That You Were Enrolled in Classes Other Than the One He's Teaching

The professor who assigned you two ten-page essays, a lab report, three-weeks worth of problem sets and a take-home midterm all due on the same day has no idea you’re enrolled in classes other than the one he’s teaching.

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If You’re A Cop You Have To Tell Me

If you’re a cop, you have to tell me. This isn’t—you aren’t are you? Because you sort of have this cop way of standing. You sort of have this cop posture. And that is definitely a cop haircut. The uniform and badge are throwing me a little as well.

I Can't Wait to See All the California Kids' Reaction to Winter So I Can Be a Condescending Douchebag About It

I’ve gotta say, there’s one thing that I’ve been really looking forward to about Brown. It’s not the chance to broaden my knowledge through the Open Curriculum. It’s not the idea of eating sandwiches at an Ivy League university. It’s the opportunity to feel self-important when I see my peers from more temperate climes experience their first winter.

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Police at Occupy Oakland Shoot Sleeping Four-Year-Old in the Face

During a police raid of Occupy Oakland last week, an Oakland police officer shot a four-year-old girl directly in the face while she was fast asleep in her mother’s arms.

Indigestion Mistaken for Fatherly Pride

Providence resident James Easton was momentarily moved this week when he mistook a bad case of indigestion for fatherly pride. The confusing incident took place shortly after Easton returned from a dinner celebrating his son’s recent graduation from medical school.

Sun Worshippers Vindicated

In a moment that forever changed the trajectory of human civilization, the Sun opened His all-seeing eye and spoke telepathically to all people simultaneously. “I have awakened from 10,000 years of slumber,” the Sun announced yesterday at 3:55 p.m.

Little People Labor Camp Run by Obese Reindeer Breeder Discovered at North Pole

It was confirmed yesterday that the little people labor camp run by an obese reindeer breeder at the North Pole is real and not a farfetched story your mother used to tell you when you were a child. “I knew it, I knew he was real,” smiled Little Timmy, revealing two missing front teeth.

Methodists Seize Control of Nation's Steel Mills in Really Weird Conspiracy

In an unexpected and highly confusing coup, heavily-armed Methodists descended on every steel mill in the United States yesterday. “Ha ha!” said Methodist Church High President Jacques LeFarge as he stood triumphantly outside the Detroit American Steel plant, flanked by Janet Smith, Methodist Vice President in Charge of Metals.

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Archaeologists Find Original Iliad Manuscript, Realize Achilles Was Actually Killed By Arrow to The Dick

In the ruins of an ancient Greek temple, archaeologists recently discovered what they believe to be the original manuscript of Homer’s epic poem “The Iliad.” Upon translation of the millennia-old text, researchers were surprised to find that in the original version the Greek warrior Achilles, famous for meeting his bloody end with an arrow in his heel, was actually killed by an “arrow to the dick.”

Department of Biology Confirms Some People Just Born Winners

A report released by the Brown University Department of Biology last Thursday evinced proof beyond all reasonable doubt that, when you get right down to it, some people really are just natural-born champions. The report, conducted over a period of nearly a decade, shows that the whole of the human population can be divided into those that exhibit the quality “it” and those that do not.

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