The Brown Noser

Everyone Wins the Housing Lottery!

There was a campus-wide celebration on Wednesday as it was announced that all students had won the housing lottery. "I'm a rising sophomore, so I knew I would probably end up living in a bathroom next year, but now the possibilities are endless!" said Jennifer Drawson '11.

Bear Necessities Concert: "Insufficient"

The Bear Necessities gave only the paltriest of performances last night in Solomon 101 during their benefit concert for starving African children. Critics of the show noted that it was the most pathetic presentation by any Brown a cappella group since the Jabberwocks all caught mono in 1987 (from sharing drinks, of course).

Student Trying to Bring Yo-Yos Back Would Be More Successful If He Weren't a Dick

For decades, college students across the world have shared a common goal. Be it through the use of vinyl record players, Nintendo 64 consoles or Sock 'em Boppers, everyone everywhere has hoped to somehow "bring something back." Terry Packer '11 is no exception to this rule.

Sperm Bank Denies Student's Request for Loan

In the wake of the financial turmoil that currently plagues the US economy, the Federal Government has decided that it is time to step in and begin regulating banks. In a recent discussion with Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke, the President decided that our nation's laissez-faire attitude is no longer appropriate and it is time for the government to begin monitoring the growing issues facing sperm banks.

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After Careful Consideration, Yes, I Would Hit That

Gentlemen, I am delighted to announce the following: regarding the issue of 'that', wherein 'that' refers to the blonde by the bar in the purple miniskirt who is loudly decrying her "shithead ex-boyfriend Lionel," the jury has returned a unanimous verdict of 'would hit'.

I Long for the Days of Unprovoked Native American Attacks

Every morning as I sit down in some stifling classroom without having so much as broken a sweat on the journey thereto, I nearly convulse over the banality of my daily travels. With little more than a satchel of texts, the clothes on my back, and a freshly sharpened Puma P116396 Stainless Steel Stag Handle Bowie Knife, I sleepily set out for class knowing full-well how unlikely it is that I will have to fell anywhere between fifty and seventy-five furiously whooping savages, gargle luxuriously with a thick mouthful of crimson, and vomit a great arc into the mouths of their helplessly restrained progeny.

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Brown Students For Obama Bulk-Buy Kool-Aid, Plan Summer Trip to Grand Canyon

With his liberal policies and message of change, it is unsurprising that Senator Barack Obama has experienced unprecedented popularity among college students. However, a handful of Brown students have taken their advocacy of the Senator to the next level. Some members of Brown Students for Barack Obama have taken to keeping small shrines to the Senator in their dorm rooms, constantly quoting "Barack" in conversations unrelated to politics, and shivering violently whenever anyone refers to "Hillary Clinton" rather than "She Who Must Not Be Named.

Local Man Sudoku Champion

Travis Lark is creating quite a stir in the local Sudoku community. Lark claims that he is an undefeated Sudoku-ist, Japanese for "Man with no Life." He solves about 20% of the puzzles he's been up against, especially the ones meant for smaller children. "I have a unique intelligence for numbers, similar more to the precociousness of a child than to anything else," explains Lark.

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EmPOWER Cites Recent Increase in Temperatures, Sunlight as Evidence of Global Warming

EmPOWER, the student group advocating the University's carbon-neutrality, released a report last week urging the Brown community to "Look around! You will see alarmingly rapid temperature rises, flowers where just a few weeks ago were bare branches, and even augmented daylight hours.

NASA Reports, "Outer Space Just Not the Same Without Communists"

NASA Director Robert Johnson made a formal address Tuesday describing the "dark, cold, endless void in [his] chest where [his] heart previously was". "I speak on behalf of the entire administration when I say with great despondence that outer space just isn't the same without communists," Johnson stated at a press conference held earlier this week.

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