The Brown Noser

DPS to Crack Down on Takeout Container Limit

The Department of Public Safety announced a new campaign Friday to improve student life and campus safety. Beginning November 1, armed DPS officers will be stationed at the exits of both dining halls to aid cafeteria staff in enforcing takeout container limits.

Literary Arts Concentrator Can Find Metaphor in Anything

One Brown junior is proving once and for all that the pen is truly mightier than the sword. Julie McDuff '09 has established herself as Brown's foremost practitioner of figures of speech. The Sultan of the Simile first discovered her unusual talent whilst perusing the Brown Daily Herald over breakfast in the Ratty with her roommate Emily Brent '09.

Captain of Brown A Capella Group ARRR!!! Jailed after Lawsuit over Music Pirating

Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life in prison has become a reality for one of Brown's most notorious buccaneers. Brownbeard the Pirate, captain of the entirely pirate-run a capella group ARRR!!!, was convicted last Friday of using Limewire to illegally share music.

Entrepreneurship Program Starts Entrepreneurship Program to Start Entrepreneurship Programs

Concerned with the lack of scope of its recent community impact, the Brown Entrepreneurship Program announced this week that it plans to expand its horizons by founding a new organization whose purpose will be to start entrepreneurship programs for elementary school students in the Providence area.

View more Campus Life

I Am The Registrar. Suck It.

It is with great displeasure that I take a moment to address the horde of cretinous filth that comprises my constituency. Though you all leave a bilious, acrid aftertaste in the mouth of myself and, indeed, the entire administration, it continues to be my mortal burden to shepherd you through this institution.

My Mom Keeps Asking Me What Dental Dams Are

About a week before returning to Brown's campus I paid my local orthodontist a visit. I hadn't seen him in a while because I'd been away all summer, but I figured it'd be the usual, "You haven't been wearing your retainer" speech.

View more Opinion

Shitfaced Godzilla Leaves Tokyo Intact

The Japanese capital was left unmarked last Tuesday as the gargantuan monster Godzilla missed the cityscape entirely while on his biweekly rampage. After avoiding the city's port completely when emerging from the ocean, taking some poorly aimed swings at passing airplanes, and failing to demolish a single bridge, he promptly returned to the ocean and passed out.

Fish Company Cracks Down on Fake IDs, Baseball Cards

In a move sure to send shock waves throughout Brown's social scene, Fish Company manager Shane Boxerhausen announced publicly last week that, despite its long-standing policy to the contrary, the popular bar and grill will no longer accept fake IDs or baseball cards as proper identification.

View more Off Campus

Search The Brown Noser

Surgeon General Announces that Elliptical Use Is Not Exercising

The Surgeon General announced last week that elliptical machines, thought by some to provide a low-impact yet high-intensity workout, actually provide no workout at all.

Bacteria Stolen from Laboratory Probably Not Flesh-Eating

Scientists eased the worries of the American population yesterday when they determined that the strain of bacteria stolen during a robbery of Wuntech Laboratories last week "will probably not devour the flesh from your bones." "We are, like, sixty, no, seventy percent positive that there is nothing to worry about," said lab administrator Harold Thompson.

View more Science & Technology