The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Oct 24 2007 issue)

Testosterone Spill Causes Sarah Doyle Hairy Women's Center | Oct 24 2007

Last Tuesday, a heavy tanker carrying nearly 40,000 tons of unrefined testosterone spilled its contents in front of Wayland Arch while on its way to Helsinki. The long, cylindrical tanker struck the Sarah Doyle Women's Center at nearly 30 MPH, but failed to penetrate the building's outer wall.

Bangladeshi Student Misses Third World Transition Program, Has Difficulty Fitting In | Oct 24 2007

Though weeks have passed since the beginning of the school year, Bangladeshi student Jacques Karim '11 has had trouble fitting into the Brown community. Karim cited his absence from the Third World Transition Program as the reason for his difficulties.

Douche-Bag out of Axe Body Spray | Oct 24 2007

Freshman Zachary Bevilacqua was reportedly "distraught" Thursday evening when he discovered that his can of Axe Body Spray had been depleted.

Banner Malfunctions, Launches U.S. Nuclear Arsenal | Oct 24 2007

The Brown University registration program Banner malfunctioned Wednesday, triggering the launch of the entire United States nuclear arsenal to select targets around the world.

Student Body "Furious [with Joy]" about Misquotes in Campus Publications | Oct 24 2007

Meghan Fitch '09 is ecstatic. Two weeks ago, Fitch was interviewed for a feature in the College Hill Independent. When she read the resultant story four days later, she discovered to her great delight that she had been grossly misquoted. "They didn't actually change much," Fitch explained.

Your Thoughts and Opinions Are Worthless Say Students, Faculty | Oct 24 2007

A recent poll of every man, woman, and child possessing even a loose affiliation with Brown University shows conclusively that nothing you say has any relevance or gravitas whatsoever. The University-sanctioned study doesn't mince words in its findings, pinning you as a "self-satisfied dolt with literally no original thoughts to offer anyone.

DPS to Crack Down on Takeout Container Limit | Oct 24 2007

The Department of Public Safety announced a new campaign Friday to improve student life and campus safety. Beginning November 1, armed DPS officers will be stationed at the exits of both dining halls to aid cafeteria staff in enforcing takeout container limits.

Geology Concentrators Protest "Dumb as a Rock" and Other Geologic Epithets | Oct 24 2007

Nearly a dozen students gathered on the Main Green yesterday to protest the widespread use of geologic epithets by Brown students. The protest was sponsored by Brown Students for Geologic Equality, a student organization which describes itself as "Brown's only rock advocacy group.

Student Wearing 'Not Timid' Shirt Actually Timid | Oct 24 2007

Despite his t-shirt's declaration of "Not Timid," Dennis Butler '09 is actually quite timid, according to his friends and acquaintances. "Yeah, Dennis wears that shirt a lot," said Hugh Shepherd '09, Butler's Grad Center suitemate and occasional confidante.

Brown Republican Denied Access to Water Fountain, Refuses to Protest | Oct 24 2007

Last Monday evening at approximately 8:30 p.m., the undoubtedly conservative Richard Shatston Harrison III '09, a native of Bridgeport, Connecticut, quickly ducked out of the Students for Giuliani meeting in search of a public water fountain. He was intent on refilling a Nalgene water bottle for his close companion, Phinneas Afronne McGregor '08, also a stout advocate of the status quo.

Riding Popularity of Male and Female Sexuality Workshops, Brown Eunuchs Form Scrabble Club | Oct 24 2007

A new club limped its way to Category I status at last Wednesday's UCS meeting. Though Brown already boasts several competitive gaming clubs, the new Scrabble club is less about competition and more about "providing a forum for students to express their deepest, least sexual inner thoughts and triple-point combo words," as club founder Willy Giuliani '08 proclaimed in front of the UCS general body.

Native American Studies Seminar Cancelled for Columbus Day | Oct 24 2007

Students of NAMA1020: Reservations about Native Americans were ecstatic to learn that the seminar, which meets on Mondays from 3 - 5:20 p.m., would not convene on October 8, which was also Columbus Day this year. Meghan Welan '10 relayed the joy she felt when she heard the news.

NASA to Use Ratty Hamburgers as Toilet Paper on New Space Flights | Oct 24 2007

The Ratty hamburger is going to space, NASA announced Monday. NASA will begin using the unique delicacy as toilet paper on future missions. "Astronauts have been complaining about the obsoleteness of toilet paper for years. The Ratty hamburger just seemed like the natural step up," NASA administrator Michael D.

Man Removed from Apple Store after Taking the New iTouch Too Literally | Oct 24 2007

This past Wednesday a forty-two-year-old man was forcibly removed from the Apple Store at the Providence Place Mall after sexually harassing numerous customers and employees. The man, described as a Wham!-era George Michael, was reported as saying "I touch? I touch?" over and over again while indiscriminately squeezing and rubbing those around him.

Unwitting Freshman Crosses Pembroke Seal & Van Wickle Gates on Same Day, Opens Portal to Hell | Oct 24 2007

A minor disturbance was caused in the Absolute Quiet Room of the John D. Rockefeller Library late Wednesday as a threshold to the fiery depths of Hell burst forth through the floor. The gateway was opened at 11:57 p.m. after freshman Michelle Stevens, ignorant of Brown folklore, committed two of the University's most cardinal sins within a matter of mere hours.